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I turn my eyes from her.

“You’re not afraid he’ll blame you for Nico and leave you. You’re afraid he won’t,” she says softly. “You’re in love with him. And it scares the hell out of you.”

“Megan.” Tears well. “I can’t trust myself. And he shouldn’t either.”

“You’re not your parents, Mira. This isn’t some fling. This isn’t like the other times.”

“Loyalty means something to Rurik. When he finds out what I did, he’ll question if I can be loyal. It’s not a matter of whether or not I love him. How can he trust someone like me?”

“You saved yourself. You had to make a decision. He won’t blame you. I don’t blame you.” She grabs hold of my hand and squeezes hard. “You made the right call, Mira.”

Her declaration hangs between us.

“He deserves better.” Our plates rattle when I drop my head onto the table.

“He’d be an idiot to think so.” Megan says to the top of my head.

“Is everything all right?” Through the glass tabletop, our waitress’s feet appear beneath me.

“Yes.” Megan chuckles. “She’s just realized she actually loves the man she’s marrying.”

“Oh…uh, okay?”

“I can’t marry him.” I mutter. “I never agreed to marry him.”

“Would some wine help?”

“Yes. Please. White.” Megan sends her away. “Mira, it’s going to be okay.”

“No, it’s not.” I mutter into the tabletop. “I’m doing it again. It’s like I never learn.”

“Mira. Rurik isn’t anything like the other guys. For one, he has a job.”

“Yeah, as a killer for the mafia.” I really hope the people at the next table aren’t eavesdropping on us.

“He owns his own home.”

“That he paid for with the money he made working for the mafia.”

“At least he doesn’t live in his mom’s basement.” She sounds almost hopeful as she makes this point. Poor girl.

“Yeah.” I raise my head just enough to peek up at her. “Because when he was fifteen a different mafia family killed her and the rest of his family.”

She grimaces as though she just stepped in a pile of dog shit.

I rest my cheek on the table and sigh. “I get what you’re getting at, but shouldn’t I want to be with someone more…I don’t dunno, like Ted?”

“Who is Ted?”

“Ted is a finance guy who works in middle management and wears off the rack suits he bought while shopping at the mall on a Sunday afternoon. He doesn’t take me towarehouses to meet with drug dealers or kidnap me from my apartment.”

Now she looks like she wants to pull her hair out. Or mine.

“Mira. Is Ted a real guy?”

“No.” I moan. “I mean he might be. I’m sure there’s someone out there like that.”

“You would hate shopping at the mall on a Sunday with a Ted.”