Page 6 of Zeppelin (Satan’s Angels MC #9)

“Everything I read says it will pass,” I choke, my voice thick with emotion. I have to stop thinking about that or I’m going to break down. “Well, most things. Some people are unlucky enough to have to endure this for the whole nine months and then the real hard stuff starts.”

“The hard stuff?”

“You don’t just push out a baby and they’re a little fully formed human who is entirely independent.

It’s the opposite. My sister had a great baby, but there were still a lot of rough nights.

It takes a toll on your body.” That’s about as far into detail as I’m going to go with that. My face is already hot.

“I joined some forums. Parenting forums.”

Blomp ! There goes my jaw, hitting the darned gravel.

“It’s not the first time I’ve looked up something. I’ve listened to quite a few podcasts and videos and stuff about cars and bikes and the garage.” He ignores my incredulous, rude gaping. “Babies aren’t that much different.”

I swipe away the small beads of moisture gathering on my forehead. I don’t mean to laugh, but I can’t help it. “They’re quite a bit different, I’d say.”

“That’s just semantics. Vehicles need lots of love, care, and maintenance. Babies are pretty much the same.”

If this is how he wants to relate to this, I’m not going to be a jerk.

What’s the female version of mansplaining?

Anyway, I’m not going to dim the tiny glow that’s come into his eyes.

It looks good on him. He’s excited about this.

He did research . He came all the way out here, maybe to help out in any way he could, but also to talk to me.

It’s clear he was worried. He’s probably been even more tormented and anxious than I have, dealing with one shock while trying to process losing his brother.

He should have called or texted me first, but he still rode almost three hours on wet roads all the way out here.

Before I know what I’m doing, my hand smooths over my stomach. This baby is already so loved, and by more than just me. I drop it quickly, aware that my mom could be watching us right now.

I want as many people in my baby’s life as possible, loving them, teaching them, helping them throughout the years. Zeppelin getting excited about this, eager, concerned, showing a whole lot more emotion in two brief conversations than I’ve seen from him ever—that’s not nothing.

It’s a lot of something .

“I…” he holds out a hand, but quickly drops it, ramming it into the pocket of his jeans.

I notice now that they cling to him because they’re wet, outlining the muscles of his hard thighs.

“I’m sorry I just showed up here. It’s a twat move, I’ll give you that.

Last night, I was just thinking about- about Jack.

” He looks over my shoulder, but quickly turns his eyes up to the sky.

I don’t think he’s searching for his brother there, he just doesn’t know where to look.

“Me and Jack. That’s what I was thinking.

It’s fucking weird that I won’t be able to say that again.

There’s a cut off point. Jack will never do anything with me again.

He’s not a person anymore. He’s nothing.

Just a name. A set of memories. There was a fuckton of bad, but there was good too.

I want his child to know that. I want them to know the best of him.

Not just photos. You can’t get a sense of a person that way. ”

How can I stand here and not be affected by this man’s obvious pain and misery, but also by his determination?

All those hollow places in me fill with the force of his emotion, the extra huskiness in his voice that he can do nothing about, that thick swallow at the end of it all and how his eyes graze the ground before returning to mine.

“Zeppelin. I- I’m so sorry for what’s happening right now. For your pain, for all this change that no one should have to live through. The world is often hard and cruel. Jack deserved so many more years and you should have had that with him.”

If this man was a part of my family or even a friend, I would hug him.

I’d enfold him in tenderness and let it seep from me to him.

It physically hurts even more that I can’t do that.

I don’t want to invade his personal space.

It’s infinitely harder just to stand here and do nothing for him.

I rarely feel this helpless, and I hate it.

“I still haven’t told my family. Obviously. I just mentioned that.” I glance over my shoulder, but my mom isn’t spying on us from the kitchen. Not that I thought she’d invade my privacy that way, but I’m edgy. “I’m not sure how to explain why you showed up here.”

“You can tell them what I told you. That wasn’t just a bunch of lip service nonsense. Jack would have wanted me to look after you.”

“They know that I don’t need that, Zeppelin. Not to be mean. They just know me. They know that I’m strong.”

He thumps his chest, startling me at first, but only because the movement is so fast for someone so big.

“ I need it.” His voice breaks and his face creases.

I sway back and forth, wrapping my arms around myself like the wind could blow me away when I realize just how dangerously close to losing control he is.

“I need it, Ginny.” He shakes himself, clawing his way back from the breaking point.

“I don’t think you’re as hard hearted as you pretend to be.

I think you’re sweet and nice, like your sister. ”

“My sister would have told your brother to go to hell and would rather have nut punched him than anything. She forced herself to be nice.”

He grunts, but at least the fine lines at the corners of his eyes deepen a little.

Grave had that way of smiling without smiling.

He’d kind of snort when he was amused and secretly wanted to laugh.

“She loves you. She’s older. She wants to defend you.

That’s admirable. I don’t blame her one bit.

” He lapses into silence. I’m not sure what to say either.

“You’re down a person for gardening, aren’t you?

If your dad and brother are busy and Bronte’s in Hart, won’t you need someone to help out? ”

“It will just take us a few extra days. It’s not a big deal.”

“You have to do all that bending and planting. It’s hard on a body.”

“I’m a hard worker. It’s not going to hurt the baby to do the things I was doing before. I’ll still watch it, but we’re good. Really.”

“I’d like to come back if you’d let me.”

Good lord, he’s not going to give up. There’s clearly something wrong with me, because with every time he protests that he should be here, my resolve softens.

“Come on. You’d have to take time off work for that.

I live hours away from you. That’s not even practical.

” Ugh, what are those tiny seeds of warmth sprouting in my chest?

I have plenty of kindness in my life. I have far more blessings than I can begin to count.

I don’t need him to do this for me, and kindness isn’t a surprise like it is to those who haven’t known it.

I want to give him a list of twenty other reasons why it’s a terrible idea, but the door cracks open and my mom steps out. Swathed in her bright pink raincoat and matching rubber boots, she comes bearing a massive smile and her invitation face.

I sigh inwardly. Above all, Mom believes in hospitality. No guest leaves without drinking their fill of hot or cold tea and eating their weight in baked goods.

“Hello, Decay.”

I cringe and brace, but I’m the only one. “Zeppelin, ma’am. That’s my real name and I’m thinking about going back to it for a while.”

Mom never gets flustered, so what the heck is the slight pink on her cheeks? Jeez, it’s the ma’am thing. She hates it, but Zep makes it sound flirty. Almost borderline dirty.

Great. My whole face is at least ten thousand degrees.

I shake my head subtly. I expect Zeppelin to just ignore me and take my mom up on her offer, stay for hours, make everything extremely awkward, and then somehow let it slip what’s really going on.

I’m ninety-eight point eight percent sure that before, he wouldn’t have hesitated to be as loud as he possibly could be in every way, including when he was quiet.

Zeppelin doesn’t even look at me for cues. He shakes his head, giving my mom a genuine smile that makes my insides shiver as it transforms his whole face. At the same time, a bolt of pain lances my side, rippling all the way up through my chest. I never saw Grave smile like that.

“I was just riding past on my way back to Hart and wanted to stop in. Ginny’s been nice enough to text me when I needed someone who just got it.

I just wanted to talk for a minute, but I have to get going.

I understand you’re busy too, and I don’t want to make things more difficult for you and eat up a bunch of your time. ”

It’s a sort of innocent bending of the truth. Mom is absolutely charmed. Even I’m not immune. Until Zeppelin opens his big freaking mouth again.

“Could you use some muscle putting your garden in? Ginny was telling me about how you do a massive one to sell produce at the markets eventually.”

“Sure, if you’re offering!” Mom’s so excited about it.

I wish I could melt into the ground and remain there for the next few weeks, until it’s time to have the next awkward conversation with my family about the whole, surprise, you’re going to be grandparents thing.

“We wouldn’t turn down help,” Mom goes on.

“That’s very kind.” She gives the bike a sidelong look.

I don’t know if she’s ever been sold on them.

“It’s a long ride from Hart for you. It’s not all that safe or pleasant on gravel. Do you have a vehicle?”

“A cage? I don’t, but I could borrow one.”

“A cage?”