Page 61 of Wild Card (Men of Action #4)

WILLOW

“That’s it for today.”

Lucas’s voice draws me back to the present, and I find him and Bex staring at me.

“We’re done?”

“Wills, we lost you five minutes ago.”

I drop my head in my hands, tugging my hair. “Sorry, I spaced out.”

“You lasted two hours.” Bex takes my hands in hers. “That’s progress.”

“I have to get my head back in the game.”

“You know this shit A-to-Z. These sessions are review.” Lucas closes his laptop.

“The test is coming up. I can’t afford to screw up now.”

“You have a lot going on,” Bex says softly.

“That’s just it, I have nothing going on except this test. Rowan has her business, Jewls and Harley have their boys, you both have lives… but me? I’m blah.”

“You’re not blah.”

“You called me a hodger and a spinster.”

“Because I wanted you to get out of your shell and live your life. And that was way before Talon.”

I don’t remind her it was actually after I met Talon; instead, I admit what’s been obvious the last few days. “I’m losing my mind.”

“That’s understandable.” The amount of sympathy in her tone grates on my nerves.

“You don’t get it. I’m actually losing my mind. The other day, when April, Mark, and the Whitmans finally left, Wolf and Mack were missing all their playmates. Rowan was at the salon and I decided to take them to the park. They were crazy watching me pack their things.

“When I pulled into the parking lot and turned to see their excitement—my backseat was empty. I forgot them at home. I had their leashes, bowls, toys… but not the damn dogs!”

“You’re distracted.”

My laugh is laced with sarcasm. “I’m pathetic.

Oh, the irony… I thought the months after Joseph earned me pity.

Now I’m a thousand times worse. For years, I relished my alone time.

It was precious to me. Peace, quiet, not responsible for anything but myself and Wolf.

I inwardly judged people who always had to have something going on.

Now all I have is peace and quiet and I detest it!

When everyone left, I felt relief. Then the house was empty, and I’d give anything to have them all back. ”

“You have a huge support system now. It’s natural to feel this way.”

My eyes bug out at her simplistic reasoning. “That’s what you have to say?”

“Willow, babe, hate to kick you when you’re down, but Talon would be pissed to see you like this.”

My head whips to Lucas. “I know that! He’s the reason I even try.

But when I wake up in a sweat, nightmares plaguing my thoughts, and reach for him—his side of the bed is cold!

It’s cold, Lucas! He’s not there to warm it or to tuck me in when he leaves at zero-dark-thirty for work.

The room is lifeless without him. Everything is empty. And it hurts.”

He’s clearly not deterred by my rant because he settles back, casually crossing his legs and arms. “Give it to me, Wills. Get it out.”

Irritation boils in my bloodstream, and I surge off the couch and beyond Bex’s reach. “I’m mad, Lucas! He didn’t give me that one last chance to tell him I love him. And if something happens to him, I will be nothing because I’ll never recover.”

“That’s a little dramatic, not to mention pessimistic.” Lucas has the gall to roll his eyes.

Roll his eyes!

The rage inside ratches up a notch. “How dare you patronize me, Lucas? You are supposed to be my best friend.”

“I am, that’s why you need to let this out, Wills. Stood by once before and watched you turn yourself inside out over an asshole who took away your spark.”

“Talon is nothing like Joseph!”

“No, but this isn’t about Talon. It’s about how you shut yourself down. Seems the only way we can get anywhere is to piss you off.”

My brain replays the scene from a few months ago in the clinic. Bex said almost the same thing. I wait for her to interject, but she’s chewing on her lip with a conflicted expression.

“It’s true, Willow. Your defense mechanism is closing off the people who love you.

We know you’re hurting, and none of us knows how to help.

Chase and Sterling feel helpless, and your grandparents are beside themselves.

Rowan, Jewls, and Harley are staying busy, but it hasn’t gone unnoticed how you’ve distanced yourself.

Using studying as an excuse hasn’t convinced anyone. ”

April’s words come crashing back into me.

“… would be pissed knowing you’re wallowing away in his room and not leaning on the people who care about you.”

Apparently, I suck at leaning on people.

My eyes burn and I’m powerless to what’s coming over me. The false bravado I’ve held on to since that morning crumbles and the tears trickle down my cheeks.

“I’m worried, so scared it’s eating at me.

But worse, I’m furious with myself for pushing him away that first month, and at the same time, I’m at war for getting involved in the first place.

He is all I predicted—dark, dangerous, mysterious, edgy.

He’s kind, generous, affectionate, loving.

He’s absolutely everything. He didn’t hesitate to put his life on the line because it’s the kind of man he is.

I knew he’d destroy me. And that’s what this feels like.

There is a hollow hole in my chest that yearns just to hear his voice.

“Want to hear more about my pitiable life choices? Every morning and night, I call his cell and listen to his voicemail. The phone is sitting God knows where, maybe in a locker somewhere with the rest of his personal belongings. But like clockwork, twice a day, it receives my call. And don’t get me started on his room.

I refuse to wash his clothes or the sheets.

It’s my imagination, but the scent of him still remains. ”

“Why don’t you come stay with me tonight? We’ll call and listen to his voicemail together,” Bex offers with her own tears brewing.

“What about Chase and Wyatt?”

“They’ll understand me staying at my apartment for a few days.”

“No, absolutely not. I’m not taking that away from them or you. The last thing I need on my conscience is the shame of splitting y’all up and confusing Wyatt.”

“Maybe we can stay at Chase’s?”

I bark out a sadistic laugh and wave at myself. “I can’t traumatize my nephew. One look and he’ll know something is wrong.”

“Well, let’s go by Rendezvous and have Rowan give us a day of beauty. He’ll never know.”

“Nice way of saying I look like shit, Bex.”

“Not at all, you are always stunning, even in emotional agony. Rowan would love to see us, and it would be good for you.”

“No.”

“Then I’m coming to stay here. I’ll sleep on the couch or in one of the spare rooms. But you’re not spending tonight alone. And the first thing I’m doing is feeding you a fucking real meal,” Lucas snipes.

I stare at him, another of my lingering thoughts rearing up. “You can’t stay here. It’s not my house or my place to invite people.”

“Well, fuck, Willow! What do you suggest? Are you going to force me to load you up and take you to my place? We’re not leaving you here alone another night like this.”

I take a quick step back, shocked at his outburst. Lucas has never raised his voice. It’s then I clearly see the worry and struggle on his face.

More tears fall as I go to him, curling to his side. “You have a one-bedroom bachelor pad.”

“You can have the bed.”

I try not to cringe, imagining what’s happened in that bed. “Um, thanks but not an option. Your bed is… yours.” It’s a lame excuse, but it’s the only thing that comes to mind.

Bex snorts and Lucas vibrates against me. “You two give me no credit. Despite your assumptions, the bachelor pad title stayed at the last apartment.”

My mouth drops and Bex’s eyes pop. “Really?”

“Got that shit out of my system and learned my lesson. When I moved last fall, made a pledge to keep free of that drama. And things can get messy when you bring women back to your place and they don’t want to leave.”

“Says a committed playboy.”

“Hey.” He covers his heart. “That stings. I’m a doctor now.”

Bex falls back, howling. “Can’t believe you are using the doctor card as a cover for being a player.”

Her giggles are contagious and I find myself laughing along with her. “I take it Rina didn’t pan out?”

He pales. “Clinger. Sex was fun, but she started to get a little too comfortable.”

“Oh, God forbid you get comfortable with the man you are sleeping with,” I scoff.

“Your specialty of working with exotic dancers may be your calling.” Bex wipes her eyes.

“Joke all you want.”

They banter back and forth and the air of intensity lifts, taking my mood with it.

I slip away to the kitchen and do a quick inventory. April and Celia stocked the house before they left, likely knowing Rowan and I would neglect shopping. Especially me, because some things never change.

I think about calling Rowan for permission, but I know it would insult her. Instead, I shoot off a group text to all the girls.

Dinner at the club tonight. My treat…

Responses are immediate.

Jewls

I’ll bring the wine.

Harley

I’ll bring the newborn… and my envy for those drinking wine.

Jewls

Pump and dump, one glass won’t hurt you.

Rowan

I’ll pick up dessert on my way home.

No need, I have everything.

Shayla

It’s an Ankles in the Air night.

Rowan

Ummm. Okay. You could have said you weren’t available.

Shayla

Not the position, Hollywood. Ankles in the Air is a shot! What the hell do I do with you? By the way, Alex and Cruz are in… they are reading over my shoulder.

I realize it’s gotten quiet, Bex and Lucas watching me carefully.

“Bex, call my brother and tell him we’re doing dinner over here. Lucas, you may end up on that sofa. Jewls is bringing the wine and Shayla is making Ankles…” I stall, not sure how to explain. “Shayla is making shots.”

They flash me grins.

I thumb the ring around my neck, and my mind automatically goes to Talon.

A warm sensation tingles across my skin, knowing he’d approve.