Page 37 of 12 Ways to Kill Your Family at Christmas

‘A play!’ Fergus bellowed. ‘Two words!’

‘Second word’, I mimed. ‘Two syllables;first syllable…’ I put my index fingers either side of my head to indicate ears, scrunched up my nose to show my two front teeth and made a squeaking sound.

‘No noises!’ chided Jeannie.

‘A rat!’ shouted Clem.

I shook my head and ducked down lower, trying to show her it was smaller than a rat.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ceecee elbow Beebee, who was frowning at her phone. They both looked up and me and sniggered.

Fergus was swaying slightly in his seat.

I pointed to my ear, then mimed small, scurrying movements with my hands.

‘A mouse! Mouse! MOUSE,’ Fergus drawled, slapping his thigh.

I nodded, relieved. For the second word, I held my hands open, one on top of the other, and clapped them shut.

‘Clap?’ said Clem, looking confused.

‘My God, sotragic,’ Ceecee muttered.

‘Time!’ Jeannie called, looking incredibly pleased because her team was winning.

I exhaled and threw the piece of paper back onto the table.

‘It wasThe Mousetrap,’ I sighed, flopping back into my seat.

Clem looked bemused. ‘Never heard of that one.’

Everyone fell into their own conversations, and I sat back once more, cradling the warmth of the cup in my hands. My eyes darted over to the twins every now and again to see if there was anything that looked like concern on their faces. So far, nothing.

Mimi had barely said a word, which I supposed was understandable when she’d only just lost her husband. I thought back to how they had fought, and how he wouldn’t even come back here with her. She didn’t look particularly sad. She did however look extremely fidgety and on edge. Sometimes it struck me that Mimi and I were not as different as I liked to maintain. One thing was for certain, neither of us wanted to be here. I did note that she and the girls barely ever spoke to one another, though. Which, despite the fact that I loathed them all with a passion, I had to admit was very sad.

Toots was whispering to Jeannie, and I strained my ears to try and pick out what she was saying. Martha shuffled forward in front of the fire to take her turn next. She bent down and picked up a torn piece of paper. Studying it, she wore a pained expression.

‘This is a hard one, Callum, you’ve got to pay attention.’ Martha clicked her fingers in the air at him and he let his Steam Deck slide off his lap.

‘Go on, then,’ he said sighing in resignation. He watched her signing, oozing boredom from every pore. ‘A film,’ he said. ‘Five words. First word, one syllable.’

Martha pointed to the window.

‘Snow!’ he shouted.

She shook her head, and a lock of hair fell loose.

‘Umm,’ he studied the window as she pointed up towards the sky. ‘Night?’

She nodded excitedly and indicated the fourth and fifth word. She held her arms out and staggered forward, her mouth hanging open.

Ceecee and Beebee were in fits of laughter now as they watched her. As though she was the butt of some joke between them. What thefuckwere they saying about my daughter and what blunt object could I use to cave their heads in?

‘Night of the Living Dead!’ Callum shouted.

Martha whooped and gave him a high-five, while Jeannie noted down the score.

‘No way did he getNight of the Living Deadfromthat,’ protested Ceecee.