Page 110 of Fierce-Jax

“Was he a drug addict?”

“He’d had a history of it,” she admitted. “But he was clean. I know he was. I would have seen the signs if he wasn’t. All things considered in his life, I’d be surprised if he didn’t try to self-medicate. And when I said a history of drugs, it was prescription drugs. Antidepressants and Adderall. Things he didn’t see a doctor to get but bought on the street. He was mixing and taking what he needed and when.”

“How long before you knew him was he doing these things?” he asked. “I just don’t see you being with someone like that.”

“He said it was in college. Before med school. He was trying to keep his grades up to get in and study for the MCAT. If he was using it in medical school someone would have noticed. Even during his residency. I believed him. Did he drink a lot of energy drinks and take sleeping pills when his shift was done? Yes. He did. A lot of doctors do. I wasn’t faulting him for those things.”

In her eyes, it wasn’t much different from the pots of coffee she drank and bags of candy she ate staying up late to study or get through shifts.

But when it wore off she could drop and sleep.

Maybe she did it for two reasons. To stay awake and then get that crash.

When there was so much going on in your life, you did what you could to stay on top of it.

His choices weren’t hers, but they were before her time.

“What did you do to cope?” he asked. “Can I ask?”

She snorted. “Nothing drastic or much more than most college kids. The two Cs. Caffeine and candy. I’m lucky I didn’t gain fifty pounds during that time.”

“You probably didn’t sit still long enough,” he said.

“I didn’t. And I can see you’re bothered right now. Why?”

He shook his head. “Keep talking. I want to know the rest. It’s all connected, I know it is. I’m trying to process.”

She didn’t want to lose the courage to say it all so she continued. “When everything settled down, I was called in by the administration of the hospital. They were going to fight paying out Alec’s life insurance policy. He’d put it in Gianna’s name when she was born. They stated that a pending investigation led to Alec’s placement on administrative leave the day of the shooting.”

“Which shouldn’t stop the payment of his life insurance policy,” he argued. “He was still an employee.”

“I threatened them with legal action. They backed down quickly after they tried to throw their weight around. I wanted explanations on top of it. I felt they owed me that much.”

“Did they tell you?” he asked.

“I had to get an attorney to get some information. Since Alec was dead, they planned no investigation and to keep everything quiet; however, their threat to withhold his life insurance prompted my investigation. He would have been looked into for theft of drugs with the intent for sale.”

“No one knows?” he asked, standing up.

She wasn’t sure why he was getting up when she’d sat back down after blowing her nose.

“My parents,” she said. “It was hard not to tell them when we were all living together. The day Alec was killed, my mother came and stayed in the apartment until they secured a rental house for us.”

“Your father had to be livid,” he said.

“He was. He never liked Alec and felt as if everything was a lie. The embarrassment if this came out could have tarnished my career. The attorney I retained made sure Alec’s transgressions were locked away and I wasn’t dragged down with anything.” Her eyes were filling now. “There were a few rumors, but since Alec was such a private person and he’d been placed on leave at the end of his shift that day, no one was aware of anything. Technically his leave never started.”

“But he left you that letter that morning,” he said. “He had to know what was happening.”

“I think he got caught or knew he was caught and was waiting to be fired or investigated. I don’t know and I’ll never know,” she said. “I don’t need to know. It’s all in the past. Why are you pacing?”

“I’m a little ticked off that you haven’t told me any of this for months. That you let me believe what I wanted about your relationship with Alec. That you were grieving him all this time and that is why you never dated.”

“I was grieving,” she said. “Don’t think otherwise.”

“You were grieving being lied to,” he snapped. “That you were worried your career could take a hit on top of it. What to say to your daughter when she gets older. All those things, but not grieving a man you didn’t love that much. Right? Someone that you would not stay with. I know you, when the truth came out, you would have left him.”

“I would have,” she said. “I wouldn’t have stuck by him for several reasons. The love wasn’t strong enough. I knew that. I just told you. We were making the best of a hard situation and getting through. That would have crumpled it all for me. I had an escape hatch and he didn’t.”