Page 17

“I can help,” Hannah said. “Oh, shit—the mattress. You’re always saying to check the—”

“Hannah.” Emmy caught her wrists. “Let me do this, okay?”

Hannah’s eyes flooded with tears again, but she nodded, backing up to stand in the doorway.

She watched as Emmy put on a fresh pair of gloves, lifted the mattress and found nothing.

Hannah started wringing her hands when Emmy checked the drawers top and bottom, ran her hand along the closet shelf, moved around the shoes, rummaged through pockets and checked clothes.

There was no attic access in the closet. No lockbox. No Ziploc bags. No secret stash.

Hannah asked, “What did she say to you the second time?”

Emmy looked up from searching Madison’s backpack. “What?”

“Louis Singh told me that he saw you with Madison in front of the bleachers.”

Emmy slowly let the backpack drop to the bed. Her face felt like it was on fire. “We didn’t talk.”

Hannah looked puzzled. “But Louis told me you said something to her, and Madison followed you behind the bleachers.”

Emmy’s hand went to her stomach. She hadn’t known that Madison had followed her.

“Em?” Hannah’s head tilted to the side in confusion. “What aren’t you telling me?”

“I’m not—” Emmy took a quick breath. “I didn’t know she followed me. I went to the bathroom.”

“But what did she say?”

“She didn’t—” Emmy kept her lips parted, but couldn’t catch her breath. “We didn’t talk.”

“But Louis said you spoke to her.” Hannah’s hands went to her hips. Emmy had joked that this was her teacher stance, the one she used when a kid was bullshitting her at school. “Are you saying Louis was lying?”

“No, I—” Emmy forced air into her lungs. “Hannah, I didn’t …”

Hannah waited, but when Emmy couldn’t find the words, she asked, “You didn’t what?”

She lost her nerve. “Ruth Baker told Dad that she talked to you about Madison. She thought that she was a bad influence on Cheyenne.”

Hannah’s laugh was so loud that it sounded like a bark. “Are you kidding me? That bitch made one passing comment in the hall about how maybe Madison was the problem. I told you about it when it happened. It was parents’ night right before Christmas break. Don’t you remember?”

Emmy remembered now.

“Why?” Hannah asked. “Is Ruth trying to blame Madison for this? What could it possibly matter?”

“Hannah—” Emmy pressed her fingers to her eyelids. She couldn’t keep putting this off. It was too cruel. She made herself look Hannah in the eye. “Madison was waiting for me when I came up the hill. I knew that she wanted to talk, but I told her not now.”

Hannah’s brow furrowed. “What?”

“I was—I went to the bathroom. I didn’t know she’d followed me around the side of the bleachers. I needed a moment to-to collect myself.”

“Collect yourself from what?” Something flashed in Hannah’s eyes. She huffed out air between her lips. “Jonah.”

“He was—” Emmy couldn’t even remember what the argument had been about. “We had a fight in front of everybody. I just needed a minute.”

“You needed a minute.”

“Han, you know how it is.” Emmy tried to make light of something that wasn’t light at all. “We complain about our husbands all the time.”

“I complain about Paul’s shoes not matching his belt. You complain about Jonah being so stoned that he forgot to pick up Cole from school.” Hannah’s tone had turned frigid. “It’s not the same thing.”

Words temporarily eluded Emmy. In the silence, she felt the shallow rise and fall of her chest. She had never seen Hannah like this before. There was an aura around her, a shimmering kind of anguish and rage.

Emmy said, “I looked for Madison when I came out. After the fireworks were over, I looked for her. You saw me with Brett. I asked him and Vanna if they’d seen her because I—”

“Because you ignored Madison so you could hide in the toilet and cry over Jonah Fucking Lang.”

“That’s not—”

“Not what? Accurate? That’s not the exact same thing you’ve been doing since that worthless jackass sat down at our lunch table in middle school?

” Hannah didn’t wait for a response. She took an aggressive step forward.

“Do you know why you don’t remember Ruth Baker telling me that Madison might be the problem? ”

Emmy felt the spit leave her mouth. “I—”

“Because the next day, Jonah charged 800 dollars on your credit card for a new amp for his guitar, and you went insane. You slept here on our couch. Do you remember that? We sat at the kitchen table right down that hall talking about how you were going to leave him. Making plans. Drawing up a budget. Compiling a list of things to take to your mother’s house. Did you leave him?”

Emmy forced herself not to look away. “No.”

“No, you didn’t leave him. And you could have. You make the money. You own the house. You own the car. You’d get full custody of Cole. All you’d have to do is lay down your Clifton Card at the courthouse and they’d give you whatever you want.”

“Hannah—”

“And if you had left him, your head wouldn’t have been up your ass today when Madison needed you.”

“That’s not—”

“You didn’t talk to Madison because you were upset with Jonah. That’s exactly what you just said. Tell me I’m wrong.”

Emmy took a stuttered breath. “P-please, I—”

“You what?” Hannah demanded. “Jesus fucking Christ, Em! How many times has Jonah disappointed you? How many times has he pissed you off? Argued with you? Fought out in the open with you? Humiliated you? Lied to you? Fucked with you? Totaled your car. Cheated on you when you were pregnant. Abandoned you when you went into labor with Cole. Even pushed you down the stairs! And the one time—the one time —my girl looks for you, needs to talk to you, when she actually stands at the top of the hill waiting for you, then follows you around the bleachers like a lost puppy, you’re too wrapped up in Jonah’s bullshit to stop and listen? ”

“I-I-I’m sorry, I—”

“No!” Hannah yelled. “You’re not sorry! People who are sorry don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over again, especially with the person who’s supposed to be their best friend.”

Emmy couldn’t think what to say. She felt like her brain had filled with stinging hornets. This was horrible. They would never come back from this if she didn’t find a way to stop it. She should get on her knees. She should beg for forgiveness. Hannah was right. Everything she was saying was right.

“Look at you! You can’t even defend yourself!

You know exactly what you did. You chose him—you chose that malignant, narcissistic asshole over a precious, struggling young girl.

” Hannah threw up her arms, almost incandescent with rage.

“She’s not just precious to me, Em. You watched her grow up, too.

You love her almost as much as I do. And now she’s gone.

We both know that’s true. Some hateful monster stole her away from us, and he’s probably raping her, or killing her, and you couldn’t take three seconds to stop that from happening because all you cared about was that useless piece of shit who will never love you the way you love him! ”

Hannah’s voice was so loud that it echoed through the house. She looked staggered by her own words, but she was still not backing down.

She demanded, “Tell me I’m wrong.”

“I-I—” Emmy took another stuttered breath. “You’re right. I know I should—”

“Leave him?” Hannah huffed out air between her lips again, this time in disgust. “Fuck no, we’re not doing this again.

You’re not gonna leave him. We’ve been here so many times I’ve lost count.

It’s been nearly twenty years of ‘This time I’m gonna leave him.

No, this time. No, this time I really mean it, Han.

I promise I mean it, Han.’ It’s all bullshit! Bullshit!”

Emmy’s hands flew up to block herself as Hannah grabbed her by the shoulders, then forced her to turn around.

“Get out of my house.” Hannah pushed her into the hall. “I want you out of here. Don’t call me. Don’t email me. Don’t text me. Don’t try to talk to me. Don’t even send me a goddam letter.”

“Hannah, please—”

“You don’t love Jonah. You’re addicted to his brokenness.

You can’t fix your fucked up family, so you try to fix him.

” Hannah’s hands were back on her hips. “Paul and I laugh about it, you know? How you’re this badass strong bitch who carries a gun and puts criminals away, but then you go home and roll over for whatever bullshit Jonah wants. ”

“Hannah, please.”

“No.” Hannah grabbed her shoulders again, forced her up the hall. “This is it for me, Emmy. I’m getting off this bus. If you see me in the street, go to the other side. If you see me in the store, turn around and go home.”

Emmy stumbled as Hannah gave her a hard push into the living room.

She caught herself before her face hit the wall.

Dozens of framed photographs looked back at her.

Madison when she was eight and still occasionally crawled into Hannah’s lap.

Paul and Madison at her middle school graduation.

Madison on her bike. Madison rolling her eyes and smiling and laughing and living, and she might still be all of those things if only Emmy had stopped to listen to her.

Hannah swung open the front door. “Get out.”

Emmy wiped away tears she hadn’t known were falling. “Hannah, please.”

“You always chose Jonah.” The anger had left Hannah’s voice.

She was talking as if it was already over.

“Even back in high school, I would ask you to go to the movies or hang out at the mall or listen to me whine about my mom, and all Jonah had to do was snap his fingers, and you’d be gone. You always chose him over me. Always.”

“That’s not—” Emmy caught herself, because she couldn’t say it wasn’t true.

“If I could get back all the hours I spent listening to you obsess over that prick. All the excuses you made. All the lies you told yourself. Jesus fucking Christ.”

“You’re right,” Emmy said. “You’re right about all of it—about Jonah, about Madison. I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry. Tell me how to fix this.”

“How can it be fixed?”

Emmy was stopped short by the question.

“Even if Madison is alive, even if by some miracle she’s brought home to me and Paul, what is her life going to be like? How the hell is she ever going to recover from it? And how on earth can you be in my life if all you do is remind me of losing the most precious thing I’ve ever had?”

Emmy shook her head. It was too much. It was all too much.

“Paul will never forgive you for this,” Hannah said. “I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to forgive you, either.”

“Please,” Emmy said. “You’re my best friend in the entire world. I don’t even know how to live my life without you.”

“Figure it out,” Hannah said. “You chose your husband. Now I’m choosing mine.”