Page 88 of Unapologetic Obsession

Chapter

Thirty

ROSE

By the timedawn broke and signaled an end to my torturous night, I eagerly jumped out of bed. All my thoughts revolved around my predicament. Since I felt tongue-tied in front of Professor Maxwell yesterday, I considered drafting an email to explain my actions.I had been drunk on the boat, and the whole thing had been a giant misunderstanding.Then, I second-guessed the idea. What if his account was monitored? Accusations of sleeping with a student would become widespread if that email got out. Perhaps I could drop off an unsigned letter instead.

In the meantime, I had to keep my shit together and decided to call my therapist, Dr. Lauren Harper. I should have done it yesterday, and after my sleepless night, speaking to her was imperative.

A familiar voice answered on the second ring. “Rose.”

My fingers tightened around my cell phone. “Morning, Dr. Harper. How are you?”

“I’m great. How about you?”

Her voice was comforting, reminiscent of the first time Auntie Piya took me to see her. After my attempted suicide, I started living by invisible rules to the point it was trite. My auntwas the only adult who noticed and sought help for me. Dr. Harper gave me the necessary tools to function, though I never graduated from my obsessive-compulsive needs.

“Sorry for calling at this hour. But I remembered you started early on Tuesdays, so I figured I’d try my luck.”

“I’m happy to hear from you. It’s been a while since we last spoke.”

I nodded, though she couldn’t see me. “I’ve been meaning to schedule an appointment.”

“You called me. That’s a step in the right direction.”

More like a last-ditch attempt to fix my life. I didn’t know who else to turn to, and Dr. Harper was fantastic at her job. Between school and my busy schedule, therapy had taken a back seat over the past year.

“Tell me what’s going on.”

Knowing I had to exercise discretion about Professor Maxwell, I started the conversation with, “My roommate thinks I’ve been acting differently. Yesterday, I didn’t rotate my cup before taking a sip.”

She was quiet for a moment. “How do you feel after skipping a routine that you use to manage your anxiety?”

“I wasn’t bothered by it.” That was the truth. Strange, because I usually couldn’t operate without performing my obsessive habits. They were my coping mechanisms.

“Rose! This is a huge breakthrough for you.”

I exhaled deeply, allowing her words to resonate within me. “Right.”

“Was there any particular event that led to this accomplishment?”

Mental images popped up of Professor Maxwell holding me down on the rug as he fucked the life out of me. Holding two fingers on the bridge of my nose, I tried to dispel the vision.

It was ironic. My recent setback in life was what distracted me enough for a breakthrough. There was no denying it—he was the reason my carefully constructed fortress was tumbling. Those odd ticks made me feel safe and in control, but he had shattered any illusion of safety, and my defense mechanisms no longer seemed to matter.

“I-I lost my virginity.”

There was pin-drop silence on the other side. I had done the unthinkable—I had shocked Dr. Harper.

She quickly regained her professionalism and swallowed her personal feelings on the matter. “That’s a big step. I imagine this is bringing up a lot of feelings, especially considering how physical touch has affected you in the past. How do you feel about it?”

Devastated, because after years of avoiding contact with men, I had slept with the wrong one.

“There’s no correct answer,” she said softly. “Whatever you’re feeling is completely valid.”

“It helped me step out of my comfort zone.” Not exactly a lie. My priorities had shifted since losing my virginity. “I haven’t been obsessing over my compulsions lately.”

“That’s great news, Rose.”