Page 63

Wordlessly, he stands up, takes my hand, and pulls me upright. Ryland appears by our side and Steven tells him, “I’m fine. Go home. I’m calling a car.”

“You sure?” Ryland’s gaze skims to my face before returning to his. “Did you tell her?”

Steven shakes his head. “But I will.”

Ryland clasps his hand on Steven’s shoulder and wraps him in a one arm hug. He murmurs something in his ear before stepping back. With a terse nod, he strides away, leaving Steven and me in the darkness of the garden.

A few minutes later, Steven and I are in a black town car. The ride is quiet, a somber atmosphere cloaking us in silence. His hand clutches mine, his fingers gripping me in a firm clasp, as if he’s afraid I’d pull away and bolt out the door.

He keeps his face turned toward the window, but I know he’s not watching the city lights and cars blurring around us.

Steven is an intelligent man, someone who deals with chaos with ease. For him to be rendered into this shell of his former self, I know it isn’t just because his father is in the hospital. It’s something more. Something horrible. Devastating. Something he doesn’t see us recovering from.

A lump lodges in my throat as my pulse riots in my ears.

I’m terrified.

Part of me doesn’t want to know what has rendered the strong, formidable king into the drunken person next to me .

I’m afraid, whatever this is, it’ll end us.

A suffocating weight sits on my chest, a burning behind my eyes, and I feel like I’m already mourning a devastating loss, but I don’t know what it is, or what the cause of death is.

If I get to relive the last day before Mom’s life was cut short by an intoxicated driver, I’d want to bask in her warmth, whisper how much I love her over and over again until she believes it to the marrow in her bones, so she’d fall asleep with a smile on her face.

The same feeling courses through me in this aching silence with our fingers intertwined.

If this is the day before the loss, then every minute, every second of this day would be emblazoned in my mind forever.

Every touch, smell, sound, and sensation would reappear in my mind during my waking hours and flutter across my dreams as I remember and mourn, wishing I could relive this day and say the words that are unsaid, to minimize my regrets.

Anger has receded into a dark corner in my mind now. My mind senses I’m standing at the edge of the cliff, my fingers gripping Steven’s as he hangs on the precipice. But my hand is growing sweaty, my muscles are aching, the fibers tearing, and he’s slowly slipping away.

The last grains of an hourglass.

And so, I’d live as if I’d already lost—a day of no regrets.

Bringing his hand up to my lips, I whisper, “I love you, Steven. I’m not giving up on us.

Whatever you think has happened isn’t as bad as you think it is.

We can overcome this. But I want you to know I love you so, so much.

No matter what happens, I want you to carry my heart with you always.

And when you lie asleep in the middle of the night because a thunderstorm is raging outside, take my heart out and know my love will be with you always. Never forget that.”

His body shakes as he tightens his grip on mine. A choked gasp, but he remains silent.

Minutes later, he’s unlocking the door to his penthouse on the Upper West Side. He hasn’t been to The Orchid as much in the recent weeks. I wonder if he was usually there previously because he was lonely .

He quietly leads me up to the solarium, which is darker than the last time I was here, when we made love as if we were among the stars in the galaxy.

Raindrops patter against the glass as the storm slowly unleashes its power. The world blurs around us as we’re cloaked in our shelter from the elements.

He pulls me to a loveseat and hauls me on top of him.

Steven’s eyes are intense swirls of darkness as they travel over my face, his fingers skimming over my eyelids, my nose, my cheeks, as if memorizing me by touch.

“I don’t know how I could’ve forgotten,” he whispers. “Your eyes…I should’ve known.”

He heaves out a breath as he touches me, as he loves me with his caresses. “If I were him, I’d give my hug to you too. I’d love you. How could I not?”

His words make no sense, but something nags at me, like some truth is just out of my reach.

“I’m a vile man and I don’t deserve you. If I got to do this all again, I’d stay away and let you live your life without me. Unsullied. But I’m selfish.”

“No, don’t say these things, Steven.” I press my finger on his lips.

He kisses the tip, his tongue flicking out and swirling on it, sending a thousand pinpricks of sensations through me.

“My father once told me emotions are liabilities, and don’t fall in love because when a woman leaves you, she’d inevitably take a piece of you with her, and you’d never get it back and you’d be bereft the rest of your life,” he whispers ardently as he cradles my face with his hands.

“If I knew you’d leave this unscathed, I wouldn’t regret a thing.

Because I’d rather feel my heart break knowing I had your love at one time, knowing I was worthy of it.

Even if you took a piece of me with you, I’d be comforted because I knew it’d be in your tender, loving care, that even though the rest of me were broken, bereft, and languishing away,” he swallows, his voice thick, “one tiny piece of me would always be happy. ”

Wetness gathers in his eyes as he chokes on his words, and I swallow, trembling, my eyes clouding over with tears as well.

“I love you, Grace Felicity Peyton. More than you could possibly understand.”

My eyes well with tears as I reach up and press my lips to his.

The raindrops fall harder, a pounding rumble against the glass, and nature rears its ugly head, blurring the windows in a swath of water, cloaking us in this one tender moment of intimacy, of privacy.

He freezes, his body falling still. I press harder, wanting to imprint ourselves onto each other’s souls. My hands trail to his chest and try to unbutton his shirt.

With an anguished grunt, he pushes me away and instead wraps his arms tightly around me, burying his face in my hair.

“I love you,” he gasps, “I just need you in my arms for tonight.” His words are strained and hoarse. Thick with secrets.

He pulls me up and clasps my body to his. I can hear the steady thudding of his heartbeat as he sways in place with me.

“Baby, don’t leave me in my personal version of hell, take me with you, even if it’s not in this world but beyond…” he sings, his voice thick with tears. The heartbreaking lyrics of “You’re My Stars.”

I clutch his back tighter as we dance under the starless night with his heartbeat and husky voice as accompaniment.

We sway and sway and I inhale his unique scent of safety and comfort, even though my heart is heavy and tinged with sadness from the agony leaching out from his voice.

I shush him, sliding my hand over his back in comfort, and he presses another kiss into my hair as he guides me into a shaky rhythm.

Closing my eyes, I relish in the heat of his embrace, the love in his voice, even if everything feels so heavy. I’ll save you, Steven, from whatever is plaguing you.

“Take me with you to the beyond…because you’re the stars in my skies,” he whispers as we stop .

Without another word, he carries me to the bedroom and tucks me under the covers before crawling in next to me and drawing me into his arms, wrapping me in his familiar scent of the ocean and leather, the feeling of love and safety.

Then I feel it, wetness dripping on my forehead.

He trembles but remains quiet. He’s crying silent tears. The man who once said he has no emotions is broken into pieces before me and I’m helpless to stop it.

The tears I’ve been holding in for so long finally slide down my cheeks, wetting my pillow.

As the storm batters the city outside, a hurricane blows through our hearts and after long moments of silent tears and hidden anguish, we fall into a deep sleep.

I knew he left before my eyes flutter open. I can feel the emptiness in the apartment, the stark absence of him. I don’t want to open my eyes, to face whatever reality awaits me because somehow, I know I won’t like what I’ll find there.

But I’m not a coward. I’m not one to shy away from problems. I’m Grace Peyton, the girl from the seediest part of the South Bronx who, despite all odds, graduated with honors and became a consultant for a top investment banking firm.

I’m the person who did everything she could possibly do to keep her family together, to pay off the loan from the loan shark, to pay for her sister’s tuition at ABTC.

I’m the girl who dared to fall in love, despite vowing to myself never to step into Mom’s shoes.

I’m brave and I won’t shy away from this.

If I fall and break my legs, my heart and body battered and bloodied, I’ll still get back up and survive.

I inhale deeply, his scent of the sea and worn leather filling my lungs, and I force my eyes open.

Sunlight streams in from the windows, warm and bright, like the storm last night were figments of our imaginations.

Steven’s side of the bed is empty, as I expected, but on top of his pillow lies an envelope with my name on it.

With shaking hands, I take out a folded sheet of paper and a photo. Setting the photo aside, I read the letter on top first.

My darling Grace,

Perhaps you’re the brave one between the two of us. I don’t know how to break the news to you in person. I don’t know how to watch your world crumble, just like mine did in LA. I hope you can forgive me for telling you the truth on paper instead.

I know who your father is. He’s much closer than I’d ever thought possible.