Page 116 of What She Saw

I rose from the bed and sat on its edge. This was always the awkward part. The part of sex that I didn’t connect with.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yes.” I glanced back, smiling.

Staring at me, he rolled on his back and tucked his hands behind his head. “You look upset.”

“I’m not. That was great.”

“Did you enjoy what just happened?” he asked.

“I did. I find your company pleasant.”

“Pleasant?”

“It was intense. Freeing.” When I’d orgasmed, the tightness building in my skull had eased.

His expression was hard to read. “From you, that’s a ringing endorsement.”

“Take the win.”

He smiled.

I’d never done a good job of explaining myself to anyone. But I could change that with him. “Sara said that Patty would get frustrated with me when I was a baby. Patty told Sara that I wasn’t an easy baby. I didn’t act like the other babies.”

“Not fitting into the crowd isn’t always bad.”

“Most people like humans that conform. Humans are pack animals by nature and are suspicious of the lone wolf.”

I wasn’t sure why I was trying to explain myself. This wasn’t like me, and yet, I felt he needed to understand. “I’ve tracked down several family members of the victims.”

“And?”

“They’re a little like me. They all have a wound. They see and feel their injuries. Even after thirty-one years, they struggle not to cry. When I watch these folks cry, I wonder what it feels like.”

“Does it bother you that you don’t cry?”

“No. It’s a blessing, given my life and what I do.”

“How do you experience the world?”

This was the most I’d ever talked about my lack of feelings. “I’m in a glass jar. I can see the world. I can see sadness and joy. But the glass keeps it all at a distance.”

“Do you ever want to get out of the jar?”

“Maybe. I’m not sure I could write this article if I reacted like everyone else. So, like I said, it’s a blessing.”

He moved beside me. He didn’t speak for a long time. “But it bothers you.”

“It does. And it doesn’t.” But pain and pleasure are connected. Hard to enjoy one without the other. “What we just experienced is as close as I come to feeling something.”

He kissed me on the lips, his hand sliding to my belly. I closed my eyes because I’d learned when I stared back, my pointed gaze creeped out my partners.

“Do you want to feel something again?” he asked.

“I could be convinced.”

He took my hand and pulled me up. “Let’s see if we can break that glass jar.”