Page 11 of Yours for the Weekend

Beth needed me, I thought Nina understood.

Turns out she took Jamie to the show with her instead.

I was shocked and hurt since she knew how I felt about her coworker.

So when Nina confessed that Jamie kissed her, I reacted poorly.

Betrayal and anger flooded my veins. I yelled at her and called her nasty names.

Nina blamed me. Said it was my fault for ditching her and that Jamie never would have had the chance to kiss her if I wanted to actually spend time with her. So I left.

I didn’t want to break up. I was just too angry for words and was afraid I’d say something I couldn’t take back, so I went to Casey’s to calm down.

That only made things worse. Nina accused me of sleeping with Casey in retaliation, which was ludicrous.

I didn’t see Casey that way, and I never would have done that to Nina.

But the damage was done. Nina kicked me out of our apartment.

I crashed with Casey until I could get back on my feet.

At the time, and with Casey’s insistence, I knew I didn’t do anything wrong. But what if I did? We could still be together. She’d never be engaged to Jamie.

“Have I ever told you about the first girl I fell in love with?” Casey asks, startling me with the change of topic that pulls me from my thoughts.

“You mean Lily?”

Casey shakes her head. “Fiona Ellis.”

I frown. I’ve never heard that name. And I’m shocked. Lily was Casey’s sexual awakening. They dated briefly. But they were never in love?

Casey rubs her nose, her nervous tick. “Lily helped me figure out I’m bi.

She helped me accept that part of myself, and, for that, she’ll always hold a special place in my heart.

Despite us attempting to date, we were never in love.

I loved her as a friend, and I got things confused for a while in the haze of grappling with my sexuality.

But the first girl—the first person—I ever fell in love with was Fiona, my freshman year of college.

I loved her in a way that was all-consuming.

“We met at a party right at the beginning of the semester. This random asshole almost knocked me over, and I spilled my drink on her. She looked pissed, and I froze, thinking this gorgeous, angry woman was about to yell at me, but then she went off on the guy who didn’t even apologize for tackling me.

He was going to walk away without acknowledging what he did, so she grabbed him by his collar and spun him around and made him apologize to us both and demanded he pay for her dry cleaning. ”

“Damn,” I say. “And he did?”

She nods. “You don’t tell Fiona Ellis no.” Casey tightens her grip on her backpack straps. “She got me a new drink, and that was it. We spent the rest of the night talking, went back to her place after last call, and from then on we were inseparable. ”

Casey picks up the pace of her stride, almost like she wants to outrun her memories.

“My roommate was a nightmare. So passive-aggressive and complained about everything I did. The light on my phone was too bright. The volume of my music was too loud, even through my headphones .”

“I remember her,” I say, because Casey has complained a time or two about her roommate from hell.

The corners of Casey’s mouth rise in a ghost of a smile, but her face is too haunted for any real happiness to shine through.

She’s staring at the well-worn dirt trail under our feet.

“God, it was miserable being in the dorm with her. So I started spending more and more time with Fiona. She was a junior with an off-campus apartment. I felt so grown up having this place with her that started to feel like ours. I slept there every night, we would pick out random shit from Target to decorate the place, and I became friends with all her friends.”

“What happened?” I ask when Casey trails off.

“I lost myself in her. I wasted two years of college studying the wrong thing because she thought I could do better than make ‘silly little graphics online’ and became an engineering major like her. I couldn’t even remember what my favorite foods were because her favorites became my favorites.

I just loved her so much and wanted to make her happy that I gave and gave and gave.

In the end, it didn’t matter. After she graduated, she got a job on the West Coast. I had two years left of school and swore we could make long distance work. ”

“But it didn’t?” I guess.

“Didn’t even get to try. She broke up with me before she moved because she wanted to start fresh in her new life.”

“Fuck. ”

Casey nods. “I did everything I could to make Fiona love me—to choose me—but it wasn’t enough. So, I get it, I know how it feels to give everything to another person and lose them, but I promise you, you will fall in love again. I did.”

This one I know—Aaron Johnson—they started dating a couple weeks after my disastrous coming out to my family.

I was so happy because I thought it’d mean Nina would stop making weird comments about Casey being “too friendly” with me when it was just Casey being Casey.

She dated Aaron for two years, and they even talked about getting engaged.

But even though she fell in love again, does that make her right? I know logically a person is capable of falling in love multiple times. But a small part of me is afraid I’m the exception. I’ve never felt the same easy connection or chemistry with anyone but Nina.

Except with Casey.

The thought is so sudden and unexpected, it halts me in my tracks.

And oh. Oh shit.