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It was horrifying to know that I’d spent my time hurting people. That I’denjoyedhurting them. I worried parts of that monster still lurked inside me—dying embers coaxed to life in the way my heart raced when I spanked Elsie or when I finally managed to make Juniper shatter into frustrated tears.

But sexual sadism was far from the creature that’d relished in the fear of my prey. That played with the lives of others like I was a god.

"Many of the old covens resisted adapting to the new ways. Said it was unnatural. They like the adrenaline of the hunt, you see. It's—fuck, Vi.” I shuddered, discomfort drawing my shoulders tight.

If I told her everything…. if I was honest about who I used to be, would she be repulsed by me? Would I lose my chance with the first woman to make me feel anything but guilt and abject misery in months?

“Like the old stories then?” she said, trying to make excuses for something inexcusable. “That’s… A lot, Dana. But it’s all they are now. Stories. That part of your life is over, right?”

“I'm not like Elsie and June. I liked it. Hunting. The fear. The screaming. I loved the power, knowing I was at the top of the food chain. I don’t think I would’ve ever stopped if it wasn’t for Cherie.”

“So you… what? Liked to hurt people?”

If what I was telling Vi frightened her, she didn’t show it. Her eyes were full of curiosity. That was the problem with this generation—we’d been toothless, night-loving eccentrics too long and they’d forgotten we were monsters at our core.

In some ways, I worried I still was.

It’s not like I could help what I was. No matter how fairly I compensated my staff or how ethically I sourced my coven’s blood, I was still a vampire.

There was still a version of me who’d delighted in drinking a human dry.

“Cherie found me with my sire’s coven, living like a half-feral vagabond in Alaska,” I said, shaking my head as if it would dislodge the now painful memory. “She convinced me that there was a better way and brought me back to O to be security once I was safe enough to be around the girls.”

“And you never left?”

I shrugged, the smile threatening my lips a surprise. Usually, whenever I thought of her like this, the ache in my chest would become unbearable, but now the gentle happiness warming the space between my clavicles left me feeling tingly with pride.

“I fell in love with her, so there wasn’t enough blood or money in the world to make me leave. Juniper and Ren joined us shortly after that, and Elsie was the newest. We thought our coven was complete. We were ready to take on forever, you know?”

“What happened?” she asked, almost like she already regretted it. “I know she was sick, but…”

I cleared my throat, running a hand over my hair. “Cherie was bloodbound. Do you know what that means?”

She shook her head. “But the way you said it makes it sound really bad.”

“Vampires don’t just digest blood; our stomach lining and internal organs synthesize it to use as our own. When a vampire becomes bloodbound, it means their body doesn’t do that anymore. It’s like when a human tries to drink salt water—it does you far more harm than good. Eventually, the vampire doesn’t have enough blood in their veins to complete normalbodily functions.” I sighed, mostly to buy myself a moment from having to say the next part aloud. “It’s incurable, excruciating, and always results in death. She hid it from us for a long time, but…”

I couldn’t bring myself to tell her how disgusted I was with myself that I hadn’t noticed. That I was so wrapped up in day-to-day distractions that I failed to see my wife was wasting away in silence.

Unforgivable.

“I’m so sorry, Dana,” Vi said, placing her hand over mine. The lights of the arcade machines reflected in her eyes like little galaxies. “My, um… My mom has cancer. Had cancer; she’s in remission. It’s absolutely horrible to watch someone you love just… fucking degrade like that.”

I turned my hand over to lace our fingers, squeezing.

“It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, though watching Garrett spit all over her legacy is a fucking close second.”

“What does he have to do with anything?”

“Garrett is Cherie’s brother, and he’s the one extorting us for the club profits. She’d be so fucking ashamed of him if she knew. Cherie always held out hope that Garrett would clean up his act someday. Get with the program enough to actually take over the club. But when he didn’t, she changed the will. I just… I have no fucking idea where it is. The time after she told us she was sick is such a blur, Vi.”

“Dana, breathe,” she asked, tugging my hand to force my attention back to her. “We’ll find it.”

I pulled my hand away, taking a step backwards.

“You don’t get it, Vi. Everyone is depending on me—everyone. Even you. I don’t have time to forget things or to fuck up like this. Letting Garrett mess with the club? It’s a joke! I’m putting my entire coven at risk, not to mention all our employees.”

Guilt welled up, making my throat tight. It wasn’t Vi’s fault that my life was like this, and she didn’t deserve me taking it out on her, but I couldn’t help myself.