Page 83 of Your Fault

“When I’m with you, I feel safe. You help me, Nick. I don’t need anyone else.”

He brought his hands to his head, as if trying to decide what to say next.

“Do it for me,” he said. “I need to see you happy if I’m going to be happy. I need you not to be afraid of the darkness, of your dead father, and I especially need you to stop thinking that you should love him or defend him because, Noah, your father was an abuser, and no one can change that, not you or anybody else, understand?”

I shook my head slowly… I felt lost… I didn’t know how totell him that the first time I’d ever admitted those feelings aloud, the thing I feared most was happening: he was judging me.

“I’m not crazy,” I said, pushing him away.

“Of course you’re not, babe, but you’ve been through things most people can’t imagine, and I don’t think you know how to deal with it… I just want you to be happy, okay, Noah? I’ll always be by your side, but I can’t fight off your demons. You have to do that on your own.”

“By seeing a shrink?”

“A psychologist, not a shrink,” he corrected me gently. “I went to one, you know? When I was a kid… After my mom left, I started to have insomnia, I wasn’t eating or sleeping…I was so sad, and I just couldn’t get over it on my own. Sometimes, talking to a person you don’t know helps you see things from a different perspective… Do it for me, Freckles. I need you to try, at least.”

He seemed so worried about me…and I knew, deep down, that he was right. I couldn’t go on like that. I was scared to be in the dark, scared of those nightmares following me every night…

“Please.”

I looked at him for a moment, and all at once, I felt thankful that I had him there. I knew without him, I’d never dare make that decision.

“It’s fine. I’ll go.”

He had edged over to me by then, and I felt the sigh of relief blowing from his lips as he bent over to kiss me.

I didn’t want to go back home. My mother would be enraged, and the last thing I wanted to do was face off with her.

“I fucked up, right?” I said, rubbing my face as we went back in his car.

His fingers grazed the nape of my neck as he looked straightahead on the freeway. “That’s one way of looking at it, probably, but at least you said it.”

I looked over at him, thinking about how real it was now: we were going to live together; the deal was done, and soon. If I wanted, I could grab my things then and there, walk out the door, and start a new life with him.

Nick parked close to the door. The senator and his daughter must have gone because the only cars there were Will’s and my mother’s. Mine was back at the cemetery… Nick hadn’t wanted me to go back alone and said he’d send Steve to pick it up the next day.

Not wanting to get out, with a knot of anxiety in my chest, I leaned my arm into the door and my head into the side window. What a horrible day it had been.

“Come here,” Nick said, pulling me over until I was on his lap with my feet in the passenger seat. He squeezed me tight, and I rested my cheek against his neck.

“Everything’s going to be fine, babe.”

I closed my eyes and let his words soothe me.

“As for Sophia…I know I shouldn’t have acted that way, but she’s the girl who got Jenna out of jail, and you never even mentioned you worked with her…”

“There’s nothing to worry about, Noah. I have no feelings whatsoever for Sophia or for anyone except you… How could I even think of hurting you?”

I nestled my face closer and kissed his collarbone. He smelled so good…and I felt so safe in his arms…in those strong arms that protected me and that cradled me softly, as though afraid I would break.

“Stay with me tonight,” I whispered, knowing that meant he’d have to confront his father in the morning.

“Of course,” he said, and I felt a huge weight lift off me.

34

Nick

In the morning, I left home early, carrying Noah’s two enormous suitcases. I didn’t have time to fight with our parents before going to work, and I didn’t want them spoiling the happiness of knowing that we had finally started the move and that Noah and I would be together at last.