Page 92

Story: Desired By you

“Help me understand how.”

Silence falls between us, and I watch as she twiddles the bracelet once again.

“Do you love him?” I ask, not really wanting the answer.

She just shakes her head and relief floods my body.

“Then leave him.” I know I’m not thinking clearly. I know my dad’s threats are looming over my head still, but right now, all I see is her, and I need her. It’s selfish and reckless, but I don’t care.

“Be with me. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.” My voice cracks and suddenly it feels hard to breathe.

“It’s not as simple as that.” She says it so quietly I almost miss it.

“What hold does he have over you? Has he hurt you too?”

She doesn’t say anything, and that makes my mind spiral. Has he touched her, forced her to do something? Hit her?

The black hole that’s been threatening to drag me in reappears in my mind and images from my past flash through my mind. My dad’s fists connecting with my jaw when I fucked up, my uncle’s kicks to the kidneys as I lay on the ground curled in a ball. Scotty on the desert ground, bleeding out, his thick dark blood coating my hands as I try desperately to bring him back to life, Cassidy lifeless on the ground as I pump her chest, Ali’s accident, Harry breaking down in my arms. The thought of somepiece of shit taking advantage of Gabriella and then the image of Patrick holding Gabriella down and hurting her all becomes too much. My chest feels incapable of expanding and I fist the fabric of my suit pants and reach out for her hand. “I can’t… I can’t...”

“Hey, hey look at me.” Gabriella’s voice sounds far away, but logically I know she’s there and I fight to stay present.

Her small hand presses against my chest, covering my heart. It hammers against her palm and her warm hand cradles my face.

I try desperately to suck in greedy breaths, but it doesn’t feel enough. My vision blurs, my mouth goes dry, and I feel like I can’t steal enough air to breathe.

“Focus on my voice and feel my hand. Focus on those two things.”

“I… I can’t…” I try to say, but the words won’t come.

“Ssssshhhh, it’s okay,” she soothes. “Breathe in and out. Look at me and just be with me. It’s just you and me. Be with me in this moment.” Her firm hand presses firmer over my chest and her voice feels like it’s closer. “I’ll chase away your demons, even its just for a little while.”

My breathing begins to slow. I focus on her voice and cover my hand with hers, lacing our fingers as my chest rises and falls beneath our connected hands.

She presses her forehead to mine and whispers, “Just tell me what you need, and I’ll give it to you.”

I swallow down the lump in my throat.

“You. I just need you. I need you to help me breathe again.”

I close my eyes, preparing for her rejection but her soft lips dust mine and she climbs into my lap and straddles me.

I weave my fingers into her hair and pull her closer, I kiss her like she’s my oxygen supply, the only thing keeping me alive, because that’s exactly how it feels and that scares me, I can’t put that pressure on her. I need to save myself. I can’t rely on her to do it. Sometimes things have to fall apart in order to be rebuilt,stronger and better than before. I need to give her some space, to figure out what she wants and who she wants. I can’t force it. It has to come from her.

“You’ve always had me, I just, I need…”

“Time,” I say finishing her sentence. She nods.

“Just give me something Gabriella please, give me hope that one day I’ll win you back, that there’s still a piece of your heart that belongs to me because all of mine belongs to you.”

Her words are soft, but I hear them. “Brad, I need you to know. Everything I’m doing, it’s so I can come back to you. Just hold me like I’m still yours for tonight, please.”

Chapter Forty Six

Gabriella

After checking in with Ali and when I knew she was safe at Harry’s apartment with him for the night, I slept over at Brad’s, and by slept I mean I helped him to bed and spent the night laid in his arms, replaying last night over, my confession, his words as I watched him, making sure he didn’t choke on his own vomit, or have another panic attack. It broke me in two to see him that way. The always strong and guarded man was a heap of broken pieces on the floor, and I helped break him. My head and my heart are in two different places. I want to be with Brad, but I’m terrified of the repercussions of that. I’m usually the fixer and these days, all I seem to do is break everything. After cleaning up the mess and broken glass in his kitchen, I snuck out while he slept peacefully and took a cab to see the only person I feel canhelp me right now, the only person I can think of that is strong enough to shoulder this burden with me.

I tap the door three times with my knuckles and it's only a brief moment before he answers and I instantly sag in relief. My bottom lip trembles and I’m not sure I can hold myself up any longer.