Page 14 of Where the Dark Knelt (Worshipped by Darkness #1)

She began stroking my back in return, and it felt so good… so unbearably tender… that I almost wanted to disappear into her arms, melt completely. It had been so long since anyone hugged me like this – warm, sincere, loving.

“It’s going to be okay,” I whispered into the curve of her neck, burrowing closer and letting my eyes close fully.

“And you’ll be fine too… you’re so young, everything’s still ahead of you,” she murmured back softly.

“Yes, I’m younger than you by how much? Three years?! Are you kidding me?!” I let out a small chuckle against her skin, and she laughed too, her laugh echoing mine perfectly, like a mirrored ripple in water.

“Well, it’s never too late to fulfill the dreams,” she said, suddenly pulling away. She pouted and frowned, crossing her arms over her chest in mock seriousness.

“I could say the same about you.”

“I don’t have dreams anymore.” Her voice was calm, so calm it scared me. She shook her head lightly, as if stating the simplest truth in the world.

“But you… you’re full of dreams, I’m sure…”

I shook my head slowly, feeling something tighten in my chest until it hurt. From the window, the crickets were singing softly, a summer lullaby for broken hearts. I closed my eyes and exhaled heavily.

“I don’t have dreams left… they all crashed against this harsh reality, Astra… but how long could I keep hoping anyway?”

She was silent for a moment, her gaze searching my face with something close to fear. “What do you mean… hope? What happened… why didn’t your dreams come true? Why did you become so… disbelieving in yourself? You’re still young… really…”

There was so much concern in her voice that it almost broke me.

“It’s not like I didn’t act on the way to my dreams,” I whispered hoarsely.

“Quite the opposite… every time I was so close, they collapsed. It happened with my career… I spent so many years studying, hoping, dreaming of working in that field, and then the company just refused me. I had to keep spinning and spinning however I could… and never, not once, did I have any luck with decent bosses or honest management.”

I clenched my fists in my lap, staring down at the blanket as my chest tightened unbearably.

“And it was the same with my wishes about finding the right partner… I thought I found her. I loved her so much it made me sick… but she didn’t love me back.

I’m sure she was cheating on me that whole year, bit I could not prove it anyhow.

She never even wanted to sleep with me… nothing…

and being a virgin at twenty-one – damn it, it’s so pathetic and sad.

Everyone else has already lived that, moved on, maybe even started babysitting their kids…

but me? I’m still untouched by anyone. No one has ever… ”

My voice broke. My throat burned dry, so I reached for the glass of water on the bedside table and drank deeply. I always kept water there – panic attacks, sleep paralysis, exhaustion… something always woke me up at night.

I continued, my words turning into an angry tirade I didn’t even realise was rising inside me.

“And the same thing happens with all my wishes. You know what’s funny?

All those videos on social media – ‘You’re the chosen one!

Your life will change if you like this video!

’” I scoffed and rolled my eyes, feeling a hot flush of rage crawl up my neck.

“Or those posts that say, ‘Your soulmate is right around the corner! Go to the coffee shop, they’re waiting for you there!’ Like – boo! Bullshit.”

I noticed Astra looking at me with a kind of sad anger in her eyes.

My thoughts flew off the rails again, uncontainable as always.

The emptiness never came no matter how hard I tried to shut them off, and they kept driving me crazy.

This was no longer my work, my life… all that remained was to serve God, hoping it would replace everything I lost.

“I’m sorry… I got carried away…” I exhaled shakily.

Astra shook her head with a small sigh. “Oh, honey… I’m sorry that all this bothers you so deeply.”

“There’s no love…” My voice broke into sobs. Real tears rolled down my cheeks. “There’s no love for me… and I’m trying to accept it because… this is my life now. Here, in the monastery. I’ll never experience true love… I’ll never find my person… never.”

“They’re there,” Astra said softly, stepping closer. “You just don’t notice them around you. Love is everywhere. In you, in the people around you, in the food you eat, in the way you were raised with love here, in the sunlight… even in this red moon lighting up our monastery tonight. Just look.”

She moved to the window and opened it wide. I stood and followed her, leaning on the cold stone windowsill as the night air kissed my burning cheeks. She came up behind me and playfully nudged my hips with hers, booty to booty. A tiny laugh escaped my trembling lips despite the tears.

It felt like I was talking to the older sister I never had… but always dreamed of.

“Forgive me, Astra…” I whispered, my voice raw as I kept my eyes on the shimmering moonlight.

“And I’m sorry, Eveline…” she whispered back, resting her head gently on my shoulder.

We spent the whole night like that – silent, unsleeping, breathing in the cool night air, listening to the crickets sing beneath the bloody moon.

Maybe… maybe we both started dreaming about something again.

Or maybe the dreamer was still alive only inside me, buried deep where I thought I had killed it long ago.

But sometimes, its whispers still slipped through the cracks of my emotional dam – that dam I built so high to protect myself.

I told myself I no longer needed anything in this world… but deep down, more than anything, I still wanted to love and to be loved.

But… it wasn’t meant to be.