Page 53 of Under Cover

“Hey, papi,” Garcia whispered. “Easy. Easy. You’re shaking.”

Crosby nodded, unable to stop. “Was good,” he said, not knowing what else to say. “Intense.”

“Yeah. Me too.” Garcia raised an unsteady hand to push Crosby’s hair from his eyes. “I’ve had lots of sex, Crosby. This here, you and me—this is new.”

Crosby nodded and gave a shy smile before turning his head. “Haven’t hadlots,” he muttered, “but it’s still new.”

“Mm….”

Crosby rolled to his side and studied Garcia’s expression in the gray light coming through the top of the window, the part not covered by curtains.

“You had lots of sex?” he asked, fishing without shame. They hadn’t talked about their sex lives—apparently Garcia because he exclusively preferred men, and Crosby because, with the exception of Iliana, he hadn’t had much of one since moving to New York.

Garcia gave a sly smile. “Not to speak of….”

Crosby laughed. “C’mon. I’m living in your spare room now. Isn’t this where we offer full disclosure?” He sobered. “You already know I like both, but my relationships with men—those haven’t worked out so well.”

“What about women?” Garcia rolled to his side too and, with a little bit of fussing, situated the covers over their shoulders, creating enough space between them to whisper in.

Crosby’s mouth turned up a little. “Had a few good ones. Had a college girlfriend I thought might go the distance.”

“What happened?” Garcia asked, lacing their fingers together between them.

Crosby liked that. It was intimate and playful, possessive and kind, all at the same time.

“She was kind of shitty to Toby,” Crosby said thoughtfully. “It… it sort of turned me off. Later on, after… after Damir Calvin—”

“The kid McEnany shot?” Garcia rasped.

“Yeah. I… it’s hard to say his name,” Crosby confessed. “But I make myself. I need to remember that kid was human. He had a family that mourned him. He wasn’tmycross to bear. He was a whole person, with hopes and dreams and a girlfriend—all the good things. If I forget to say his name, McEnany gets closer to erasing him, you know?”

“Yeah,” Garcia nodded, agreeing with him.

“So anyway, after Damir, it occurred to me that Brittney would have been one of those wives, you know? Perfectly happy to let me turn a blind eye to the bad shit if meant her life wasn’t disrupted.”

Garcia nodded again, his eyes troubled.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’d never expect you to turn a blind eye,” he said softly. “And I’ll hold your hand and jump off the cliff with you. All you gotta do is ask. But Crosby—Judson—you… you attract these sorts of moral dilemmas. You know that, right?”

Crosby tried to pull away, hurt. “Not on purpose!”

“No! Of course not!” Garcia paused. “But you are always ready, aren’t you? To see the line in the sand and walk away from it. You were with me. I could have waited our entire lives for you to make a move—”

Crosby snorted. “Oh no, I could not have,” he rumbled. “Do you think you were the only one planning what would happen when we got to your place last night?”

Garcia chuckled, but it sounded strained. “But what if I’d said no?” he asked.

Crosby swallowed, suddenly cold. “I would have asked if you wanted a new partner,” he said, the words costing him. He’d thought of it. Every day for the last six months he’d thought of it. Of the moment his restraint broke and he’d needed to touch Garcia like a lover more than he needed him as a partner.

Of the consequences of that move.

Garcia nodded sadly. “But if I said we should stay partners, would you have ever tried again?”

Crosby frowned. “Not if you weren’t consenting, no.”

“What if I just needed reassurance?” Garcia asked, voice soft. “That I wasn’t about to fuck up one of the best relationships of my life.”