Page 113 of Villainous Kingpin

Just so goddamn empty.

I shoved the feelings that threaten to rise up and choke me somewhere deep down in a dark hole. I couldn’t feel it anymore. If the pain took hold of my throat, I’d lose before I even stepped on the ice.We’d lose, I reminded myself.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and lifted my hand, then waved it at my family.

My uncle and I came to an understanding, though tension still ran thick at times. We used Davina to soothe our tension.

The music ended and I returned my attention to the two figure skaters as they got off the ice.

Mom took mine and Derek’s hand into hers, zeroed her eyes on us and said, “You’re both ready. Make me proud.” She gave us both a smile, one of those rare ones. “It’s your time. Go big.”Or go home.

We both nodded. I slid my hand into Derek’s and we made our way to the opening into the ice. I took my skate guards off and handed them to my coach. My mother. Our eyes connected and I caught a flicker of worry in hers, but she quickly masked it. She was good at hiding her feelings. I was slowly catching up.

The second my toe pick hit the ice, the audience burst into a loud cheer. I zoned it all out. The wild crowd. The cheers. The chanting.

“They are going nuts over you,” Derek murmured softly into my ear.

“And you,” I answered automatically.

I used to live and breathe skating. It felt like home. Like love, so fucking right and invincible. And now I felt like a fraud, because the only way I could function on ice was by pretending that Bas was with me. It was always about him. He was my beginning and my end.

Hand in hand, Derek and I skated out toward the middle of the ice together. The crowd’s screams got louder and wilder.

Star! Star! Star!

Derek! Derek! Derek!

We both got into our places. My hands and knees got into the position. Our eyes locked and the music started.

My first glide across the ice and everyone was forgotten. The song “Astronomical” by SVRCINA came on and Bas’ face flashed in my mind. My body relaxed and the feeling of oblivion traveled through my veins.

Temporarily, I forgot it all. The pain. The past. The cruelty.

I floated between heaven and earth.

It felt like when Bas held me. Like the euphoria of a lover. I didn’t think, I just let the routine and muscle memory guide me and all the while my heart was with the man I lost my heart to. The music mix changed to “Legends Are Made” and with the beat I went into triple Axel, perfectly in sync with Derek’s.

The adrenaline rush swam through my veins as we took a half loop and then we were leaping into the air into a quadruple jump in Salchow.

Another loop, the music and each move was part of me, buried in my bones. Ingrained in every fiber, just as Bas was.

I skated backwards, Derek forward as we shifted into a dance lift and the world spun in a circle. This was what I lived for, it was the best feeling in the world. The pain, the adrenaline, the exhilaration. It was my adrenaline shot, the only one that worked for me.

Until Basilio DiLustro.

Months of practice and pain from hitting the hard surface of the unforgiving ice. This was it. It was all for this. My breathing elevated, a sheer layer of sweat ran down my spine despite the icy temperature. Another crescendo reached its peak andthis was it.

The death spiral.

Derek pivoted me around a curve holding my left hand, my body horizontal and low to the ice. I couldn’t see anything, the only thing I felt were the motions, each move ingrained in me, anticipated. Then I was thrown, flying through the air, landing perfectly.

I heard screaming and cheers in the audience.

Coming to a perfect halt, our bodies lined up and both of our breathing heavy, I locked eyes with Derek. With our final pose, the music ended.

One breath. Two breaths.

“We did it,” I breathed out, panting in and out. And we were fucking amazing if the cheers and screaming was anything to go by.