Page 35 of Winging It with You

I can’t remember the last time I publicly, and voluntarily, talked about Ethan, but now that the can of worms has been opened, it seems I can’t stop myself.

There’s also something about Asher and the way he’s giving me the space to share that makes me want to confide in him.

The trauma train has left the station and whether Asher wants it or not, he’s getting a front-row seat to the mess that is my life.

But as far as I can tell, he’s engaged. Nodding his head here and there, positioning himself more comfortably in his seat so his entire body is facing me attentively.

“He was my first real ally in the military. Someone I knew was in my corner, regardless of what else was going on. We’d work out, grab a few beers at the on-base bowling alley after work, and spend every free moment together.”

I think back to those first few months after graduating pilot training. The anxiety and stress of active duty. The newness of living away from home in an environment that couldn’t be more foreign to me.

The undeniable attraction that grew toward Ethan.

The more time I spent with him, the more it became clear that what I was feeling when I was with him was more than just friendship.

He would listen to me ramble on about my day—like truly and genuinely listen, in a way that no one had before.

He’d buckle over from laughter at all my jokes and light up whenever I walked into the room.

He made me feel special. Seen.

And eventually, he made me feel what I thought then was love.

When we sat side by side that October night on the old couch he helped me load into the back of my truck, everything changed.

A random movie played in the background and the buzz of a few homemade margaritas made everything swirl around us.

When his thigh slowly grazed mine, I knew it was now or never.

Relief washed over me when he didn’t recoil from me leaning over to kiss him.

In fact, it was the most natural thing in the world. Almost as if the entire time he had been patiently waiting for me to come to my senses.

Kissing Ethan was everything I’d hoped it would be.

Slow and tender, like our hearts were choosing to take their time.

His warmth was all-consuming and the more time my lips pressed against his, the more it became clear that Ethan and I could never go back to being just friends.

His kiss awakened something in me. Something permanent and life-affirming, and when he pulled back slightly, mouthing, Finally , against my lips, I knew I was a goner.

After that first kiss, we dated in secret for just over a year.

It’s not that we were breaking any rules or afraid of what our teammates would think. We just desperately wanted to keep what we had only for us as long as we possibly could. And I was more than fine with that, because I’d never known happiness like being Ethan Carmichael’s boyfriend.

Until the rules changed, and he was promoted.

Because once he was promoted, he officially outranked me. And because he outranked me, us being together became a problem.

“How did you navigate all that?” Asher asks gently, leaning forward in his seat, eyes wide with curiosity.

“We had it all worked out. As soon as Ethan officially pinned on his new rank, we planned to speak to our fleet commander to inform her of our preexisting relationship.”

I can remember every detail of what happened next.

Asher, who is probably one of the most astute and observant individuals I’ve ever met, must sense the toll recounting this story is taking on me.

He squeezes my hand, a small but appreciated sign that he’s here.

“To make an incredibly long and heart-crushingly painful story short, a coworker, who had somehow learned of our relationship, had already beat us to the punch. By the time we were able to meet with our commander, we were already in violation for having an unprofessional relationship.”

“Stop.” Asher covers his mouth with his hands, his confusion mirroring how I’d felt at the time.

“Ethan and I were immediately put on no-contact orders—”

“Wait, what does that mean?” he interrupts, his eyebrows raised with concern.

“It means from one second to the next, I was legally forbidden to speak to, interact with, or be in the same room with Ethan. We were essentially ripped apart and barred from seeing each other during the one moment we needed the other most.”

Asher is quiet for a moment. A first. But then he places a hesitant hand on my forearm. “Theo…I don’t even know what to say.”

“Hold on, there’s more.”

But I have spent the better part of the last three years doing everything in my power not to think about what comes next.

It’s too painful.

“They conducted a full-blown investigation into the nature of our relationship.” I drop my gaze, picking at a stray thread on my backpack strap.

“They started with an in-depth review of our entire military careers, all the way back to our individual officer-training days in college. Then, they followed it up with invasive interviews with our mutual friends and colleagues. And when the time finally came, they sat me down.”

I can feel the all-too-familiar lump wedging itself deep in my throat as I prepare to talk about the worst day of my life.

“Moments after I had poured my heart out to my commander about soulmates and finding love in the most unexpected places, I was informed that Ethan had denied the whole thing.”

Asher’s jaw literally drops. “He didn’t.”

“He did.” I swallow hard, trying to hide the wave of grief that’s resurfacing. “He chose his career over us…and on some level, I can kind of understand how, or at least why, he made that decision.”

“But what about your career?”

“As the lower-ranking member, it became clear to me that I was now disposable in this situation. The investigating officers, as well as my own coworkers and leaders, rallied behind Ethan. He was an up-and-coming officer with all the potential. The sure thing.”

I turn my head toward Asher to meet his confused expression. “I, on the other hand, was quickly labeled as the officer who didn’t follow the rules. The one who disobeyed orders. Someone who selfishly and knowingly went after a superior.”

“But that’s obviously not what happened,” he presses. “What did Ethan end up having to say about all this?”

I sigh. “I wish I knew. We couldn’t talk during the investigation, no matter how badly I wanted to, and by the time it was over, what was the point? He’d chosen to trade in what we had for a ticket into the good graces of our commander, while I was eventually discharged for it.”

That’s the part that hurts the most—even after all this time—seeing how easy it was for him to not choose me.

Seeing just how disposable I was.

“I’m confused, though,” Asher says, rubbing his temples. “Don’t people meet and fall in love in the military all the time? I can literally think of like ten movies and books off the top of my head with that meet-cute being the romantic focal point.”

“They do.” He’s not wrong. I have several military romances loaded up on my Kindle as we speak.

“Then what was the problem with you and Ethan? I know you mentioned that it only became a problem once he got promoted, but was the fact that you’re gay…”

I don’t think I’ll ever know what made our situation unprofessional while the countless others I’d seen throughout my career had been accepted, no questions asked.

Do I think it was because we were two men? Absolutely.

But can I prove it? Unfortunately, no.

“All I know is that the military loves to tout the progress and great strides they’re making toward inclusion and equity.

They pat themselves on the back for hosting lunches and diversity panels and slapping together a few brightly colored social media posts for each observance.

But when it’s over? Everything goes back to the status quo and the scales get tipped back in favor of the straight, white, cis men who wear the uniform. ”

“Don’t you think that’s fucked up?”

“Of course I do, Asher. It’s all I’ve thought about for the last couple of years.

I can’t help but think how differently the situation would have been handled if Ethan and I were a straight couple.

Still, being in the Navy was the best thing that’s happened to me.

I genuinely don’t think I’d have the career and drive I do today if I hadn’t. ”

I mean that.

Even with everything that went down, I don’t regret my time in uniform for a second. “But I’m also not going to pretend that the only people who have the unwavering support of the American military aren’t those who are firmly in the good ol’ boys club.”

Asher’s quiet again, the reality of my statement left to linger between us. The silence makes me feel like I might have shared too much. Like this information would have been better kept locked away.

“What did your family say about all this?” he asks quietly, like he knows he’s tiptoeing around a difficult topic.

I swallow, shifting in my seat again. “They were shocked, I’m sure.

But honestly, we only really talked about the career aspect and what I was going to do next.

I don’t know, maybe they already knew about me or they didn’t want to talk about it or they just didn’t care, but the whole sexuality conversation never came up, so I just followed their lead. ”

Part of me wishes I pushed harder back then.

Clawed the Band-Aid off and said out loud what I knew we were all thinking.

That I was gay and that I was still figuring it all out.

That my heart was unbearably broken.

That my worst fear just became my reality.

But I said none of those things and they didn’t either and somehow, the world didn’t fall off its axis. And now, too much time has passed that it hasn’t seemed worth it to bring the whole thing up again.

“And honestly,” I add, my throat tight, “it was easier to just…run from it all.”

“I’m really sorry you experienced that. I can’t even imagine…” His voice trails off, but before it does, a trace of sadness is unmistakable.

“It is what it is.” I sigh.

I realize Asher’s hand is still on my forearm. When I move my attention to his grip, however, he slowly returns it to his own lap. “Is that how you really feel?”

Is it? I can’t be sure. But know I’m exhausted from being angry about it. From letting my anger at Ethan and my resentment of the leaders who failed me weigh on my heart.

“It’s how I’m trying to feel about it. I need to believe the things we go through in life—the good, the bad, and everything in between—they are all somehow not-so-subtly nudging us toward what’s meant to be.”

He smiles, seemingly in agreement with my cheesy way of consoling myself, which makes me feel a little lighter. Like maybe all this—meeting Asher in the airport and competing together—is perhaps where life was meant to take me.

Both of us.