Page 22

“I know.”

“But I always kinda want to punch you,” Sean said and took his wrist between his forefinger and thumb.

Jack nodded. “I know, you said that the first time I told you all this.”

Sean raised both eyebrows.

“Yeah,” Jack nodded again, slid his hand up so he could slide his fingers between Sean’s. “I know this sucks for you, I know whatever sucks for me is not even like, comparable. But I gotta say, havin’ to do all this talking again? Well, it sucked the first time. And now it’s like, I gotta admit all the ways I was an asshole for another go round.”

He sighed and looked so despondent, Sean had to laugh at him.

“What?” Jack met his eyes, a smile tugging at his lips. “I love it when you laugh,” he said before Sean could answer and reached up to brush his thumb near the corner of Sean’s lip. “You didn’t laugh around me after that first night for years. And I’d hear you laughing with Ben and just like, loved hearin’ it.”

Sean dropped his head against Jack’s chest and Jack’s arms came around him to hold him close.

“What are we?” he asked against the fabric of Jack’s shirt. Jack breathed and Sean moved up and down with the movement of his chest. He traced his fingers under the hem of Jack’s shirt, ran his fingers along the top of his waistband.

“I dunno anymore,” Jack said and sounded about as honest as he ever had.

“What were we?” he tried instead, his palms coming to rest on Jack’s hips, fingers digging under his pants and pressing against the firm swell of his glutes.

Jack pressed his face to the top of Sean’s head and breathed, lips pressing against his hair in a firm kiss. “Do you love me?” he asked in a low voice.

Sean pulled back and Jack dropped his arms instantly.

“That’s not fair,” Sean said because it wasn’t. Jack knew what they were, knew all this stuff Sean didn’t. Knew as well, apparently, that Sean had never been joking; he’d been made a fool of once, then got injured to boot. And now all this.

“I know, I’m sorry,” Jack said.

“Do you love me?” Sean countered, eyes searching Jack’s, daring him.

Jack rubbed the back of his neck, eyes down. Answer enough.

Sean stepped back. He felt like a fool. Again.

“No, wait,” Jack reached for him and Sean sprung away, surprising himself. He felt hot again, a rush of humiliation flooding him. Because he’d always loved Jack and while he’d somehow managed to start tapping that in the last two years, Jack still didn’t love him back.

“I’m fucking this up,” Jack said and straightened. “It’s not easy ‘cos like, you hate me again—”

“I don’t fuckin’ hate you, I never fuckin’ hated you,” Sean snapped and moved back into the living room.

Jack laughed, a bitter sound. “Yeah, yeah you did. And you should’ve.”

“No, I didn’t, not like properly,” Sean admitted and wondered how he’d ended up being the one explaining himself. But living with Jack had given him a close up of the boy he’d had a crush on, the man he’d dedicated himself to despising, and he knew what his hatred was—it was resentment, it was the tangled web of shame he’d felt at knowing he was right to like Jack in the first place, and then get burned so badly by him. It was himself he hated, for loving him in the first place. But now he’d been hoping maybe they were something. Except what had Jack said?

“You said we were never lovers,” Sean said.

“We weren’t,” Jack said quickly, too quickly. He was holding his elbows with both hands, squeezing, eyes fixed on a point past Sean’s head.

“So, best mates who fuck,” Sean said angrily, “and share fucked-up pillow talk. Yeah, okay.”

“I’m really fucking this up,” Jack said under his breath.

“Again,” Sean retorted.

Jack nodded. “Again.”

Sean sank down on the couch, rested his head back and willed away his humiliation. He was cracked open and there for Jack to shit all over. Again. Fuck, why was he so stupid for this idiot?

“Look,” Jack said, voice rumbling yet tremulous. “When you get your memories back—”

Sean cut him off with a bitter laugh. “It’s not coming back, man. I know that, the docs know that, the team knows that. The only one who doesn’t know that is you.”

Jack didn’t say anything. Sean looked over at him. He looked devastated. It shook something up in Sean.

“I’m still here,” he said as gently as he could then hated himself anew. Why was he consoling him?

“I know,” Jack said, voice cracking. “And I’m so fuckin’ glad, but…”

“But what?” Sean asked, closed off again.

“But I can’t explain what you know,” Jack said after a moment.

And that was cryptic as fuck.

“Can’t you?” Sean asked. “I just don’t get why you’re bein’ so cagey. Like, I worked it out with the fucking, you wanna not talk about it, I get that. But why can’t you tell me this other stuff?”

“Because,” Jack said and took a deep breath, rushed his reply on the exhale. “Because if you don’t believe me…”

“Don’t believe what?” Sean sat up and threw his hands up in the same movement.

Jack rubbed his face. “We shouldn’t do this now, we should be sober.”

Sean snorted. “Like you’re gonna say anything when you’re sober.”

Jack didn’t reply, which confirmed it.

Lola jumped up on the couch next to him and Sean tugged her in.

“I’m goin’ to bed,” Jack declared, obnoxiously loud as if he were pretending to be drunker than he was.

“Of course you are,” Sean muttered.

Jack hesitated. Sean didn’t say anything—what was there left to say? If Jack wouldn’t tell him what’d happened between them, Sean couldn’t force him. He’d tried and it had gotten him nowhere. An uncomfortable silence fell over them and Sean focused on patting Lola.

“I’ll see you in there?” Jack asked quietly.

Sean shook his head, bewildered, but of course he’d go.

“Yeah,” he said on an exhale.

“Okay.”

Jack’s socked feet padded down the hall and Sean pressed his face into Lola’s fur. “I wish you could talk,” he said to her, “you know everythin’, don’t ya girl?”

She wriggled her head out and licked his face. He huffed a laugh and cuddled her. She might be Jack’s dog, but she was totally on Sean’s side.

The room was dark when Sean crept in, but he could make out Jack’s bulk under the covers, his back to the door. He was breathing quietly. Sean slipped under the blanket, wondered for a moment what he was doing. Well, he knew what he was doing—this was as good an invitation to fuck as he’d ever get, but was that what he wanted? Physically, he wanted it. But with everything so fraught, he wondered if he should want this.

He shuffled close, not touching, just watching the rise and fall of Jack’s shoulders peeking above the covers, the warmth of his body palpable in the gap. He was about to reach out, place his hand on Jack’s back when Jack rolled over, mirrored Sean’s position on his side. His eyes were shiny, catching the streetlight, intent on Sean’s. His breath ghosted over Sean’s face, the smell minty.

Sean reached up, his hand unsteady as he traced his thumb under Jack’s eye, over the bridge of his nose. Jack closed his eyes and exhaled shakily.

Talk to me , Sean wanted to implore him. Please fucking talk to me .

He scooted closer, hooked his leg over Jack’s hip and tugged him in. He slid his hand down to cup his jaw, the stubble scratchy against his palm. He remembered Jack as a super clean-cut guy, a shave every day type. But since he’d been living with him, he’d noticed Jack go days without, the blonde hair looking sharp and white in the sunlight. He’d look good with a beard, like a scruffy surfer.

Jack opened his eyes again and Sean didn’t need to know what he was thinking now. He leaned in and brushed his lips against Jack’s. Jack made a little sound, his cheek heating against Sean’s palm. Sean did it again, teasing him, and he could feel how much Jack wanted more in the way he panted against Sean’s lips, in the growing erection pressing against Sean’s thigh. And he was surprised and thrilled all over again at how Jack wouldn’t just take what he wanted, how he’d lay himself bare, waiting, trusting Sean to give him what he needed.

Sean pressed in, connected their mouths for longer, slid his hand down to run his fingers along Jack’s clavicle, over his shoulder. He rubbed his thigh up and down Jack’s dick. Jack gasped and Sean slipped his tongue into his mouth.

He slid his hand down, rested it over Jack’s pec, felt his heart pounding against his palm. Circling Jack’s nipple with his thumb, he came up onto his elbow, nudging Jack over to lay on his back. He straddled him, their dicks lining up as he deepened the kiss and ground his pelvis down. Jack’s arms came around his back, holding him in place.

Sean pulled back, huffed a little laugh as he dragged his nose against Jack’s, teased him with a light press of lips before pulling back when Jack chased him for more. He did it again, his hips working slowly, hand still splayed over Jack’s chest, thumb teasing his nipple before he leant down and sucked it into his mouth, laved over it with his tongue.

Jack made a broken sound in his throat before swallowing like he didn’t mean to.

“Nah,” Sean moved up to whisper against his lips, “wanna hear that.”

Jack tightened his arms, buried his face between Sean’s shoulder and throat, his lips moving against Sean’s skin as he spoke. “Please fuck me.”

And that sent heat through Sean’s gut, made his dick pulse. He slid his hand under Jack’s boxers and took him in a loose hold. Jack had a great dick, thick and long, uncut; Sean understood why chicks were always trying to pick him up. It didn’t take much of a leap of the imagination to picture a gorgeous dick like this on a body like Jack’s. Pity it was redundant for fucking. Not that Sean was complaining. He stroked up once, down once, a tease. He might not want that monster inside him, but he certainly loved stroking it until it was painfully hard. He’d love to suck Jack off until he was begging, to wrap his palm around him just before he was about to come and force Jack over the edge with him when he fucked him.

Jack spread his legs wider, his dick flexing in Sean’s hand, breath hot on Sean’s throat. Sean brought his head down and forced Jack’s face up with a nudge of his nose against Jack’s cheek.

He kissed him, and Jack met him, open mouthed and breathless. He was shaking, already so keyed up. Every time, he was like this. Sean had thought maybe it was cruel to draw it out, to tease him, but then he realised Jack liked it, liked to be on the edge of too much, trusted Sean not to push him past that point.

Sean was figuring it out, but right now he wanted to fuck him too bad to draw it out. He needed to bury himself inside Jack as if what he couldn’t figure out with words could be figured out if he just fucked him enough.

He released him and went for the lube. Jack made a punched-out sound as if he thought Sean was leaving him.

“Just gettin’,” he said and came back, held the tube over Jack’s face and wiggled it in the air.

Jack ran his hands up and down Sean’s back roughly, over his t-shirt, holding him there. Sean snorted a laugh and kissed him again. I’m not goin’ anywhere , he said with the kiss. Jack’s tongue tangled with his, a filthier and deeper kiss than the reassuring one Sean was going for, but it felt like Jack was trying to talk to him too. Like he was saying, please don’t go anywhere .

Sean broke the kiss and rested his forehead against Jack’s, caught his breath.

“I swear, I ain’t goin’ anywhere,” he said gruffly. He felt stupid for it—Jack was just horny and the dick he thought he was about to get up his ass looked like it was getting out of bed.

“Never?” Jack whispered.

Sean cleared his throat, dragged his face down the column of Jack’s neck and pressed his reply into his skin with light kisses. Jack’s arms tightened.

He got Jack naked, and yanked off his own shirt and pants. He rolled him onto his stomach, propped his hips up, teased his balls with his hand, rubbing the pad of his thumb against his taint, circled his hole, watched Jack shake. He replaced his hand with his mouth, tongue moving gently over the thin skin.

Jack was vibrating by the time Sean decided to finger the lube into him, no more teasing, just perfunctory prep before nudging him onto his back. He pushed his thigh against his chest, stroked his own cock with some lube before lining up.

He flicked his eyes up and found Jack watching him. His chest was heaving, hands white knuckled at his sides, crunching the sheets. Jack exhaled in a rush as Sean breached him. He forced himself all the way in and dropped his body onto Jack’s so they were chest to chest. He found Jack’s mouth and kissed him as he pulled out an inch, thrust back in. Jack was tight, wet, a perfect pressure and warmth encasing Sean’s cock.

Jack arched under him, but didn’t stop kissing him back, the punched-out sounds going straight into Sean’s mouth. His dick was thick between them, rubbing up against Sean’s abs. Sean marvelled at how he never flagged, how he seemed to get harder the longer he was fucked and not touched.

“Gonna come on my dick?” Sean asked, his lips caressing Jack’s earlobe, biting down gently. “Or ya need a hand?”

Jack gasped and gripped Sean’s ass cheeks, his big palms kneading him, trying to get him deeper.

“I reckon you’re gonna come on my dick,” Sean rushed out as he sped up.

Jack groaned, his fingers digging indents into Sean’s skin.

Sean pushed up onto his hands, hips still moving but slowing down. He waited. Jack opened his eyes and looked up at him; his lips were parted around those punched-out breaths, his eyes shining like he was shy. It disarmed Sean for a moment, his pace slowing further.

He wasn’t sure what he was doing, other than knowing he was waiting for something.

Jack closed his eyes and dug his fingers into Sean’s ass—not forcing him to do anything, more like he really fucking wanted to force him to go faster but wouldn’t.

Sean dragged himself out, agonisingly slow, pushed back in at the same pace. Fuck but it was exquisite; Jack clenched down on him and Sean dropped his head between his shoulders with a gasp. He did it again, extra slow, his arms tensing to hold his position, sweat breaking out on his forehead, chest and back.

Jack opened his eyes again, licked his lips. Sean dipped down to kiss him lightly but didn’t go any faster. It felt like a game and he was still trying to figure out the rules.

When Sean pushed back in, he changed direction, a hair’s breadth, and Jack gasped and threw his head back. Sean pulled back.

“No, no, no,” Jack begged.

Sean thrust back in and hit that spot again.

Jack arched, his broad chest lifting off the bed as his nails dug into Sean’s ass.

Sean snapped and fucked in hard, nailing him there over and over. A slipperiness seeped between them, Jack’s dick coming in slow ropes of come. Sean sucked in a breath; he’d only ever seen that in porn.

He looked back up at Jack’s face. His eyes were scrunched up, expression twisted in pain or pleasure, Sean didn’t know.

“Does it hurt?” Sean panted and started to slow down.

Jack dug his nails in. “Feels so good,” he bit out.

“Oh, fuck,” Sean said and ramped up the pace.

“Don’t,” Jack said on a punched-out breath.

Sean slowed.

“Stop,” Jack’s eyes popped open, wild.

“Don’t stop?” Sean kept going.

Jack nodded frantically and Sean leaned down to kiss him, muffling Jack’s answering moan between them.

Jack’s ass squeezed him like a vice when he started to come for real, and Sean broke the kiss, swore, and felt his balls draw up. He shoved in and came with a rush of pleasure from his toes to his scalp.

He collapsed onto Jack’s chest, pumping into him with rolls of his hips as he came down, a shivery feeling washing over his skin. Jack’s chest heaved and Sean moved up and down with it, kissed the salty skin between Jack’s pecs as he caught his breath.

When he was with it enough, he propped himself up, dick softening inside Jack.

“Has that happened before?” he asked.

Jack tilted his head down, sleepy eyes on Sean’s as he smiled. He relaxed his hands on his ass but kept them there.

“Yeah,” he rumbled.

“Just with me?” he suddenly needed to know, even if it came off desperate.

“Yeah, course,” Jack said easily though, his fingers trailing up and down Sean’s glutes.

“Hmm,” Sean pressed his face into Jack’s chest, kissed him before pushing up and pulling out.

Jack rolled with him as Sean slid onto his back, shuffled to the edge of the bed for his shirt or pants to clean them off. Jack hauled him back in.

“Don’t go,” Jack said against his nape.

“‘M not, just gettin’ somethin’ for all that come,” Sean said and shuffled forward again, “you’re like a fuckin’ fountain.”

Jack released him and flopped onto his back with a sigh.

Sean cleaned him up, looked at his arm over his eyes.

“It was fuckin’ hot,” he said.

Jack lifted his arm, looked down. “Yeah?”

Sean shoved him and then yanked him back in. Jack curled around him.

“Yeah,” Sean breathed out. He tangled their legs together, wrapped his arms around Jack’s torso and kissed the top of his head. “Fuck yeah.”

Jack squeezed him, fingers digging into his spine. “Your leg alright?”

“Didn’t even notice it,” Sean said honestly, his eyes slipping shut.

“Tell Jorge you don’t need him anymore then,” Jack mumbled against Sean’s armpit.

Sean laughed, sleepy. “Tell him your ass is the new physio.”

He felt Jack’s laughter against his skin. “It’s not a team thing.”

Sean cracked up. “It better fuckin’ not be.”

Jack tightened his arms. “That’s like…”

Sean waited, but Jack wasn’t going on.

“It’s not,” Jack finally said, his lips pressing into Sean’s skin.

“Good,” Sean replied, absently. He felt like there was something else there, but he was too tired and blissed out to push.

He pressed another kiss to Jack’s head, rested back on the pillow and drifted.