Page 13

CHAPTER 13

I hate it that I’m this jumpy.

I keep telling my mom I’m fine, but I’m not. I have to admit that so I can get past this. I can’t sleep because if I sleep, I dream about Serena saying she’ll cut my fingers and nipples off. I keep losing my temper with Mom, which isn’t fair, which makes me angrier. I’m angry with Max because he won’t stay with us. Which is dumb. This whole thing is dumb.

I wish I could sleep.

William still comes up to sleep with me every night, but I’m so twitchy that sometimes he leaves. When even your cat says you’re overdoing it, that’s a sign you’re losing it.

Darius seems to be fine. He got tased and threatened with a gun and left in the woods, but he’s doing great. I look in the mirror and I look a million years old, big circles under my eyes, and he’s just as happy and healthy and handsome as ever. That makes me angry, too. I’m angry all the time.

And Mom thinks I should go to college like this. I don’t want to go to college—even if I wasn’t crazy, I wouldn’t want to go. It was just something that I was going to do, like Darius and Mei, the way I took all those stupid AP courses and loaded up my schedule so we could study together. I didn’t really want college the way they do, I just wanted to be with them. But now I’m thinking about things differently. I want to stay in Rocky Start, I want to do all the things with the shop that Ozzie wouldn’t let us do, I want control over my life, I want to be safe . Ozzie left me money, that’s a kind of power right there. And?—

My cell rang, and I saw it was Darius and answered it. “Hey, you. How’s it going?”

“Terrible,” he said. “Why aren’t you here suffering with me?”

“Mental health day.” I almost said “Mom found more money,” but I remembered in time that Max had said not to tell anybody. “I’m feeling much better.”

“Your mom didn’t get mad when you cut school?”

“Hey, I have permission from the school nurse. Mom didn’t get mad until I told her I was taking the gap year. She’s not a fan, but she’ll get over it.”

“What?” Darius said.

“My gap year,” I said, annoyed. “I told you I was taking one.”

“I thought that was a joke.”

I could feel myself getting angry again. No, I thought. Not with Darius. “It’s not a joke. I need it.”

“You won’t by September. Stop scaring your mom like that.”

“ Listen, ” I said. “I am going to take a gap year, no matter what anybody says. You and Mom can both get used to it.”

“Poppy, this is dumb,” the love of my life said. “Just give yourself some time?—”

“ No! ” I took a deep breath. “I am not dumb. This is my life?—”

“I didn’t say you were dumb,” Darius said. “I said this idea of a gap?—”

“ Why do you care?” I could feel myself breathing heavier. Box breathe , I told myself, but I was too angry.

“What do you mean, why do I care? You’re my future. Of course I care.”

“I can be your future just as well in Rocky Start as I can at UNC.”

“No, you can’t,” Darius said, as if that was the final word. “I want you out of Rocky Start. I want me out of this backwater town full of crazy spies. I want us to be someplace where every other person isn’t?—”

“ Well, that’s too fucking bad because I’m staying!” I said and hung up the call.

I mean, what the hell? This is my damn life. Why do all these freaking people think they can tell me I can’t do what I want?

My phone rang again. Darius. I rejected it.

I mean, I’m almost nineteen. I’m legally an adult. I have a bank account. Hell, I could move out tomorrow, except there’s no place to rent in Rocky Start. I mean, Pike probably has something somewhere, but he wouldn’t rent it to me because like everybody else he probably thinks he knows what’s best for me better than I do.

My phone lit up with a text. Darius. I deleted it.

I couldn’t leave Mom anyway. Max is going to leave her, so I can’t. She didn’t even make a plan for what she was going to do after I left. I mean, honestly, everybody needs a plan. And I have one. I’m going to stay here and work on the store and get some sleep.

My phone beeped with an email, for God’s sake. Darius. I deleted it, too.

I am not going to argue about my life with anybody.

This is my life. I’m taking a gap year.