Page 61 of Vow of the Undead (The Bloodrune Saga #1)

Of course he wanted to unmake the mistakes he’d turned into monsters. Of course he wanted a soul. It only meant he still honored the Gods, and that he still longed to spend the afterlife in Odin’s palace, preparing for Ragnarok with the other warriors.

I couldn’t blame him for craving the same ending to this life that I did.

My pulse grew more erratic. It wasn’t until the swimming tears in my eyes spilled over my cheeks that the cycling thoughts silenced.

Without a word, Kayn sank to the bed and pulled me into him, his arms encompassing me. I let my whole self collapse into him. He steadied me against his chest and placed one hand on the back of my head as if consoling me.

“I cannot imagine,” I said between breaths. With the hand cupping my head, he slowly brushed it down over my braid. “I cannot imagine living with this guilt and shame for so long.”

“Vampires are not alive. You have done nothing wrong, Silver.”

“I’m not Silver.” He stopped caressing my hair and sucked in a breath. I twisted to look up at him, gathering every bit of courage within me. “My name is Lux.” Keeping the flat line of his mouth steady, he merely listened.

“You feel guilty for lying about your identity?”

I shook my head and pulled away from him, wiping at my cheeks like the child I was twenty years ago. “For sentencing my sister to death.” His dark eyes flashed, but he stayed silent, even reaching out to brush a tear away from my cheek. “You didn’t have a choice in becoming a monster. But I did.”

The rage melted away and cool relief washed through me. The truth was a balm to my soul. A truth so long buried and even more precious to me than the lost history.

I opened my mouth, but a sob caught in my throat. I huddled into his soothing touch. A touch that wasn’t a trade. He’d answered my question and had demanded nothing from me. He didn’t even expect me to explain how I’d damned Silver to certain death.

But speaking of her felt so good. Addictive even, to someone who didn’t immediately tell me to shut up and never mention her again. And unlike the king, Kayn wouldn’t demand more of me right now.

So before the dwelling returned, I opened my mouth to release the persistent and aggressive thoughts that repeated in my mind.

“She was my twin,” I said. “My sister, and I allowed her to be taken by the executioners.” He tightened his arms around me as if to affirm that he did not cast me out for this confession.

“When villagers discovered I exhibited signs of commanding witchcraft, they sent for the executioners to come for me.”

I shivered at the memory of our door slamming open, their thundering footsteps, the sharp shing! of their blades, my mother’s screaming and begging.

My voice became smaller and smaller as I spoke.

“I was so afraid. Silver was braver than me while I ran away. There was a hatch on the floor under our bed that led to a crawl space. I hid and listened to them grab her and drag her away. They called her Lux and I didn’t stop them.

I didn’t correct them, and I didn’t tell them the truth. ”

Thick tears rolled down my face one-by-one.

“It’s my fault she has been missing for twenty years.

My father erased her and forbade me to speak her name.

Even my mother started calling me Silver and I became so wholly her that I…

I forgot about her. I almost forgot my real name.

Everyone else believed her dead, but I refused—” A sob choked me, and I allowed the emotion to overcome me.

Forgetting Silver hurt my mother, but it broke me.

And then, ten years later, when the Grimward took my mother too, my mind simply cracked.

Even at sixteen when I could have fought for people to call me by my own name, I had to continue to be Silver because it was the last name my mother had ever called me .

“You were only a child. Survival is an instinct.” His gentle voice was as much a blanket as his arms around me.

“I’m a killer as an adult too. When my shadows caught up with me only a few months ago, I killed them. Or I thought I did, until I realized they were vampires.” I cleared my throat. “But the point remains, I gave in to the darkness within me and sentenced more people to death.”

“For survival.”

I sat up and faced him. “It’s selfish. What is the survival of a single sick and disturbed woman? I’m not worth it. I’ve never been worth it.”

He brushed an escaped tendril of hair from my face and then let his hand brush over my cheek, catching a tear as it slipped down my face. “I’m grateful for your survival.”

“Soul or not, you still need me to kill the vampires.”

“And I’ve also grown to care for you.”

“What if I can’t do this? Be the huntress? I don’t want to give in to the darkness and kill again. I can’t, and that’s all you want from me.”

He took my hand, and then flicked his gaze to my face. “Lux, no matter what you choose to do, I will care for you.” The truth softened his dark gaze as he gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

Though this wasn’t a trade of kisses for honesty, I wanted nothing more than to taste his mouth. We both bared our truths about the mistakes our weaker selves had given in to as another weaker part of me wanted to give myself to him. To share a deeper truth beyond where words could reach.

Never had anyone listened with such attention, much less spared me their judgment.

I searched his eyes to be sure. There was nothing but softness in his gaze as it ticked down to my mouth.

The softness grew harder as he brushed his fingers under my chin, beckoning me into him.

I unfolded my legs and propped them on either side of him, slowly climbing into his lap to straddle his legs while keeping my eyes on him.

His hands snaked around to my back as he gently pushed me closer and tipped his lips to mine.

All at once, he consumed me, first my mouth then all of me as his hands slid down to my lower back and his lips parted to invite my tongue inside.

He only pulled back to carefully bite at my bottom lip and then trail hot kisses along my jaw and down the sensitive curve of my neck.

His blunt fangs, having protruded, were hard against my skin.

I arched into him, slowly rocking my hips forward and then backward to feel the hard length in his pants against me too.

When he released a groan, my pulse quickened and I repeated the motion to elicit another response from him. It wasn’t until his hands slipped beneath my skirts that I recognized the sound of myself moaning as I pressed my core against his solid length.

His palm ran over my bare thigh and then over my waist until it was stopped by the tight corset laced around my torso. Desire pricked the tips of my breasts until they were unbearably sensitive against the tight fabric. I made quick work of unlacing the ribbon that kept it caged to my ribs.

“Lux,” he breathed. I paused to look up at him. “Are you sure you want this? You’ve been through a lot. I will not take advantage of that.”

His words warmed me from the inside out.

Even in the dim room with nothing but silence and the icy air, I didn’t shiver, didn’t shy away from the desire to unlace the ribbons at the back of my dress so that I might feel his hand on my stomach.

My breathing slowed and suddenly the tight ribbons didn’t feel so restrictive without my chest heaving.

But the truth of what I’d done with the king on his throne cracked through the pleasure, twisting my gut. I suddenly had to put distance between us before the shame pricked my skin. I quickly unfolded my legs and slipped off of the bed.

Standing, I faced him with tears stinging my eyes. “We shouldn’t do this. I just gave King Drakkar parts of me.”

Kayn only tilted his head, listening intently. No judgment or anger flared in his eyes. They remained a rich brown not flashing with the crimson of vampire fury.

“I traded touching and kissing and…” I swallowed. “More. But I wanted it too. He was supposed to be my husband and, I don’t know, I just wanted pleasure to help me forget everything.”

And I’d wanted him. But I never should have. The darkness in me needed to stay locked away, not broken open to find solace in his darkness.

He stood and reached for my hand, brushing his thumb once over the back of it. “You owe me no explanation.”

“I feel like I should tell you that I’m sorry.”

He caught a tendril of loose hair that’d escaped my braids and tucked it back. “There is no need.”

“Tomorrow I’m going to walk into this wedding and try to destroy the king. And then I intend to run to find a weapon.”

“I will bring you one.”

I nodded. “But all of the council will be there. The courtiers too. I don’t know if I’ll survive. I have to do this, at least try to do this, for my sister.”

“Let’s leave, tonight.”

“Not without Silver. If I don’t show up to the wedding, King Drakkar will kill her. He’s threatened to end both our lives by first light if I’m not there.”

“Then you have to go to the wedding,” he said, understanding what I needed.

I nodded. “I have to go.” I met his gaze, holding it without blinking. His eyes flickered to my mouth.

The tension of our argument and from the life or death discussion shifted. We were together again, possibly for the last time.

Together. That one word had stuck in my brain since he offered to help me. We didn’t have to do everything alone. We bared our secrets, our shame to one another, and we shared the weight of it. I couldn’t hold his shame, but I could hold him.

“But I don’t have to leave yet.” The words slipped out and the tension thickened as understanding flashed over his face.

His eyelids dipped and lips parted. “We have tonight.”

The wanting in his eyes stalled my breath.

“This could be our last moment together,” I whispered my thoughts aloud because it was suddenly all I could think of.

I could die tomorrow at dawn. So what did tonight matter? King Drakkar couldn’t be the last person I connected with before my death.

Somehow, Kayn understood more of what I needed again without me saying a word.

Time and space ceased to exist when he dipped his lips to mine. Our connection imbued me with fiery energy, as another more sensitive spot ignited with hot desire.

Deepening the kiss, I welcomed his tongue inside me, tasting him, all of him as the connection built and the vitality knitted my skin together and strengthened my muscles.

As addictive as this feeling could become, I wanted the feel of his hand on my bare hip more.

I wanted to straddle him and invite his hardening length between my legs where my desire left my thighs slick with wetness.

The abrupt ending to our previous kissing left me more frustrated than I’d realized.

“I need you,” he breathed the same phrase he’d said when begging me to take up the Call of the Gods.

“I know, it's okay. I’ll help you?—”

“No, Lux, I need you .”

A candle flickered just over my head, casting orange and red hues between the dark shadows across his face.

My heart stuttered as his eyes raked over me before we collided again, my hands gripped at the fabric of his tunic.

His hands roved all over my body as if he’d never get enough of me.

I tilted my head back only for a moment of air when he nipped at my bottom lip and then kissed along my jaw, working his way back to my mouth.

He groaned and walked me back to the wall, consuming me with every step. Unlike when King Drakkar slammed me into the stone, he placed a hand between my lower spine and the wall. Whether it was an excuse to feel my ass, or for my comfort, I didn’t care.

The fingers of his free hand plucked at the ribbon tied neatly to the front of my corset.

As he unlaced it, his tugging grew faster and more desperate so the corset slowly expanded.

I clutched to the back of his arm like my life depended on it, drinking every kiss in as if I’d been parched for as long as Kayn had been plagued with the shame of his mistake.

I wanted more of him and suddenly my skirts and corset, his tunic and pants were frustrating obstacles separating us. Understanding me, he paused to yank the tunic over his head with one hand. Runes in crude black ink covered every inch of his chest, including a mark of the tree of Yggdrasil.

Heat flushed over my neck and down between my breasts.

As soon as the ribbon was fully loosened, the boning inside the corset peeled away from my skin and he ripped it off of me, dropping it behind him as his kisses followed a trail from my mouth down the curve of my neck where my pulse thudded heavily.

He paused, his blunt fangs grazing the vein along my throat, and then continued over my collarbone and down to the swell of my breast where the tip tightened with anticipation.

He gently sucked the bud between his lips, eliciting a long groan from me while he unbuttoned his pants.

In the same breath, he bunched the fabric of my skirts at my waist.

When he dipped and his hand at my back slipped beneath my ass, I leaped and allowed him to lift me. Though my spine was flush against the wall, I only felt his hands, his tongue, his mouth.

“More,” I said between breaths. “Give me more. Give me you.”

With my legs wrapped around his hips and his hands splayed on the wall behind me, he thrust just enough to enter me with the tip of his length. I gasped and dug my hand into the base of his neck to encourage him closer and closer to me until he finally thrust halfway.

“More,” I begged.

He squeezed his eyes. “I’ll come undone, you’ve bewitched me, Lux.”

I kissed him harder, my fingers exploring his hair until I whimpered, begging for him to thrust again. “Deeper.”

Finally, he rewarded me with the whole of him and I released a gasp that echoed throughout my bedchambers.

He sucked in a sharp breath. “You’re going to unmake me here and now, like this.”

If only it were that easy. But unmaking Kayn as I carried out the Gods’ Call would be my undoing. I couldn’t destroy him…

Perhaps he’d spare me, and destroy me first.

The tension built and built between my legs until I lost all awareness of the world around me. My legs shook and my breathing stalled. A curse escaped him as he arched his neck back. We consumed one another, coming undone together, his thrusting sending ripples of addictive pleasure through me.

And for the first time, I felt the full scope of his healing—not because of our connection and his vitality as an immortal being, nor because of the peaking pleasure.

Because he knew me, knew of my darkness, knew my destiny to kill—even him—and still, he cared for me.