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“Yes. How else would she know our sleeping arrangements?” asked Sunaina stubbornly.

“Arre! Maybe she went snooping around the house,” cried Daima. “Viren is not the type to sleep around when he’s married, beta. You know him better than that.”

“Do I? I’m coming to realise I don’t know him at all, Bua. Did you see how she was draped all over him when they came down together for breakfast?”

I couldn’t believe this! Was that what she really thought of me? That I would go from almost making love to her in the hallway last night straight to Tahira’s bed?

“We did notcome down together. I met her outside the dining room, and I couldn’t very well shake her off when she wound her arm around mine. She’s our guest,” I said stiffly.“And let’s not forget whose picture was splashed across the tabloids this morning. It certainly wasn’t mine.”

“Guys, stop fighting,” hissed Sufi. “These are not the faces we want to show the public.”

“I’ll tell you what I want to show your public,” muttered Sunaina, holding her middle finger up until Daima swatted at it.

“Sue! Work with me, please,” said Sufi, glaring at his bestie.

Sunaina crossed her arms over her chest and glared at me.

“I want to go home. I’ve had enough of this vacation,” she declared.

“That’s fine with me,” I snarled.

“Nobody’s going home until I’ve spammed the internet with pictures proving you’re both head over heels in love with each other,” snapped Sufi.

“What’s the point, Sufi?” asked Sunaina wearily. “It’s all going to end soon. Why are we even bothering to do damage control?”

“Because we’re not going to let that cow win, Sue! You and Mr C can end your marriage whenever you like, but it’s going to be on your terms. We’re not going to let Tahira embarrass you or the boss just because she wants to throw a hissy fit. If she wants a social media war, we’re going to bring it. I can’t wait to DM her a picture of Mr C kissing you under a big oak tree in Hyde Park.”

“Wait! What?” yelped Sunaina. “There’s going to be no kissing!”

“Oh, gorgeous. There’s going to be so much kissing,” announced Sufi gleefully, and I felt my throat close in panic.

“Arre! Are you planning a PR campaign or making dirty videos?” asked Daima.

“Ooh, that gives me an idea. Mr C, how open are you to the idea of leaking a sex tape?”

“Not at all,” I replied firmly.

When I had sex with Sunaina, it was going to be behind closed doors, not in front of a camera. Wait! What was I even thinking? I wasnevergoing to have sex with Sunaina! This was all Sufi’s fault. He was putting ideas into my head!

The plan was to distance myself from Sunaina slowly and painlessly so that we were living completely separate lives by the time the divorce was finalised. Instead of going along with my plan, Sufi was talking of sex tapes. The man was absolutely demented.

“Sufi…babe…I ask this with all the love in the world.Are you high?” screeched Sunaina. “I’m never going to have sex with Viren.”

Well, she didn’t have to be so rude about it.

“So it’s settled. You kids are going for a picnic. A clean, PG-13 picnic in the park,” said Daima, trying to hide a smile.

“Umm, Daima, he’s going on a picnic with his wife, not his grandmother,” protested Sufi.

“Beta, just make sure their pictures end up in Hello! magazine, not on a porn site,” she said sternly.

“Even better, Daima. I’ll make sure their pictures end up on Instagram,” said Sufi, with a wink. “Now, I’m off to tell Aisha the afternoon tea is off because we have to break the internet. Meanwhile, you guys go change into something less dreary.”

I looked down at my clothes and wondered what was dreary about them.

“What’s wrong with my clothes?”Sunaina and I asked in unison.

“Oh, gorgeous…I can’t even begin to tell you,’ said Sufi, giving us both disappointed once-overs. “You with the boring death metal t-shirt, Mr C, and you with that sasta ganji from Causeway, Sue. I thought I’d raised you both better.”