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Dad said, “So. Enemas.”

Nick screamed, almost falling over. The doorknob jutted painfully into his back, and Dad arched an eyebrow from his seat on Nick’s chair in front of the open computer, the wikiHow page on full display.

“Wake up,” Nick pleaded with himself. “Please, wake up. This has to be a nightmare. That’s all this is. In a moment, I’ll wake up in my bed, and—”

Dad leaned forward toward the computer. “Please notice how I’m ignoring the tab calledPainter Gets His Insides Painted By Boss.”

“I don’t know what that is,” Nick said quickly. “It was there when I got home. Someone else must have been using my laptop.”

“Sure,” Dad said. “Let’s go with that so we can avoid further embarrassment. Enemas.”

“You just said we were going toavoid—”

“Seems like there’s a few different kinds,” Dad said, as if he weren’t murdering his only child. “One you can attach to the shower. That seems a little advanced for someone just starting out. It also says that shower enemas can… huh. Burn your insides? Wow. Learn something new every day.”

Nick stared in horror.

Dad nodded. “Let’s not do that one, especially since I’d have to see it every time I used the bathroom. Oh, what about this one? It’s a big plastic bulb that you—”

“No,” Nick moaned, face in his hands. “No, no, no.”

“Noted,” Dad said. “Not a fan of the bulb. Okay.” He pushed himself away from the desk, standing from the chair. “I’m ready for this. I didn’t think I’d do this today, but I suppose there’sno time like the present. I’ll be right back.” He paused at the door, glancing back at Nick, who stood in the middle of his room, wishing he’d never been born. “Don’t you worry, kid. We’ll figure it out.”

“Why are youlikethis?” Nick bellowed after him.

By the time Dad came back, Nick was grunting harshly, trying to shove his desk in front of the door to barricade himself inside. The desk was much heavier than Nick remembered, and he’d only managed to cause a two-inch-long scratch on the floor.

Dad ignored him, coming back and sitting on the edge of his bed, a plastic shopping bag on his lap. “Okay,” he said as Nick collapsed on the floor, back against the side of his desk. “So, I went to a store a couple of months back. The guy working there was really helpful. Said this was a good starter kit. He’d used it himself, so I trusted his opinion on the matter.”

Life, Nick knew, was full of highs and lows, peaks and valleys. And sometimes, said valleys opened up revealing untold depths filled with fire and brimstone and terrifying possibilities better left hidden in darkness.

But alas, Dad seemed to be of the mind that it was better to drag the horror into the light, seeing as how he opened the shopping bag and pulled out a rectangular box with colorful lettering that readMY FIRST ENEMA KIT!

“Dad,no,” Nick breathed, covered in instantaneous flop sweat.

“Dad,yes,” Dad said. “It’s better to do this right than to go into it unprepared. So, this is called a Fleet enema.” He held out the box toward Nick so he could see the picture of a white, thin nozzle on the box. “You fill it with the saline solution and then…” He looked down at the box with a frown. “I guess you just put it up there and then squeeze it? That can’t be right.”

Nick banged the back of his head against the desk, trying to give himself a concussion so he could potentially cause brain damage and suffer the joys of short-term memory loss.

“Oh, good,” Dad said, sounding relieved as he opened the box.“It comes with instructions. Let me just…” The thin nozzle fell out of the box and landed on the floor. “Oops. We’ll need to sterilize that before you use it. Okay! The instructions.” He unfolded the paper like a map, nodding down at it as his eyes darted back and forth. “Right, right. I get it. It’s supposed to act like a laxative. I guess… that makes sense.”

“Nothing about this makes sense,” Nick moaned. “Nothing.”

Dad ignored him. “So, we put the solution into the bottle.” He held up the bottle, wiggling it at Nick. “And then the nozzle goes right on top.” He bent over, picking the nozzle off the ground, the instructions crinkling in his lap. “And then you put this inside your rectum and squeeze. Stuff goes in, stuff comes out, and voila! You’re ready for… entertaining a guest.”

“I’m not going to doany of that!” Nick snapped at him.

Dad nodded solemnly. “It’s a lot to take in.” He suddenly grinned. “Figurativelyandliterally. Ha, nailed it.” He clapped once, and it took Nick a moment to realize Dad had just high-fived himself.

“I’ve decided that I’m adopted,” Nick announced. “That’s the only thing that will get me through the next five minutes. I was adopted, and I want to go back to my real family.”

“Anyway. If you’re…” A complicated expression crossed Dad’s face, forehead lined with deep canyons. “If you’re going to… be the receiver, you need to learn about this stuff, kid.”

Nick pushed himself up off the floor, glaring at his father. “Who saidIwas going to do anything like that? For all you know, I’m just learning about this stuff forSeth.”

“Regardless, it’s better to be prepared.” He pulled a thin plastic vial of solution from the box. “Come here, I need your help.”

“The fact that you think I’m going to help you withanythingproves you’ve lost your damned mind.”