Page 20 of What A Rogue Wants (Lords Of Deception #1)

Grey paused. What if something should happen to him, and he and Madelaine were married.

She’d be left alone. Vulnerable to his enemies.

No. He frowned. She’d be surrounded by his family.

They’d protect her. Was it fair to drag her into this life he had chosen?

Was this the cost of being a spy—living with guilt and fear for those you loved or living with loneliness?

He’d just have to get used to constant guilt and fear.

He didn’t think he could let her go to another, unless she didn’t want him.

“If things should work out between the lady and me, I’m Stratmore’s perfect solution. ”

After Grey and Gravenhurst mounted the horses the stable master had readied for them, Gravenhurst led them into the dark night.

He turned in his saddle to look at Grey.

“I don’t think Stratmore will consider you a solution.

In fact, he might consider your interest in Lady Madelaine a problem. I know I would if I had a daughter.”

Grey gripped his reins. He thought he knew what Gravenhurst meant, but he had to know for certain. “What do you mean?”

“I wouldn’t want any daughter of mine marrying a man I knew to be a spy. I wouldn’t want her bound to someone engaged in life-threatening work, who would be forced to lie to her the rest of their lives. Would you?”

He tensed in his saddle, his fingers curling around his reins so tight, the leather of his gloves bit into his skin.

No, he wouldn’t like or want a daughter of his to be married to a man who lied to her.

But it was too late. He wanted Madelaine.

He suspected he was beginning to truly care for her.

And his father had made marriage work, so he could too.

He pushed the unwelcome doubts away and signaled his horse into a gallop.

If they made excellent time, and he completed this latest assignment quickly, he could get back to catch Madelaine before she left his aunt’s apartments.

The only problem he foresaw was coming up with a believable explanation for what had detained him.

But if he ended up married to Madelaine, he would probably have to lie to her many times, so he needed to welcome the challenge, even if the idea of lying to her sat like a ball of lead in the pit of his stomach.

The more Grey’s aunt and sister carried on about how unpardonably rude Grey was, the more Madelaine’s embarrassment grew.

She pressed a gloved hand to her warm cheek.

She had to get out of Helen’s apartments and escape to the privacy of her own bedchamber where she could wallow in self-pity.

She would have inhaled a deep, calming breath, but her stays prohibited it.

The minute she was alone she was going to rip them off and burn them in the fire.

It was too bad she couldn’t get rid of Grey with the same efficiency.

To think she’d dressed with extra care tonight to impress him.

She hated stays. And never wore the dratted things, but she’d wanted to show her figure in the most pleasing light. What a silly fool she was.

Elizabeth touched Madelaine’s arm. “Maybe Grey’s equerry training detained him again. I didn’t see him at dinner.”

“No, it wasn’t that.” Madelaine forced herself to look up and prayed her misery didn’t show on her face.

Helen and Elizabeth exchanged a quick look.

So much for disguising her unhappiness. Her throat and nose burned with the unshed tears of humiliation.

“When the queen switched the dinner seating tonight, I ended up by Lord Pearson. And when I didn’t see Grey at dinner, I inquired whether his equerry training was over.

Lord Pearson said it better be because the last he’d seen Lord Grey and Lord Gravenhurst, they were headed to the Merry Tavern. ”

Her throat felt too thick to continue talking, but she swallowed and stood. “He said nothing else to me, of course. But Lord Thorton, the wretched man, spoke so loudly to Lord Pearson I heard him say the Merry Tavern will indeed make a man merry with its abundance of mead and willing wenches.”

“Oh, dear.” Helen rose and wrapped her arm around Madelaine’s shoulder.

Madelaine’s nose tickled unmercifully. She wouldn’t cry. She refused to be a blithering child. She’d opened her heart to a known rake and he had trod on it. “I wish I didn’t have such excellent hearing. I heard every word.”

“It’s better to know than to be ignorant, dear.

I am sorry.” Helen squeezed Madelaine’s shoulder.

“I’d thought Grey seemed as if he was finally settling down, but I see now I was wrong.

Small comfort this may be, but I guarantee you one day Grey will see you at Court, finely dressed with a brood of children and a handsome husband, and he’ll sorely regret having botched his chance with you. ”

“I don’t know why I’m so upset.” She dabbed at her eyes. “I barely know him, but he made me feel hopeful. I know I’m an oddity, but he seemed to like that.” Gads. She’d not meant to expose herself so.

Helen’s eyes swam with pity. “Dear, oddballs often turn out to be what we refer to in the ton as an Incomparable.”

“I’ll never be an Incomparable. Mother always said I’d be lucky to find a man who would put up with my oddities.”

Helen’s eyes narrowed. “I was an oddball, you know. Too educated and too opinionated by half. And then I became fashionable because of my oddity.”

“That won’t happen for me. Mother warned I’d be my own downfall unless I changed.”

“Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I knew your mother very well from childhood to our time at Court together. She had a good heart, but tolerance for anyone who did not fit into a perfect mold was not her specialty.”

“You didn’t understand her,” Madelaine protested. It was one thing for her to have been irritated with her mother in life, but she was dead. And she’d not stand here and let anyone disparage her mother.

“You’re wrong,” Helen said. “You see, I knew her before she was the perfect model of feminine accomplishments. Once, she loved to write, and I remember her saying that she wanted to be a writer someday.”

“I never knew she loved to write.”

“I daresay you wouldn’t have. Her mother was very strict and whipped your mother many times with a cane to rid her of her foolish notions. By the time we came to Court your mother scoffed at anyone who hadn’t perfected drawing, knitting, the pianoforte et cetera.”

“She wouldn’t have been so cruel!” Yet an inner voice whispered memories of all the times her mother had sneered at Madelaine for the things she enjoyed.

Helen offered a gentle smile. “Don’t get riled, dear.

She didn’t mean to be cruel. But if you beat someone enough, they’ll gladly conform to the expectations of those around them.

And in my experience someone changed from fear often becomes the loudest proponent of what they rebelled against in the first place. ”

“I feel worse now.” Madelaine set down her cup. “I was terribly disobedient and willful. We weren’t close, you know. I imagine she hated who I was.”

Helen shook her head. “ Who you are . And I imagine she was envious that you were strong enough not to be cowed.”

“She never beat me with a cane.” Madelaine didn’t want Helen to think her mother could have been that cruel. Her mother had spanked her with her hand and on occasion a belt, but only when she’d deserved it.

Helen arched a thin eyebrow. “Never with a cane you say?”

“No, never.”

“How fortunate for you. Though I daresay a hand and other things such as a leather strap could cause their own fair amount of pain.”

Madelaine’s pulse beat a furious tempo. She wanted to move away from this topic. “I wonder if Father knows about her past.”

“I doubt it. I only knew because we grew up together.”

It was all so much to take in. The desire to be alone grew stronger until she was fairly itching to flee. “I’d better be going. I received word my father would be here early in the morning, and I’ve not seen him in months.”

“I’ll walk with you,” Elizabeth said.

Madelaine had almost forgotten her friend’s presence because of her unusual quietness.

When she looked at Elizabeth, she blinked in shock.

Her friend’s normally bright eyes appeared dull and tinged yellow.

But worse was Elizabeth’s complexion. A sheen of sweat covered her forehead and left her usually rosy skin looking pasty.

Madelaine grabbed Elizabeth’s arm as her friend swayed. “Are you unwell?”

“I must have eaten something bad. Perhaps the fish?” Elizabeth clutched Madelaine’s hand, and she had to force herself not to recoil at the clammy touch.

Helen swooped toward them and took Elizabeth’s other arm. “You need to get to bed. Louisa!”

Louisa came rushing into the room and bobbed a curtsy. “Milady?”

“Help Madelaine get Elizabeth to her bedchamber. Then hurry back. I’ll send a note to my doctor and one to the queen imploring that Elizabeth be excused from service tomorrow.”

Not long after, Madelaine and Louisa had Elizabeth tucked into her bed. Madelaine sat beside her friend and pressed a cool rag to her head. “Do you want me to stay?”

“No.” Elizabeth shook her head, the damp ringlets clinging to her skin didn’t move. “I’ll be fine in the morning. I’m sure of it.”

Madelaine hesitated a moment. She hated to leave Elizabeth alone but perhaps her friend would rest easier undisturbed. “I’ll check on you in the morning before I go to see my father.”

“Thank you.” Elizabeth’s eyes were closed but a small smile came to her lips.

Madelaine crept toward the door and opened it slowly, not wanting to disturb the slumber that seemed to already be taking hold of Elizabeth.

“Madelaine,” came Elizabeth’s soft voice from within the darkened room.

She rushed back to her friend’s bed and leaned down. “What is it? Do you need something?”

Elizabeth’s eyes slowly opened as if the task was a difficult one. “Talk to Grey.”