Page 25 of Untethered

After my meltdown, I was embarrassed, but Marcus shrugged it off as he linked arms with me as we ventured back to the house.

“How many times have you comforted me throughout the years, sissy?”

he asked. “I owe you at least a few brotherly hugs like that. You’ve always been there for us. It’s time we’re here for you.”

Once inside, I went straight to the phone and called Alicia.

“Hey, girl,”

she said. “You sound funny. What’s going on?”

I told her about everything. I was surprised I made it through the telling without breaking down again.

“Lish, I don’t know what I’m going to do with myself after Monday,” I said.

“Come to Prichard,”

she said with excitement in her voice. “I know we just saw each other, but why don’t you take a few days away from Troy and come down here? Let me spoil my cousin. I’ll make gumbo and some beignets.”

She knew I couldn’t resist her gumbo or beignets. Whenever we visited, I begged her to make them for me.

“Oh, Lish, I can’t come down there now. It’s almost Christmas, and—”

“Christmas is still on December twenty-fifth. Today is December second. You can stay a week and still get back home before the holidays,”

she said. “Go finish your last day on Monday, and then head down to Prichard on Tuesday. Say yes. You haven’t been down here for the longest time. You ought to invite that handsome handyman of yours to come down with you.”

“He’s just a friend, and it wouldn’t be appropriate,”

I said, even though there was nothing I’d love better than to have Seth accompany me to visit my family.

“All the more reason to do it,”

Alicia said with a laugh. “I saw how that man acted around you at Thanksgiving and I saw how you acted around him. You need to talk to him and let him tell you whether your inability to carry a baby matters. There are many different ways to be a parent, Katia, and he didn’t come across as the kind of man who’d make a stink over something like that.”

“Maybe.”

I didn’t add that I was too scared to have that conversation. It was one thing for me to think he’d reject me because of my hysterectomy, but it was another thing entirely for it to actually happen to my face. “Yes—I’ll come visit.”

“Woo wee!”

she exclaimed. “I can’t wait! My sister-cousin is coming to town.”

I couldn’t help but be excited too. Over the last ten years that I’d been executive director at the group home, I hadn’t taken many vacations or even days off. The longest time I’d been away was when I’d had the hysterectomy last year, and the second the doctor said I could return to work, I did. I wasn’t even sure what it would feel like to be on vacation without worrying about the group home.

After Alicia and I finished talking, I joined Mama, Leon, and Marcus in the living room. I didn’t really want to be alone. I told them about Alicia inviting me to come stay in Prichard, and then we watched The Lawrence Welk Show until the NBC Saturday Night at the Movies came on. Tonight they were showing Rawhide, which starred one of Mama’s favorite actors, Tyrone Power. The evening was relaxing, and it was sweet watching Mama and Leon try to act like they weren’t smitten with each other. I knew they were both nervous about me and my reaction. During a commercial, Mama hopped up to make some popcorn. I followed her to the kitchen.

“Mama, I’ve told you this before, but it doesn’t bother me if you and Leon want to be a couple,”

I said. “There’s a lot going on in my life right now, and I know you’re concerned about me, but seeing you and Leon as a couple won’t hurt my feelings. I promise.”

Mama set down the pan she used for popping popcorn and reached for my hands. “Leon and I have both agreed to put that in God’s hands. I’m not in any rush to be in a relationship, in spite of my advanced age, and neither is he. This is an adjustment. The majority of my life I’ve been either Marcus Harold Daniels II’s girlfriend, fiancée, wife, or widow. I don’t know how to be anything but that.”

I kissed both of Mama’s hands. “I love you, Mama.”

“And I love you, my sweet girl. I want you to go down to Prichard and enjoy yourself with your cousin. You deserve this time. Marcus and I will be just fine. I’m gone see if I can get him to go back to those meetings. I think it will do him good.”

“I’ll encourage him to go too,” I said.

After the movie ended, I went to bed. In spite of everything that was on my mind, I slept well. Maybe my body’s exhaustion finally caught up with me, because I didn’t wake up once and I didn’t have any bad dreams. Before going to sleep, I’d prepared myself for more nightmares about leeches, but mercifully they didn’t make an appearance in my dream world. Instead, I dreamed about Daddy. He was standing on the other side of a huge lake, waving and smiling at me. His wave seemed to say, Don’t worry about me, little girl—I’m doing just fine. Live your life.

When I woke up, I was smiling—my first genuine smile in the last several days. Oh, I couldn’t deny the sadness; it was still there. But seeing Daddy in my dreams was enough to put me on the road toward what I hoped would be healing.

The only thing that would have made that dream better would have been to see Chad standing beside Daddy, also waving and looking happy. I prayed that at some point I’d have that dream as well. I was thankful that my little brother, Aaron, wasn’t standing beside Daddy. I tried to tell myself this meant Aaron was still alive and in due time we’d find him, and our little family would be complete again.

I took my time getting up. Sunday school was at nine o’clock, and church didn’t start until eleven. Jason was bringing the boys to church so I could have more time with them before we told them the news later today. I dreaded it, but I knew the boys would be in good hands—and maybe this was the radical shift I needed in my life. Years ago, right before I started working at the group home, I’d entertained going back to school to study elementary education. I wasn’t sure if that’s what I wanted to do, but it was exciting to think about.

I went to the bathroom adjacent to my room and had a nice long, hot shower. By the time I finished, I felt so relaxed. In my bedroom I put on a blue sweater dress with a matching jacket. Then I walked out into the hallway, where Mama and Marcus were waiting. Marcus was wearing his Marine Corps uniform, looking handsome and dapper. Mama was wearing a beautiful winter white dress with matching hat. Mama didn’t believe in fashion rules like “don’t wear white after Labor Day.”

Mama’s closet was filled with white suits that she wore when the weather got cool.

“Can’t nobody but God tell me what to do, and I don’t think the Master is concerning Himself with my clothes,”

she used to say. Daddy used to love it when Mama wore white. He said it reminded him of their wedding day.

“Y’all ready?”

I asked. Even though I’d just seen the boys yesterday, I wanted to lay eyes on them again, especially since I only had today and tomorrow.

“Ready,”

Mama said. We went out and got into my truck. I let Marcus drive and I sat in the middle. He hadn’t been behind the wheel of a vehicle in a while, but he drove with steadiness. I was proud of him and how hard he was fighting to go on without Aaron at his side. Mama looked at me and smiled. I knew she was thinking the same thing.

When we pulled into the church parking lot, the van from the group home was already there. I hopped out of the car and hurried into the church as soon as Marcus parked. The boys were standing with Jason and David. When Pee Wee saw me, he ran and wrapped his arms around my waist.

“Miss K-K-Katia,”

he exclaimed like it had been weeks since we’d seen each other. I was just as happy to see him. Darren and Charlie stood back, but they smiled and waved. “C-C-Can I sit with y-y-you?”

“You sure can,”

I said. “Once Sunday school is over with, you can sit right between me and Gran.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,”

Mama said, walking up to the two of us. Pee Wee moved out of my arms and hugged Mama. I’d miss seeing him, but I prayed that life would be good for him with his grandmother. She seemed like she had a good heart.

A bell rang, which signaled the start of Sunday school. Normally when I brought the boys to church, we only made it in time for the main service, but Pee Wee insisted he remembered where the children’s classes were, so we watched as he led Darren and Charlie up the stairs.

“How are you doing, Miss Katia?”

Jason asked, coming over to hug me. David followed behind him and hugged me too.

“I’m fine,”

I said. “Nice of you to come to church with us today, David.”

“I wanted to be with the family. One more time,”

he said with a watery smile.

I touched the side of his face. “You’d better not get teary on me, David Snell. I’m going to have to pull on your strength and Jason’s today.”

“We are right here,”

Jason said.

Sister Miller walked up to us. “Y’all come on into the main sanctuary so we can get started.”

Sister Miller was the adult Sunday school teacher and she ran a tight ship. She and Mama embraced, and then she hugged Jason, David, and Marcus. “You looking mighty handsome in the uniform, son. Thank you for your service.”

“Thank you, Sister Miller. It’s my honor,”

he said, sounding confident. I knew he missed serving in the Marine Corps. My prayer was that they wouldn’t try to send him back, but we knew that was a possibility. I didn’t know if Mama could handle having another son beyond her reach, but I was equally uncertain that Marcus could be comfortable sitting out this war. He’d been reluctant to enter the Corps, only joining because of Aaron. But I knew when we saw him after basic training that this was his calling—fighting for this country that didn’t always fight for him.

We went into the sanctuary, and just like when we were children, Mama led us to the front pew. She used to say, “Nobody ever got saved sitting in the back of the church.”

When the twins were younger, they’d pout because she wouldn’t let them sit with their friends. And just like then, I reached into my purse, pulled out a piece of Juicy Fruit gum, and passed it to Marcus. He grinned at me. Mama gave us a stern look, but a glint of laughter shone in her eyes.

After an opening hymn and prayer, Sister Miller told us the Scripture for the day: Matthew 5:16: “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

“So often we strive to do things for our own adoration, but we must be reminded that any good thing we do is for the glorification of God,” she said.

When I was younger, this was the time when I’d often escape into my daydreams. I’d think about whatever book I was currently reading, or I’d plan my outfits for the week. I’m grateful that now I truly did try to see how God’s Word applied to me and my life. I wanted to believe that my motives were selfless, that I didn’t act to receive praise. But Sister Miller’s words were definitely thought-provoking. Sunday school continued for another forty-five minutes before we let out in preparation for morning services.

The boys hurried back into the sanctuary, and almost all of the older ladies, with Sister Miller leading the pack, gave Pee Wee a special hug, telling him what a good boy he was. He soaked it in like one might sop up syrup with a biscuit. I prayed his home with his grandmother would give him warm moments like this.

The choir began singing “Nothing but the Blood of Jesus,”

signaling that it was time for us to be seated. As I’d promised, Pee Wee sat between Mama and me, and when she stood to sing and clap along with the choir, Pee Wee stood and clapped right with her. It was times like this I wanted to remember—to imprint onto my mind so I’d never forget that these boys touched my life in such an incredible way.

Pastor Bennett’s sermon was a continuation of Sunday school. When he referenced John 15:8, I couldn’t help but grimace when he said, “bear much fruit.”

He wasn’t talking about babies, but that’s where my mind went. Across from us, a new mother and father sat with their baby in her lap. I tried not to be envious or begrudging of anyone else’s good fortune, but I wished for a life like theirs. If I closed my eyes, I could see myself sitting in the pew, cradling my own baby, sitting next to my husband, who vaguely resembled Seth.

I felt a hand on my arm. I looked at Mama. She mouthed, Are you okay? I nodded.

For the rest of the service, I tried my best to remain focused on Pastor Bennett’s words. Once the church services ended, I went to talk to Pastor Bennett about what the police had said about the threat of violence if we had Chad’s funeral service at the church.

“I just hate to have him put into the ground without even acknowledging his life,”

I said, feeling tears threatening to spill over again.

Pastor Bennett put his hand on my arm. “Don’t worry, Katia. We’ll figure something out. I think waiting a couple of weeks for feelings to calm down isn’t a bad idea.”

I nodded in agreement. “I don’t want there to be any more violence or bloodshed. I just want to honor Chad’s life.”

Then I told Pastor Bennett about losing my job. He was such an easy person to talk to, and since he was a spiritual leader, it seemed natural to talk to him.

He hugged me. “You are a phenomenal young woman, Miss Katia Daniels. Don’t allow the actions of those people to make you think otherwise. You’ve done a good work at that group home. Clearly God has other plans for you. I’ll pray for your strength and your discernment in finding out what the next leg of your journey is going to be.”

I thanked him and made my way through the crowd of worshipers, people I’d known since I was a child. This church was an extension of home.

I rode home with Mama and Marcus so I could get my truck. I planned to spend the night at the group home, maybe play some board games or watch television with the boys. They loved to watch Walt Disney’s Wonderful World of Color. I’d do anything to keep things as light as possible.

When I got to the group home, Pee Wee ran to the truck and offered to carry my bag for me.

“I-I-I didn’t know y-y-you were staying t-t-tonight,” he said.

“I need to talk to you boys about something, and afterward I thought we might play some games or watch television,” I said.

“Yeah! I-I-I’m glad you c-c-came to be with u-u-us,” he said.

I held back the tears. I didn’t want to start blubbering before I even assembled the boys. This wasn’t going to be easy, but I had to find the strength to let the boys and the staff know that with or without me, life at the group home would go on.

“Let’s go inside,”

I said and took Pee Wee’s free hand in mine.