Page 20 of Under Such Circumstances (Desperately Seeking Elizabeth #1)

THE COLONEL WAS in her bedchamber when she arrived there to get ready for dinner, however. Unfortunately, so was Jane and the maid that was there to dress them and see to their hair.

Fortunately, the colonel ducked into the wardrobe at the first sight of them.

Elizabeth was sure that the maid had seen him, but Jane seemed unaware.

She eyed the maid and said that she would look in the wardrobe herself for her dress for dinner, in addition to Jane’s.

The maid gave her such a look that Elizabeth knew that she had seen the colonel.

Drat. She was going to have to do something about that, undoubtedly.

(And indeed, later on, she was obliged to give over to the maid more money than she would have liked, in order to secure Marybelle’s silence.

She could not be sure that Marybelle would even be silent, in the end.)

“No protests, Marybelle,” she said to the maid, now. “I am quite closer than you. My sister and I are rather used to doing for ourselves at home, you see. It is no trouble.”

She opened the wardrobe door closest to the maid and Jane, blocking their view of inside.

The colonel shrugged at her.

She glared at him, reaching in to find the dresses. He was in the way. He tried to help but wasn’t any help.

“This is certainly taking a long time,” said Marybelle idly.

“No, I have it,” said Elizabeth, pulling out Jane’s dress. “It is only that I have just been struck by a terrible headache.” She shut the door to the wardrobe firmly. “The pulsing kind. Possibly a megrim, I cannot say. I shall have to lie down straightaway, I’m afraid.”

Jane rushed forward. “Oh dear, so quickly, Lizzy! I can’t remember your ever suffering such a headache.”

“Yes, I know not,” said Elizabeth. “I can only hope it passes quickly.”

“Perhaps Marybelle should fetch you some willow bark immediately,” said Jane.

“No, it would be best if Marybelle would dress you, get you ready, and then you would both leave me alone,” said Elizabeth.

Jane nodded. She made to touch Elizabeth, and then stopped herself. “I shan’t try to give you a reassuring touch, my dearest, for I well know that can be agonizing in the midst of a headache of this nature. However, you must lie down immediately.”

“Of course,” said Elizabeth.

“And you won’t be comfortable in your dress and your stays and all your outergarments!” cried Jane.

“I shall be fine,” said Elizabeth, who wasn’t sure how much could be seen from within the wardrobe. She did not wish to be undressed in front of the colonel, she must say.

“At least have her loosen your stays,” said Jane.

Elizabeth flounced pointedly down on the bed and said what she primarily needed was peace and quiet.

“I can see the pain is making you irritable,” said Jane. “Very well, dress me as quickly as possible, Marybelle.”

Elizabeth pulled a pillow over her head and groaned here and there, but then she stopped, because every time she made noise, Jane renewed all her entreaties for Elizabeth’s comfort—to remove clothing or to have some willow bark brought up or perhaps some strong drink or some tea, which sometimes helped megrims. And Elizabeth wished everyone to simply go away, so she had to deny all these things, and she did sound irritable, because she was furious.

Not with Jane, however, but with the colonel. What was he doing?

Finally, however, she was alone the room, and she marched over to the wardrobe and flung it open.

“I should have thought you’d be sharing a room with your sister,” said the colonel.

“I suppose when one is the son of an earl, one never shares a room,” said Elizabeth.

“Well, not never,” said the colonel. “I have shared rooms and beds and…” He shook himself.

“Every element of this awful scheme of mine grows worse and worse, and yet now, I am committed to it, and I shall see it through, I’m afraid.

At least to the point of asking you. But if it matters to you, I may say that I regret it all, already, and I haven’t even done or said anything yet. ”

She put her hands on her hips again. “What’s this about watching me, colonel? I’m not pleased about that, you know. It’s unwelcome. You ought not be watching someone without her knowledge. It feels dreadful to hear that is happening, and I cannot state that strongly enough.”

“Apologies,” he said.

She waited.

“We know about your aunt being your mother, and—”

“About the fact I’m illegitimate? So, you are spying on some ruined woman who is from ignoble lineage, and why are you interested in me at all anymore?”

“Well, I don’t know, I suppose,” said the colonel. “We simply are.”

“We,” she said. “You and Mr. Darcy, you mean.”

“He doesn’t know I’m here. I hope you’ll never tell him, but that will be up to you, I suppose.”

She sighed heavily. She let her hands drop from her hips. She studied the floor. “I don’t know who my father is, but I got some information today, and I am formulating a theory that he might have been French nobility, penniless and running from the horrors of the guillotine.”

“Oh,” said the colonel. “Well, that’s all right, then, isn’t it?”

“Well, I can’t make it make sense,” she said. “Why wouldn’t he marry my mother? Being penniless doesn’t prevent a person from getting married. And he knew she was with child, because they lived together in Weythorn for some time, apparently.”

“So, he was married already and dallying with your mother.”

“It seems so,” said Elizabeth.

“So, not all right, then,” said the colonel, thinking about it. “Is he alive?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “My source, Mrs. Exley, a former servant there, she says that he disappeared one day, and my mother seemed to think he was coming back for some time, though he never did.”

“So, he abandoned her.”

“Yes,” said Elizabeth. “But if he did so, where did the inheritance come from, the six thousand pounds? I suppose my mother had the house at that point.”

“Maybe that was what he left her to live on,” said the colonel.

“Maybe,” said Elizabeth, nodding. “And she put it away for me, concealed the disgrace of my birth, and gave me a better life than she could have given me on her own.”

“Just so,” said the colonel, nodding. “That’s what a loving mother would have done. She wouldn’t have wished you to suffer for her sins.”

Elizabeth could only nod again.

“Even so, it must be difficult,” said the colonel softly. “Realizing you missed out on your mother for all those years.”

“Yes,” she said in a quiet voice. “Especially when my… Mrs. Bennet, when she and I have never really been close, when I have felt, in fact, she resents me, and now…”

“Now, you know it was all true.” He tilted his head to one side. “It’s probably relieving in some way. She isn’t really your mother.”

“Yes,” said Elizabeth, nodding firmly.

“But also quite sad, because you didn’t have a mother.”

“Yes,” said Elizabeth, quieter but equally firmly.

The colonel reached out and took one of her hands. “Maybe we could find your father.”

“Truly?” She looked into his eyes. “I’ve been thinking about that as well, but I wouldn’t know how to start.”

“Well, there aren’t that many ex-patriots here in England,” he said. “We can look for any who might fit the criteria, make some very subtle inquiries, that sort of thing.”

“And when you say ‘we’?”

“I suppose I meant Darcy and myself,” he said. “But you must be involved, certainly. It is only that you are an unmarried woman, and you seem determined to put yourself into improper situations that make it impossible to marry you.”

“You don’t wish to marry me,” she said, tugging her hand out of his.

“Oh, that is not true at all, Miss Bennet,” he said. A pause. “Elizabeth.” His voice had a husky tinge when he said her first name.

She swallowed, liking it.

“But we both know, I can’t,” said the colonel.

“Because I am ruined and illegitimate,” she said, her mouth twisting.

“Because I would not be able to take care of you,” said the colonel. “I don’t have what he has.”

She drew back, furrowing her brow. “You snuck into my wardrobe for the express purpose of trying to convince me to marry him? ”

“Well…” He cleared his throat. “Sort of. It’s worse than that, however.”

She raised her eyebrows, hands back on her hips. “Worse?”

He licked his lips, shifting on his feet. “Elizabeth, you said that you never wanted to… that you didn’t wish to be with a man in that way again, that whatever Wickham did to you, it was so unpleasant, you didn’t like it at all.”

She nodded. “Yes.”

“However painful or unpleasant it was—”

“Well, it didn’t hurt,” she said, furrowing her brow.

“It can be different,” he said. “And if all that is keeping you from agreeing to a marriage with my cousin is that you don’t wish that to happen again, then maybe you just need to be shown what it could be like. How it can be quite, quite enjoyable and gentle and good for you.”

She was stunned. “You’re not saying…?”

“He wouldn’t, you see,” said the colonel with a shrug.

“You could marry him right now, and he’d be very honorable, and he’d never push or demand or do anything unless you wished it.

But you wouldn’t wish it. And so… anyway, I would.

I’m not honorable in that same way, you see.

Not when it’s stupid to be honorable. And I can’t marry you, so this would be, sort of, I don’t know, a consolation.

I get to… to heal you, and then he gets to have you forever. ”

“Got me sorted, then? Just dividing me up?”

“It’s the worst idea I’ve ever had in my life,” he said, nodding at her. “You can’t imagine how beneath me it is or how horribly guilty I feel about it.”

She shook her head at him very slowly. “ Heal me.”

He bowed his head.

“You know, I thought he was insufferably arrogant, but truly, you are both horrid.”

He sighed heavily. “All right, well, you have said no, and I am going to climb out your window here, and—”

“It’s not as you’re thinking, anyway,” she said, hand to her forehead. “It’s not as if I’m frightened of it.” This was perhaps untrue.