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“I like you, Adelia. You know I do. But I’ve been wrong to let things go as far as they have between us.”
“Olly.”
He held up his hand as he continued. “I know we’ve already talked about the many differences between us that might stand in our way. But there’s more. And as much as I enjoy spending time with you and can’t deny my strong attraction to you, in the long run, it’s best if I tell you now before this goes any further.”
Adelia could already feel the tears burning in her eyes, even not knowing what he was about to say.
“I don’t want children.” He let it hang there in the air, heavy and important.
Adelia’s heart ached at his admission. She didn’t know what to say.
“I heard you talking about babies in there. I know you want a family. And I can’t let you consider what a future like that would be with me, because I can’t give it to you.”
Her brow furrowed. “Can’t? Or won’t?”
“Won’t.”
“I see.” She chewed on her bottom lip as the silence spread between them. “That’s the reason your marriage fell apart, isn’t it?”
“Yes.” There was such sadness on his face. “I wish things were different, Adelia, but it would be selfish of me to get serious with you, knowing how you feel about this.”
“Why don’t you want kids?” she asked.
“I think when I married Val, I thought kids might be something we talked about someday, but it was a long way off. Like some distant future that might or might not happen that didn’t affect us or how much we loved each other in the moment. She would mention it every once in a while, and I’d say we’d talk about it in another year or so, after I got a promotion or after we bought a bigger house that would fit kids. But I was really just making excuses. She got angrier and angrier about it as the years went by. Her clock was ticking, and she wanted to start trying. She was ready, and I knew I never would be.”
“Why?” Adelia asked.
“I …” He paused for several long moments, and his eyebrows scrunched up as if he was struggling to answer. “I’ve seen some bad stuff in my job. The world can be a horrible place. And I don’t want to bring a child into this.”
Adelia shook her head. “The world can be a horrible place. There are terrible people out there. But there are also good people, people who want to create something beautiful from their immense love for each other. And being afraid something bad is going to happen to a child isn’t reason enough not to have one. Of course, bad things happen to children sometimes. Bad things happen all the time. It’s just a fact. But you can’t live in fear of that or you’ll end up alone. Is that what you plan to do?”
“Of course not. But I can’t help how I feel.”
“I’m not trying to downplay how you feel, Oliver. But is there more to this?”
His lips pressed firmly together, and his silence told her there was. She wished she knew what was going through his mind.
“If we were to get married someday,” he said, “I would still feel the same way, and I don’t want to go through another divorce.”
“Well, you wouldn’t have to worry about that with me because I’m never getting married.”
Oliver’s eyes met hers. “You’re not?”
“Why spend years with someone, legally bound to them, and then have to go through the huge hassle of getting a divorce, splitting your assets and everything, if it all falls apart? After seeing what went down with my parents, who were married for decades, who I thought would be together for life, I’m not putting myself through that.”
“So, you don’t want a committed relationship then,” he replied.
“I do want that. Just not the marriage.”
“What if the man you love wants to get married?” Oliver asked.
She stared down to where snowflakes had started to accumulate on the fabric of her coat. “I guess I’ll hope it isn’t a dealbreaker for him, and if it is, then we weren’t meant to be.” She turned her eyes on him again. “You can’t possibly want marriage again after what happened with your wife.”
His gaze turned to the parking lot. “Actually, I do.”
Her mouth fell open at his admission.
“I still believe in committing my life to another person. I think marriage is important and special, and I want to find the right person to spend the rest of my life with. And when I do, I want to marry her.” He looked over at her. “You say my fear of losing a child shouldn’t keep me from having one, but you’re doing the same thing by not getting married. You’re afraid someone will hurt you like your mom hurt your dad.”