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“That’s one way to put it,” Emma says. The snag becomes a small hole.
“A death in the family is a terrible thing. And when it’s so recent—well, I understand that you are deep, deep in the grieving process.”
Anger floods Emma’s body, a chewed fingernail catching on the hole in her sweater. “You can’t even say theword,”she says. “I’m going through ‘challenging life changes,’ with ‘extenuating circumstances.’ If you can’t say the word, how can you possibly understand how I feel?”
Hastings closes his eyes. It looks to Emma like he’s trying to gather his strength. Then his eyes open with a snap, and he stares right at her.“Suicide,”he says, “is the tragedy of the greatest proportions.”
There. He said it. She didn’t think he would. Mr. Hastingskeeps swinging at her pitches. And even though she made him do it, it still hits her like a gut punch.
“When people are grieving,” Mr. Hastings goes on, “they sometimes have very dark thoughts. But these must remainthoughtsonly. I cannot have you going around talking about setting yourself on fire, Emma Blake. There are other ways to express your sadness. And there are far better ways to process it. Do you understand me?”
What Emma now understands is that Mr. Hastings doesn’t think she’s serious about actually doing it. He thinks she’s having “thoughts only,” as a mean to “express her sadness.”
She’s about to tell him how wrong he is when it occurs to her that his ignorance could be to her advantage. The less Mr. Hastings knows about her plans, the harder it will be for him to stop them.
CHAPTER 4
SO SHE NODS and says, “Yes. I understand you. I understand that you’re trying to take away my right of free speech. Just like you did with the newspaper.”
She crosses her arms, pleased with her deft shift in topic. Now Mr. Hastings will have to address the fact that she was the editor in chief of theRidgemont Trumpetfor four whole months before they censored her right out of it, mostly because of the word he struggled so hard to enunciate a few moments earlier.
But it’s Mr. Montgomery who speaks first. “Emma, be reasonable,” he says. “We couldn’t have you writing upsetting things in the school paper.”
“You mean you can’t have me writing the truth,” Emma says.
“It’s very complicated,” Mr. Hastings says.
“No,” Emma says. “There’s nothing simpler than the truth. The problem is that no one ever wants to hear it.”
That’s why she wrote the essay for Montgomery’s class—to tell the truth. But they stopped her before she even got there. They got hung up on the gruesome details.
In a matter of seconds, blisters will erupt on my skin. My hair will ignite.
Okay, maybe she could’ve been a little more subtle. If she had, maybe she’d have gotten to the last line:You—all of you—are sleepwalking through global catastrophe. And with my death, I intend to wake you up.
“Emma,” Mr. Hastings says, “we’re worried about you. You are a brilliant student—a leader at Ridgemont. Please don’t let all that slip away.”
“Correction,” Emma says. “I used to be a leader at Ridgemont. After I realized that everyone here walks around with blinders on, I decided I didn’t want to lead sheep.” The leather creaks as Emma gets up from her chair. “I can’t believe my grades actually matter to you when the wholeworldis in crisis.”
Mr. Hastings blinks at her in surprise. “We aren’t talking about the world here, Emma—”
“Well, you should be! That’s my entire point.” Which they would know if they’d let her finish reading her essay.
“You’re trying to distract us from the problem at hand,”Mr. Hastings says, “which is your erratic and disturbing behavior.”
Emma barks out a laugh. “If my behavior is what you think is ‘the problem at hand,’ you haven’t read the news.”
Mr. Hastings reaches down and extracts that day’sNew York Timesfrom his recycling bin. He pushes the paper toward Emma so she can see the headlines: HUNDREDSFEAREDDEADAFTERMYANMARFLOOD; THEHUMANCOST OF ABROKENIMMIGRATIONSYSTEM.
“I read the news every day,” he says quietly. “But my job is to care for the students under my charge. Which is why I’m putting you on academic probation and making you an appointment to speak to the school counselor.”
“And you’ll rewrite your essay,” Mr. Montgomery adds. “And it will be well crafted andappropriate,the way your essays were last semester. You are capable of it, and it will be good for you.”
“It’s a challenge you can rise to,” Mr. Hastings agrees. “However, I will add that I do want our students to find their work fulfilling. Like Mr. Montgomery, I believe an appropriate topic is necessary, and I also believe that you can find one that you care about. It seems that global issues matter to you. Why not write about climate change? Or our failing health care system?”
Emma wants to scream. Everyone’s so desperate for her to be the happy, active girl she used to be. She’s been thefreaking Ridgemont poster child, getting straight A’s in her classes, leading student clubs, dominating on the soccer field and the tennis court. Everyone misses that girl terribly, and they’d do anything to get her back.
Hell, even Emma misses her. But she can’t get her back.