Page 75 of Wicked Believer (Original Sinner #2)

Chapter Sixty-Two

Charlotte

We’re standing in what’s essentially the backstage room at the CFDA Awards, held in the Beaux-Arts Court inside the Brooklyn Museum, and in less than five minutes Lucifer and I will be going out in front of the roughly five hundred and fifty celebrity attendees.

I’m so full of nerves and unprocessed tension that my hands are practically shaking, but it’s not the massive crowd of sitting dinner guests or even the thought of standing on stage in front of them all that has my anxiety skyrocketing.

Every minute passing on the clock feels like a mounting risk that something horrible will happen to Jax.

If Lucifer hadn’t gotten there just in the nick of time when Mark took me captive, if Azrael hadn’t held on to my soul for a few moments longer out of sheer, devoted loyalty to the love he still holds for his ex, then I . ..

I can’t even bring myself to think it.

My best friend is not going to die tonight.

Not if I have anything to say about it.

I need to find a way to get to her faster.

Waiting until the end of the awards show is definitely not okay with me.

My eyes dart to Lucifer. I understand where he and Azrael are coming from, where they might believe that my suggestion is the most logical, strategic, and fair agreement. They’re trained celestial soldiers. For them, emotions aren’t an important factor in decision-making.

But they are for me.

And I am not going to fail my best friend again.

Not for something as trivial, and honestly as out of touch, as these awards.

As I peek out toward the crowd from where I’m standing backstage, for the first time since debuting at Lucifer’s side, I don’t feel any admiration or kinship with them.

Instead, I feel disgust.

At the spectacle.

At what a monumental waste of money all this is.

There’s no such thing as ethical consumption in a capitalist hellscape, I remind myself. Imani taught me that. She would think that, of course. But even to me, it’s a flimsy excuse.

On the other side of the world, people are dying.

Hell, there are people dying here on these streets every day.

Yet we all conveniently ignore it and continue to prop up the system in the name of what? Capitalism? Corporate greed?

And like so many others, I fell into it headfirst.

Into the glitz and glamour. The seductive draw of the power it brought me. I’d spent so much of my life feeling small and powerless that at first it intoxicated me.

But what’s the purpose of all this wealth if I’m not going to use it to create a better world? If I don’t reach back my hand to help end others’ suffering?

If not for that, then what is the goddamn point?

I nearly open my mouth to ask Lucifer that exact question, but he pulls me to him, and it’s like whatever spell he casts that has me in an almost constant chokehold grips me by the throat again. Maybe Azmodeus is right.

Maybe I don’t truly realize how dangerous Lucifer can be.

And now that I’m starting to, I’m ...

Not certain I like what I see.

“Are you ready, darling?” he asks, that velvet-and-sin voice wrapping around me.

God, I want to lean into him, to melt into his arms like I always do, but something stops me.

A newfound sense of morality, I guess?

It’s hard to justify this glamorous, glittering world he’s made me a part of while I’m worried that my best friend could be out there dying because of me.

Because I didn’t stop to consider that I needed to protect her. Her along with so many others. Team No Apocalypse? I almost scoff.

My mother would be ashamed of me.

I’ve become exactly like her.

A woman trapped by the will of a more powerful man.

The choice Lilith stole from me is about so much more than who my romantic partner is, about who I choose to fuck.

She robbed me of any chance or opportunity I might have had to self-actualize, to become self-reliant, my own person.

All my life I’ve been under the control of powerful men, and her son is no different.

Just as prideful. Just as wicked. Just as ruled by sin and greed.

The only difference is that Lucifer allowed me access to an extraordinary world. A more sinful, seductive side of myself that, at the time, empowered me.

I thought it was a stepping stone, and for a while, it was.

But really, now it’s just the gilded cage I accused him of trying to keep me in.

And I’ll stay forever trapped in that cage until I spend some time on my own, building my own life, making my own choices without his influence.

I’ll never know if he’s the one I’d choose.

If I don’t start changing things.

For once, I need to rely on myself.

Something in my throat tightens.

This whole time it wasn’t Lucifer who was taking my choices away.

It was me.

It’s always been up to me.

Despite how weak our connection’s become, Lucifer must realize the depth of what I’ve discovered, because he steps back slightly, like he senses the space I need, and he doesn’t just respect it, he yields to it.

“I can’t do this, Lucifer. I can’t.”

His eyes narrow as he watches me. “Tell me you mean the awards show.” Though we both know that’s not what I mean.

“No.” I shake my head. “No.” I inhale a deep breath. “Please don’t make me say it.”

Lucifer’s expression turns cold. “Ask me for what you want.”

“I . . .”

Suddenly, I feel my heart in my throat.

This is what he’s been training me for.

To be capable of standing by his side. Making my own decisions.

And now I see the true path before me.

Queen of my own life. Queen of my own goddamn choices.

“I’ve never lived this life for me or asked what I wanted, Lucifer. I can’t go from being my father’s captive to being yours. Not without learning who I am.”

He looks at me curiously. “I thought we’d already been through this when we agreed about Azrael.”

“We have, and I’m not talking about us romantically. What I said about giving both you and Azrael a fair chance still stands, but I ... think I need to figure out who I am underneath all of that, without your”—I gesture toward him—“celestial presence looming over me.”

“Before you willingly submit to being mine?”

I nod, almost shocked that he gets it.

Sometimes he’s far more emotionally intelligent than I give him credit for.

He nods like this all makes sense to him, even though it’s just now starting to make sense to me.

“I understand. When my Father first cast me out, I had to rebuild. My identity, my sense of self, my kingdom. Once Lucifer, the Morning Star, the Lightbringer, leader of my Father’s armies, His most faithful servant, and now—”

“The thief who stole my heart,” I finish for him. “Prince of Darkness. Prince of wicked deeds.”

He smirks at me. “Let me let you in on a sinful little secret.” He leans in, whispering conspiratorially. “I thought I knew all the answers before you dropped into my life, but now I find I’m no longer so confident in what I thought was true.”

I smile. I already knew without him having to tell me. “I can see that. The change in you.” I take his hand in mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Now it’s time for there to be some change in me. Maybe distance will be good for us both?”

He lifts my hand, brushing it with his lips. “Whatever you need, darling. For once, you tell me.”

I grin at that.

“I need some time away from the penthouse. A chance to have my own place. Create a space of my own. Figure out what it is I want to do with my career, and this immortal existence you’ve given me, and then—”

“Then you’ll come back to me?” he whispers hopefully.

“I will,” I say honestly. “I always will. I know that probably sounds obvious considering that we’re fated and all, but I’d like to think that if there’s one thing I’ve learned from you, it’s that I can be the architect of my own fate, the rebel of my own story, even if that makes me into someone else’s villain.

I want to shape my own destiny, make my own choices.

For better or for worse. We’re that much alike.

I’ll never be completely content with the idea of submitting to you, or anyone else for that matter, if I don’t have this chance, this opportunity to make my own decisions, my own mistakes. Be my own person.”

I take both his hands in mine. “Would you give me that? I know I’m already asking a lot of you, and I understand I don’t need your permission anymore, but I guess I’m ... asking for your support in this.”

“Charlotte, my dove, are you asking for me to let you go so that, perhaps for the first time, you can fully be free?”

I nod, incredibly grateful that he seems to understand it, understand me .

He sighs long and low. “I don’t like this.

I don’t fancy this at all, and if it were up to me alone, I would haul you back to our playroom right now and remind you of all the ways I know there are still parts of you that long to be within my control, but I will not make the mistake of holding you captive against your will again.

Will not force you to choose us, choose me, even for my sake, because I love you.

And so help me, I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that you have changed me, for the better this time.

And when you are mine again—because let’s both be honest, you will submit yourself to me, it’s only a matter of time—you will do so of your own free will, and then your submission and the sinful promise of our eternity will be all the more sweet. ”

He leans down as if he means to lay a gentle kiss on my cheek, but before I can stop him, Lucifer hauls me into his arms, kissing me with everything he has, like he’s pouring every bit of emotion he feels for us inside of me, so that when he releases me a few moments later, I’m needy. No longer so confident in my decision.

“Lucifer,” I pant.

“If you think for a second I’m going to make this easy for you, or allow my little shit of an ex, Death, to steal you from me, you’ve both got another think coming,” he whispers against my lips before he steals another quick kiss from me, catching my lower lip between his teeth and gently biting it until I moan as he tugs away.

“Prepare for a seductive onslaught the likes of which you’ve never seen, because I am more stubborn and more strategic than even my Father, and if this competition between Azrael and me is to be a true war to win your heart, well, then best prepare yourself now.

I never lose, and I’m not about to start.

You’ll be mine again before you know it. ”