Page 43 of Wild Hearts (Ruby Ridge #1)

catalina

. . .

O nce Carter’s breathing evens out, slow and deep against my back, I carefully slip out from under his arm.

He stirs for half a second, but I gently shush him, pressing a kiss to his forearm.

Stay asleep, cowboy. I just need a minute.

I throw on one of his flannels hanging over the chair, wrapping it tightly around me. It envelops me completely, smelling of cedar, pine, and him. I creep down the stairs barefoot, each step creaking slightly under my weight.

I step out into the night. The grass feels cold and damp against my feet, the fresh air sharp in my lungs.

Above me, the sky stretches wide, a thousand stars stitched across an endless velvet expanse.

It’s so different from Los Angeles. Here, it’s just me, the darkness, and whatever’s left of my shattered heart.

I make my way to the barn without thought. The door creaks softly as I slip inside, the scent of hay wrapping around me like something familiar. I hated the smell when I first arrived, but now I can’t imagine living without it .

“Hey, babies,” I whisper as I walk down the aisle between stalls. Moonlight filters through the cracks in the wood, casting silver stripes across the floor.

Toffee lifts her head as I pass, and I run my fingers gently along her nose, the warmth of her breath grounding me in a way that nothing else has tonight.

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” I whisper, resting my forehead against her for a second. She nudges me, like she knows.

Across from her, Rain shifts, her silver coat catching the little moonlight that trickles in. I cross the aisle and gently run my hand down her neck, whispering her name as I place a soft kiss on her forehead. She leans into me with a small exhale, and I offer her a handful of sugar cubes.

I move to Midnight’s stall next and let my fingers drift across his black coat, whispering soft hellos and gentle apologies as if they understand the heaviness in my chest.

Maybe they do.

When I exit the barn, my hands carry the scent of dust and sugar cubes. My heart continues to pound out of rhythm.

I wander through the open pasture until the house is just a soft glow behind me. I sink down into the grass, pulling Carter’s flannel tighter around me like a second skin. The silence wraps around me, yet I don’t feel alone.

Not really.

I tilt my head back, whispering into the dark, my voice cracking before the words slip out. “Hola, Mamí.”

The stars don’t respond, but the wind hums softly against the trees.

Somehow, I feel her.

Tears blur my vision as I hug my knees to my chest. “I know it’s been a while since I talked to you. I just... I don’t know how to do this without you, Mamí. I’m trying so fucking hard. But sometimes it feels like I’m running on empty, like I’m this broken thing no one knows how to fix.”

The ache in my throat burns so intensely that I can barely get the words out. “I-I miss you. Every fucking day. And these past couple of months? God, I’ve needed you so many times, it fucking hurts.”

I swipe the back of my hand across my cheeks, but the tears keep flowing. “I met someone—his name’s Carter. You’d love him, Mamí. He’s rough around the edges, but... his heart? His heart’s so big it could hold the whole world. He’s patient with me and sees me in ways no one else ever has.”

The sob rips out of me before I can stop it. I press my forehead to my knees, breathing through the wave. “He told me he loves me tonight, and I just laid there and pretended to be asleep because I’m a fucking coward.”

I sniffle, wiping my nose against his flannel. “I’m scared, Mamí. I’m terrified of being loved, of letting someone see the parts I try to hide. I’m scared of ruining something good before it even has a chance. What if I’m too much? What if I’m too broken, too messy, too complicated to love at all?”

The wind picks up, brushing through my hair, lifting it off my shoulders like gentle fingers.

“I want to be better. I want to believe that I deserve this—him, this place, a fucking future.” I look up again, staring through the blur of tears at the endless sprawl of stars. “Please, please give me a sign that I’m not ruining everything. That I’m allowed to want this.”

The breeze shifts, cool against my burning skin, almost like a response.

I close my eyes and let it wash over me, taking a deep breath .

For the first time in a long while, it doesn’t feel like I’m talking to empty space. It feels like she’s here, tucked into the night, holding me close like she used to.

“I love you, Mamí.”

I sit in the grass for a moment longer, letting the breeze tickle my skin.

I’m not sure what hurts more—missing her, or the fact that happiness feels wrong without her in it.

The sound of feet crossing the grass comes into earshot.

He comes in hesitant steps, unsure if he should disturb this quiet moment that I’m having, but the truth is, I was hoping he’d come out here.

“Baby, what’re you doin’ out here?”

I glance over my shoulder.

Carter stands barefoot in just a pair of gray sweatpants, hair a mess, face puffy with sleep, and a sleepy scowl carved into his brows.

My throat tightens.

I don’t deserve him.

“I just needed some air,” I choke out.

He probably thinks I’m going to run away after he confessed his love to me. It’s not that I don’t love him, I’m scared to say it out loud; I’m scared that when I do, it will become broken, ruined, like me.

He walks the last few steps and lowers himself beside me with a quiet grunt, settling into the grass.

I stare at the sky, the stars above scattered like shattered glass, glistening in the vast expanse of the Tennessee sky. The full moon glows, casting a soft, illuminating light onto the pasture.

“I want to introduce you to someone,” I finally say .

He shifts beside me, throwing his arm over my shoulders and pulling me tightly into his chest.

I let out a strangled sob, wiping underneath my eyes as I lean into his touch.

“Mamí,” I whisper, “this is Carter.”

Carter doesn’t speak.

The silence between us stretches like a held breath.

Then he inhales slowly, and when I finally risk a glance, he’s staring up at the sky, and under the moonlight, I see a tear escape his eye.

Seeing him like this, fucking breaks me.

His lips part, and his voice comes out quiet.

“Hi, ma’am.”

My hand flies up to my mouth, masking the choked-out sobs that are threatening to escape.

He swallows, glances down at me, and reaches out to wipe the tears underneath my eyes.

“Your daughter, she’s really loud and dramatic.”

He lets out a soft chuckle, continuing to caress my face.

“But she’s also got more fire in her than anyone I’ve ever met. She loves fiercely, and she makes the quiet feel less lonely.”

Carter pulls me closer, positioning me to sit in front of him, my back pressed against his bare chest.

“I know I’m not what you pictured for her. I’m rough around the edges and carry more baggage than I can count. But I’d walk through hell for her, and I will—every day.”

I let out a shaking breath.

Carter’s rough hand caresses my jaw, his thumb tilting my chin up to meet his gaze. His blue eyes searched mine with want, need, and love.

Those three words are threatening to escape my lips, but I shove them back down, scared of letting the truth come out.

“C’mon baby, let’s get some sleep,” he says as he presses a gentle kiss to my forehead.

I lean into his chest, close my eyes, and for the first time in a long time… I feel something that almost feels like peace.

My grief will always be a part of me, but Carter’s love and patience is helping me grow with this ache that I never thought I’d get past.