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“If you want to make a move, then by all means. Do it. I know you don’t need my permission but I’m not going to stand in your way.”

We’ve known each other all our lives. It’s never been natural for us to clash heads for more than a few days or a week at most.

Soren shakes his and loose golden hair falls around his face. “I fucked up.”

My lips purse. “Is that what you think?”

He exhales loudly and his fingers tap, tap, tap on his knee. “I got carried away, and instead of stopping myself, I went way too far. And I’m pissed off about it.”

I can’t help myself. “You should be.”

“I’m not sure if I'm madder about losing control, or about how much I liked it. How much I want to do it again.”

“Again?” I ask sourly. “But you just?—”

He turns to me with a glower. “What do you want me to say, Aiden? I’ve already apologized. You want to beinsecure dicks about it and make her a wedge between us? Of what?”

“Yeah, sure, you’re right.”

And he is. But the wound is fresh. It hasn’t had time to scab over yet.

He pushes off the chair, red-faced and staring at the horizon but finding nothing forgiving there, either. “I’m going fishing.”

“It’s a little late to head out.”

“I don’t fucking care.”

He shambles into the house, thumbs hooked into his jeans.

Let him go fishing. If he’s out of my sight, I’ll have more of a chance to reconcile with myself and figure out my next moves. This isn’t over between us, but at least he’s not acting like a fool about it.

While it loosens some of the constriction inside me to hear Soren take responsibility, it doesn’t change what happened.

I wanted it to be me. The first one to warm her bed after what happened in the lake water. And on the couch.

My control means nothing when Soren casually throws his away. Fuck.

Gilli is single and desirable, but that doesn’t mean she’s coming between us, or that we have a right to put her in a spot where she feels maneuvered. Forced to choose.

I have a life outside of this cabin. We’ve made ourselves insulated here and it’s hard to remember sometimes that there are real things out there requiring our brain cells. Things like jobs and families. This place wraps us in familiar warmth, makes it difficult to reconnect once we’ve unplugged from the grind.

Every time we come here, it’s harder for me to leave this solitude and contentment. Harder to go back home and be Aiden October, washed-up injured player, the one with the ruined career.

Oh, and didn’t you hear? He once bullied a girl into attempting suicide. Slit her wrists in the bathtub. Poor thing, it’s a miracle she pulled through. The paramedics found her in time.

I’m losing the strength to leave. A couple more trips to the cabin and I might say screw the rest of the world and just stay here.

I’ve never told Soren how I feel, and it has nothing to do with Gilli’s presence. It’s all me.

The world doesn’t wait for people to get their shit together, though. Life goes on without us and most of the time without even a glance back. Like what happened to Sophie after my bullying. The world didn’t stop to remember her after the first few months. The world went on and her suicide attempt faded from memory like so many others.

Except not from my memory. It’s impossible to forget.

I worked hard to pull myself up from my own depression, a depression based on guilt since it was my decision to bully her. For being different. For the strange mottled red birthmarks on her skin as though Sophie had any control over them.

Revisiting that time of my life makes me feel sick. It’s the last thing I wanted to do, and depression always looms close enough for me to recognize the signs.

Work helps. Having goals for the future helps.