Page 65 of Bitter When He Begs

I rub a hand down my face. “Don’t you assholes start again.”

Eli smirks. “You don’t even know what we’re going to say.”

I raise my eyebrow. “You both are basically cornering me right now, so I know you’re about to get all in your feelings, and I don’t have the energy for that shit.”

Julian snorts, folding his arms across his chest like he’s bracing for me to be a dick about this—and he’s not wrong. I kind of want to be. “Tough,” he says flatly. “You’re getting it, anyway.”

Eli rubs the back of his neck, awkward for once, which is strange as hell to see on someone who usually walks around like the second coming of cool confidence. “Look,” he starts, eyes meeting mine, “we should’ve seen it. We should’ve noticed something was off sooner.”

I open my mouth, but he cuts me off with a raised hand. “I know, you’re gonna say you hid it well—and yeah, you did. But we were right there, man. Living with you. Laughing, partying, training. I mean, we watched you fucking unravel, and none of us said a thing. We just… let it slide. We joked when you were irritable, ignored it when you disappeared upstairs early, and we just figured you were moody or stressed or whatever. But you weren’t. You were drowning.”

“We all missed it,” Julian says, his tone softer than usual, his voice a low contrast to the usual snark. “Not just us—everyone. And we’re sorry for that.”

The knot that’s been twisted in my chest loosens just a little. I hate the way my throat tightens, hate the way my first instinct is to joke it off or shove them away with some bullshit comment. Instead, I shake my head and blow out a slow breath.

“Ididhide it well,” I say finally. “Because that’s what addicts do. We lie. We manipulate. We smile and tell ourselves we’re fine so much, it sounds real when we say it out loud. None of you saw it because I didn’t want you to.”

Eli’s brow furrows and he opens his mouth to argue, but I shake my head. “Seriously, I’m not blaming you, and I’m not holding it against anyone. I needed to fall apart and hit the kind of rock bottom that makes you sick of your own reflection. And yeah, it sucked. It still sucks some days. But I’m here, right? I’m clean. I’ve got people looking out for me whether I like it or not.” I glance between them. “Like you two jackasses.”

Julian exhales a laugh and shakes his head. “Still a dick.”

“Always,” I say with a grin that’s more real than it has any right to be.

Eli’s jaw tightens, and I sigh, rolling my shoulders, trying to release the tension building up in my spine.

“You couldn’t have known. I didn’t even know I was hooked until it was too late.”

Julian swallows hard. “You never said anything.”

“Would you have?” I shoot back—not cruel, just honest. “When your dad already thinks you’re a failure, when the whole damn school sees you as some hotshot quarterback golden boy, when every person expects you to be perfect even when you can’t breathe?”

They’re both quiet, and I look away, letting my eyes track the ripples in the pool water. It’s safer to focus on that than the heaviness in their faces. I don’t like pity. I don’t need it. But… maybe this isn’t pity. Maybe it’s just love dressed up in a language I’m still trying to learn.

“I never blamed any of you,” I say after a beat, softer this time. “Don’t start blaming yourselves now. Damon noticed because he’s been through it. He knew what to look for. You didn’t.”

Eli exhales shakily. “Still feels like we let you down.”

“You didn’t,” I say, firmly now. “I let myself down. I was the one taking the pills. I was the one hiding the truth. You guys were just being my friends.”

Julian steps closer and nudges my shoulder with his. “You know we love you, right? Like, actual love. Not the locker-room ‘I’d take a bullet for you but I won’t say it out loud’ kind. The annoying, nosy, family kind. You ever start spiraling again, we’re dragging your ass straight back to the surface.”

Eli adds, “Even if we have to beat the shit out of you to do it.”

That makes me chuckle, some of the heaviness lifting. “You two are ridiculous.”

“Yeah, but you love us,” Eli grins. “Come on, admit it.”

“I tolerate you,” I deadpan, and Julian flips me off.

“Fuck you, Luca.”

“You wish, West,” I shoot back, smirking.

They both laugh, and it’s easy for a second—like the weight isn’t there, like this scar doesn’t still ache some days. But I’m standing here in the middle of the Sin Bin backyard, not thinking about pills, not looking for an out, and I have two of my closest friends on either side of me.

It’s not nothing, and it’s fucking everything.

I think about where I was four months ago, locked in the same house, losing my mind in the quiet and telling myself I was fine.