Page 3

DEACON

U nintentionally, I drown out Wade’s voice, my attention too focused on Julian; enraptured with the man before me. Dressed in all black, his tuxedo fits every inch of him like a second skin, his satin bowtie now perfectly placed at the base of his throat. His hair is slicked back, and despite his red-rimmed eyes, I don’t miss the smile stretched across his face or the flush of his cheeks.

Happiness radiates off him, and I try to breathe through the tight feeling in my chest. Between missing Rhett, gratitude for my father and sister, and the absolute disbelief that I get to live the rest of my life loved by a man like Julian, it’s almost too much for my heart to contain.

There have been many times in my life when I’ve sat amongst the crowd, happy to remain quiet and go unnoticed. For the most part, the background is where I enjoy being. Little or no attention is perfect.

My house. My bubble. My man.

But like all of our life-changing moments, today, with all of our friends and family watching me, I don’t care about all the attention. I’ll stand here boasting about and praising the best man there is till my voice is hoarse and my legs give out.

Julian’s hands squeeze mine, and I find myself matching his wide smile. It’s almost impossible to contain the jittery feeling inside my stomach, my patience waning, wanting to race ahead to the part where we say “I do” sooner rather than later.

“I have known Deacon my whole adult life,” I hear Wade say. “And I have never seen him happier than he’s been these last five and a half years. I have never seen him fuss and fawn the way he does over Julian.”

A low rumble of laughter sweeps through our guests as Wade continues talking. “I’ve had the pleasure of having a man like Deacon by my side; my best friend, my business partner, my brother. I’ve borne witness to him in every stage of his life, and by far this has been the best one.”

Wade pauses, clearing his throat, visibly trying to avoid getting too emotional in front of an audience. “Life can be tricky,” he continues. “There are real highs and even worse lows, but with Julian by his side, these two together know how to weather a storm.

“Julian and Deacon, it is an honor to be able to celebrate your love and your union, and I know I’m not the only one here today who feels this way.”

Wade gestures to my sister, who is once again dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. Victoria rises up off the seat and makes her way to the nearby lectern. Instead of asking Victoria to go the traditional route and read a romantic poem or sonnet, Julian and I told her she had free rein to speak from the heart.

“Hi,” she says nervously into the microphone. “I’m just going to go ahead and warn everyone that there will be tears, and please just bear with me.”

Everyone laughs.

“For those of you who don’t know, Deacon and I had a brother, Rhett. And he died almost seven years ago.”

Her words stun me, especially after our earlier conversation, and I feel my hands instinctively tighten around Julian’s. His gaze bores into mine, reassuring me, because he knows without the exact words just how muddled up I can sometimes feel inside. But I trust him. Holding his gaze, breathing in and out, I give my fears and anxieties to the man I love, because I trust him to take care of me when I need it most.

And like all those years ago, when we were navigating our initial feelings, I trust us.

I trust what we have, what we’ve built, and what we’ve promised.

Implicitly.

“Unfortunately for Rhett, he knew the end was near,” Victoria continues. “So in his free time, he wrote us all some letters.”

My heart begins to thump erratically in my chest, and tears fill my eyes as I reminisce on my letter and all the things he wrote to me. Julian’s smile turns a little sad, and I know he’s thinking about his own letters and his own choices.

As if he can read my mind, he offers me a subtle shake of his head and leans forward, quickly whispering in my ear, “I don’t regret a single thing.”

“I love you,” I mouth just before we both tune back in to Victoria’s speech.

“As one would expect, there was a long list of things Rhett asked me to do, as the oldest sibling. Some were funny and ridiculous. And some…” Vic’s voice cracks as she continues. “And some broke my heart,” she confesses. “And some, on a day like today, almost feel prophetic.”

Victoria turns her body to face Julian and me, careful not to drop her gaze or lose the connection. As she starts speaking again, I realize she’s no longer reading from the page, because she’s memorized the words.

For this moment, or because she’s read it so many times, I don’t know.

“On a serious note,” Vic starts, and I realize she’s jumping straight into the part of the letter she wants to share. “Everything in this letter is just a guide, it’s an option, because who am I to tell you how to live your life? I barely lived mine.” She pauses, because I know not everyone understood Rhett’s dark humor. “But there is one thing that isn’t negotiable.”

Victoria’s familiar eyes dart between us before she says, “Deacon and Julian need one another. I know there’s distance and animosity and a whole lot of love lost between them.”

I hear the words in her pause loud and clear.

Because of Mom.

“But they are two of the best people I know, and I wish they knew that about themselves. I wish they knew that grief is easier shared, and that moving forward doesn’t always mean they can’t sometimes look back.

“I’m here. I’ll always be here. For all of you. Cheering you on. Wishing I was there. Kiss Lia for me. Love you, Vic. Love you all.”

The sob that wrenches itself out of my mouth surprises me the most. I tug my hands from Julian’s hold and bury my head in them instantly.

My shoulders shake as I struggle to regulate my emotions. It isn’t shame or embarrassment, but just the overwhelming sensation of being taken care of and understood, in a way I was never able to experience when he was alive.

The uncertainty from earlier shifts into that familiar, ever-present coexistence of grief and gratitude.

I feel firm arms circle my body and lips against my neck. It isn’t often I allow myself to fall apart, and I never would’ve chosen for it to happen today, in front of everyone. But hearing those words out of Victoria’s mouth and knowing what Rhett had asked of me in my letter, I can’t help but wonder what he saw that we didn’t.

He was so certain and so sure. And that’s more than enough for me.

It solidified what I so often knew, but regretfully allowed myself to be insecure about.

This is right. Julian and I are right. And everyone here in this room knows it too.

As my tears subside, and my breathing steadies, my arms make their way around Julian. Hugging him to me, my head nestles in the crook of his neck. As always, he is my comfort and my rock, patient as ever, making sure I’m okay.

Slowly, I lift my head up and meet Julian’s tear-filled eyes.

“I promise, we will get married at some point today,” I joke.

“You know I’ll wait,” he says, the softest, most beautiful smile painted on his face.

He presses his lips to mine, comforting me when Wade’s hands land on our shoulders, pulling us apart. “No kissing, folks, we still have some vows to get through.”

Knowing what’s coming next, I don’t even bother wiping my eyes. Feeling a lot more exposed and vulnerable than I expected, I know it won’t be an easy feat to get through my vows without breaking down again.

Inhaling, I steady my breath and just bask in the occasion. Even with the inundation of tears, emotions and confessions, I know this is a once-in-a-lifetime moment. Everything we’ve endured and experienced has led us here. Every step, every fight, every apology.

Every single time I said I love you.

“And because I’m certain we all want to cry again, it’s time for these two gentlemen to exchange their vows,” Wade says, steering the ceremony back on track.

Everyone laughs, and as they do, I grab Julian’s hands in mine, my only focus, him. I tighten my hold and try to ignore my quickening pulse, hoping that all the nights I spent, pen to paper, writing and rewriting, memorizing and reciting—over and over again—was enough.

Glancing at Wade, he offers me a nod, and I take it as my cue. A blanket of silence falls over the room, and I feel the air tightening around us, closing us in, both of us back in our bubble.

Locking eyes with Julian, I let his brown depths soothe and comfort me as I try to swallow past the lump of emotion lodged in my throat.

Filled with love and adoration, I focus on the man in front of me, and prepare to proudly profess my love for him.

“Julian,” I say on an exhale. “Julian. Julian. Julian.”

His mouth ticks up in a smirk, and all the knots of tension and anxiety loosen instantly.

I’ve got this.

“I love you,” I say simply. “It’s funny how easy those words are to say now. In fact, they almost never feel enough. I can remember when those words first left my mouth…” My voice trails off as I remember those hours in that hotel room, the tears, the sweat, the sex—the love between us and just how life changing those three words became.

“I hadn’t really felt love before you,” I continue. “Not in that all-consuming way.”

Pulling my hands away from his, I raise them to his cheeks, cupping his jaw. “And you consume me, Julian. My whole world is you, and there isn’t a single thing about that I want to change.”

I catch the tear that falls from his lashes with my thumb, and talk directly to him.

From my heart to his.