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“I can. On my own, when I concentrate on remembered pain. Or in my sessions, when I have the physical pain to focus on.”

“Because you’ve been conditioned to associate pleasure with pain.”

What did he think of her? She trembled. No one would want such a damaged, ruined girl. He could do so much better. “Yeah.”

“What kind of pain do you need?”

Was he considering doing this for her? “A backhand across the face. A choking restraint. Dry penetration. Those are mild forms, but they might work.”

“Mild?” he croaked, shoving a hand through his hair. “Christ, Charlee.” He stared at her. “Maybe when you’re with me, you could try to just think about the pain like you do when you’re alone.”

He wanted honesty. “Do you want me thinking about Roy when you’re fucking me?”

He flinched like she’d punched him, and she realized she’d just implied she had to think of another man to get off while with him.

“Jay, I didn’t mean you don’t turn me on, because I’ve never felt as good as I do with you. But when I recall pain, I instantly think of—”

“I know, Charlee. I don’t like it, but I understand.” He hugged her, resting his lips on her forehead. “We’ll figure out another way.”

In the warmth of his embrace and the stillness of the confined room, her swirling emotions abated. When she leaned back to look at him, his face was clouded in thought.

“What is it?”

His eyes cleared and found hers. “Does Roy have other women he dominates or enslaves?”

She shook her head. “He’s tried with others, but he told me I was the only one it worked out with.”

The emotion rolling off him was stifling. He lifted her hand to his lips, kissed her wrist, and his other hand clenched her waist. “Maybe Roy saw something in you. Something a sadist cannot resist possessing. And if I were honest, Charlee, I have an overwhelming need to possess you, too. What’s that make me?”

“Someone who will hold me so close Roy will never be able to wrench me away.”

He squeezed her to him. “Damn straight.”

“Good. We’ll figure out the rest, okay?” Her stomach growled. “We should eat.” She sagged against him, finally giving into the weariness of the long day. “Then I’m going to face plant somewhere.”

He kissed her nose, chuckling as he hoisted her to her feet. She noticed his hands remained on her hips, supporting her, making sure she wouldn’t fall. She had a feeling he’d never let her fall.

50

Jay carried a sleeping Charlee through the spacious living room and toward his wing of the band’s Los Feliz home. They had both fallen asleep on the jet after dinner, and she conked out again on the way from the airport. The fact that she didn’t wake when he lifted her from the car was a testament to how long the day had been.

And what a fucking day. He woke that morning with the same ache he always had, Charlee’s death at the forefront of his mind. Then there was his drug-induced meltdown after discovering her alive but in bed with another man. And the shooting. The dead man. The fans and paparazzi. And Roy. Concluding with the most intimate moment of his life while flying across the country. Through it all, he’d only used blow twice. Hadn’t even crossed his mind in hours. Why would it? Everything he wanted was alive and in his arms.

“Night, lover boy.” Laz’s teasing voice ricocheted through the twenty foot ceilings, followed by the squeak of leather as Rio and Wil threw themselves onto the couch.

Jay didn’t slow his strides through room. Neither did Nathan’s footfalls trailing behind him.

Laz flicked the controls that sent the exterior glass doors whirring into action. The panels glided in their tracks, vanishing the wall of theU-shaped estate and extending the indoor space to the aqua blue of the pool, the lounging deck, and the twinkling lights of their L.A. view.

The yawning vista usually invigorated Jay with a sense of autonomy. But holding Charlee in his arms, the panorama came with susceptibility. Could someone see in from the surrounding hillsides? Were the perimeter walls high enough? Should they keep the patio doors closed and reinforce the one-way glass? “Tony, give me a security update.”

She slowed her clipped pace ahead of him until he caught up. “I doubled the exterior patrol. Two men at the gates. Four more positioned throughout the property. I also contracted a third party—a company I’ve vetted and used before—to monitor the cameras while Colson and I sleep. The rest of the team will arrive from New York tomorrow, mid-morning.”

Nathan kept the pace at his back but hadn’t said a word since they entered the property. Jay knew that in his stoicism, he was scoping and analyzing.

They stopped at the double doors to Jay’s suite of rooms. Tony swiped her card key and the lock clicked. As was the protocol, she walked through first, leaving him at the threshold while she swept his sitting area, bedroom, bathroom, and closets.

Jay didn’t think the sweep was necessary, but since his were the only rooms that didn’t have surveillance, Tony argued for the additional security search. A debate he’d given up on a long time ago.