Page 12 of Undesired Mate

12

CLARA

Somewhere in the distance, a wolf’s howl fills the air.

The sound stirs me out of a light sleep filled with bad dreams. The hair on the back of my neck lifts, and I hold my breath, waiting for more. A second howl sends goosebumps racing up and down my arms, and I shiver, but Levi is just as deep asleep as ever. I’m glad. He doesn’t need to know how miserable I am, lying here next to him, knowing I have no place by his side.

Tonight sealed the deal. Sure, I was worried before now. Conflicted. Wondering how we could work, even if I had the power to shift. I’ll always be part witch, and shifters aren’t super accepting of witches.

Now, I know for sure I’ll never be fully witch or fully shifter. I’m always going to exist in this limbo where I’ll never belong anywhere. Some people aren’t meant to have normal lives, to be happy and feel loved. I’m sure there are thousands of lonely, unloved people lying in bed the way I am right now. Staring through the window, wondering why Fate decided they’ll never be good enough. Never worthy.

There’s so much I’m unsure of. What’s the next step? Levi insisted we can find a way out of this, but can we? Was he only trying to make me feel better? He couldn’t have meant it. Because as far as I see it, after lying here and looking at the problem from every possible angle, there isn’t a solution that involves the two of us together. It doesn’t matter that there’s something pulling us toward each other.

I feel it even now, always here, like an electric current in the air. Just because the lights are off doesn’t mean the electricity is gone. It just hasn’t been turned on. I wish there was a way to make it stop. I really do. Because it isn’t fair to either of us.

It’s especially unfair to Levi. I hate myself for being who I am, how I am. How can he not hate me, too? I would. Maybe I can hate me for both of us.

A soft sob stirs in my throat, but I swallow it down. No sense in lying here feeling sorry for myself when I have things to do. Plans to make.

Because one thing is obvious: I can’t stay. There’s another thing that’s true, too. The sort of truth that’s painful to admit but can’t be ignored.

I love him.

Don’t I? Granted, love isn’t something I’ve had a lot of experience with. Whenever I’ve imagined love, it’s involved happiness and feeling like I found where I belong. I’m not exactly happy right now. I don’t feel like I belong here or anywhere.

Am I really in love, or is that what I’m telling myself? I’ve been alone for so long—am I desperate? To somebody who has been neglected and hated their entire life, the slightest bit of kindness can be blown totally out of proportion. Is it stupid for me to let myself fall for him? It’s too late now, anyway.

What do I know is true? He fought for me. He believed my mother’s fake promises, and he fought for me. He risked his own life. He stood by my side and held my hand. He held me in his arms when I cried, and never once made me feel bad for it. Like I’m an inconvenience, the way I have felt all my life. The way she made me feel.

When I think back on it all, my heart swells until it hurts. Maybe I’m not as useless as she always made me feel. Maybe I’m actually worth something. I have Levi to thank for that—because if he wasn’t willing to take such a risk for me, I would never have figured out I’m worth taking risks for. Even if it’s his wolf telling him to do it, talking in his head. How do I know? Because I sort of feel it now, like there’s something inside me that isn’t quite… me. Part of me, but not the part of me thinking now, trying to work my way through an impossible situation.

That voice wants me to stay. It reminds me of the risks I would be taking by leaving. I don’t have any friends out in the world. I wouldn’t have a way of supporting myself. No place to live. No money.

Even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. It doesn’t matter how dangerous and maybe even stupid this is. Leaving is the only option now. All I’ll ever do is drag Levi down, make him an outsider like me.

And like me, it’ll be through no fault of his. He’ll be made to suffer for somebody else’s cruelty the way I have throughout my life. How am I supposed to do that to him when I love him? How could I live with myself?

There’s something else. Something even worse. How can I let time pass, watching him start to resent me? How could I live through the two of us growing apart? As much as it twists me up inside to imagine leaving now, it’s twice as bad when I imagine him looking at me with resentment, hatred. I’ve seen enough of that to last three lifetimes.

No, there’s just no choice. I have to go. For both of us.

Everything that’s gone on over the past several hours must have really taken it out of him. He’s still fast asleep, not even twitching when I slide out of bed with my heart in my throat.

I need to go, but first I need to look at him one more time. He’s so beautiful, chiseled and powerful, with his perfect profile highlighted by the half-moon that has managed to break free from the clouds. My aching heart soaks in every detail for much longer than it probably should. I can’t force my feet to move after I’ve gotten dressed in my old clothes, the ones Levi found me in. I don’t want to be accused of stealing.

It’s only reminding myself of what could happen in the future that gets me moving. Imagining his eyes opening and glaring at me with icy resentment. I tiptoe away from the bed and through the living area while holding my breath, hoping against hope to get away before he wakes up. All I need is enough time to get to the interstate. After that, I doubt Levi could track me down once a driver picks me up.

It’s damp and chilly in the hours before dawn, but the cool air wakes me up and grants me a burst of energy. I paid close attention while Levi carried me on his back hours ago, and I remember catching glimpses of the road now and then once we reached higher terrain.

Tracing our route to the cabin helps. After walking a while, I catch a glimpse of the road to my left and move in that direction down a steep slope that thankfully levels out before long. It takes conscious effort to keep moving, to put more and more distance between me and Levi, no matter how heavy my feet feel. My heart aches and there’s something pounding in my head that keeps telling me to turn around, but I have to ignore all of that. I know I’m doing the right thing. This is for the best. No matter how much it hurts.

With every step I take, that soft voice in the back of my head urges me to stop. I can’t believe how much I want to listen to it. I could still make it back, couldn’t I? I could turn around right now, climb up the slope, and walk back to where Levi is—I hope—still sleeping. I could get back before he ever knew I was gone, and we could pretend in the morning that we both believe there’s a way to get through this together.

Or I can stop lying to myself and keep moving forward, because it’s really the only option I have. All it takes is imagining him growing to hate me. It’s enough to get my feet moving faster, guided by the occasional passing headlights in the distance.

It occurs to me now that maybe this isn’t the best plan. It’s not exactly safe for a girl walking by herself in the middle of the night, hoping to hitchhike. I have no idea how far we are from the nearest rest stop or restaurant or mall. I don’t even know what I’ll do if and when I reach one.

All I can do is hope the driver who picks me up is kind. I emerge on the side of the road, helped by the moon that keeps playing hide-and-seek in the clouds. Which way should I go? Does it really matter? I guess in whichever direction a car comes first. Imagine that. Leaving my fate up to something so random.

But then fate is pretty random, isn’t it? At least, it is for me. Imagine Levi finding me when he did. If he had gone some place else that day, maybe hunting in the opposite direction, he never would’ve seen me. I would probably have died before much longer, starving, with no shelter. None of this would be happening.

It’s strange, but I can’t bring myself to wish things had turned out that way. I have in the past—my darkest times, when there was nothing to live for and no mother to comfort me. But now, I have memories of Levi. For once, there was something good in my life. Even if it didn’t last, it was there. Something tells me I’ll need to cling to those memories and use them to shield myself from whatever’s coming next, as I try to find another way to survive in the world.

A pair of headlights glows in the distance, coming from my left. I’ll stay on this side of the road, then, waiting for the truck that slowly emerges from the darkness up ahead. I stick out my arm, my thumb pointed upward, and hope. For once, I need something to go my way.