Page 19 of Tower (Post-Apocalyptic Fairy Tales #1)

“No! Of course I’m happy.” Worried he’s actually questioning my feelings, I forget my twinge of disappointment and prop myself up on his chest, meeting his eyes in the mostly dark room.

“I made the best decision of my life that night after my dad died. I was in such a flurry it’s amazing I was even thinking clearly, but I was.

I’ve never had a single regret. There’s no one else I would have wanted for my man.

No one else who could have taken care of me and protected me the way you do.

No one else I could share myself with this way.

No one else I would ever have wanted in my bed and in my life and for my future.

No one else, Levi. I won the lottery with you. ”

He stares at me for a long time, looking awed and frozen and stunned at the exact same time. His mouth is slightly open, and his beard is rumpled.

He’s heard me. He’s understood me. He knows not just what I’ve said but the feelings underlying the words.

He knows .

I can see it on his face.

And I can also see the answering emotions—the trust, the commitment, the affection, the devotion, the words I wanted to hear earlier—all right there on his face.

But then it breaks.

It cracks.

He jerks his head to the side and mutters, “Dammit.”

Confused more than upset, I reach to turn his face back toward me. “Why dammit ?”

He breathes heavily for a minute as he stares up at me with his head on his pillow. Then he finally says gruffly, “Let me ask you a question.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t take it bad.”

With a frown, I rearrange on my side to prop my head on my hand beside him. “I’ll try not to. What’s the question.”

“Do you think… Did I take advantage?”

“Did you take advantage of what?”

“Of you.” His beard is rumpled, and his expression is anxious. Dead sober. “At the beginning. Did I… take advantage of you. Of your… desperation.”

My heart thuds and then sinks. My face and fingers and toes grow cold. “No! Of course not. It was my decision. My choice.”

“I know that. I keep tryin’ to tell myself that. But I still…” His voice breaks, so he has to clear his throat. “I’ve been no good most of my life. But I keep thinkin’ I shoulda been a better man. I keep wantin’ to be a better man… for you.”

The shift in mood is sudden and disorienting. I want to brush it away. Hide from it. It’s too heavy. Too raw. But Levi is completely earnest right now, and he’s taking a real risk. So it would be wrong for me not to answer it.

I swallow. Think. Swallow again because my throat feels swollen. Finally ask, “Why do you think I chose you, Levi?”

“Don’t fuckin’ know, if you wanna know the truth.

I used to watch you. Up in your window when your daddy was still alive.

You were so goddamn beautiful. And… and above everyone.

Above me. Like an angel or a goddess. Nearly jumped outta my skin when you appeared right there in front of me by the river.

Had no idea why you chose me then and still don’t know today. ”

“Okay.” I’m so touched by the rough words I’m tempted to hug him, but he wants to have this conversation so I focus.

“I’ll tell you why. I chose you because I somehow knew you wouldn’t force me.

Call it instinct or intuition or whatever, but I knew.

With the Mayor or the Nelson boy, I couldn’t imagine having the freedom to tell them no. But with you, I knew I could.”

“Did you know that?” He’s suddenly urgent. He lifts a hand to cup one of my cheeks. “How did you know?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure. Partly because of what Dad told me about you. How you wouldn’t let your guys rape or abuse. How you stopped your own people from coming after me. But it’s also from what I saw in you when I sometimes watched you by the river in the mornings.”

He blinks. “I didn’t know you watched me.”

“I know you didn’t know. But I did. I wasn’t gawking or leering at you.

Just watching. And I could see how tired you were.

How hard it was for you to get through every day in this world.

The bad people… they’re not tired. They’re excited.

They’re thrilled. They’re in their element.

They can take what they want when they want it without any consequences.

They love this new world. It’s the good people who are as exhausted as you. ”

His lips part, and his eyes shift as he reflects on what I’ve said. Then he inclines his head in a slight nod. “So you… you weren’t fuckin’ me ’cause you felt forced?”

“No. Never. I did want to make you happy, and I did want to fulfill my responsibilities in this relationship, but I always knew I had an out with you.”

“You sure?”

“Yes. I’m sure.” I pause. “That’s the only reason I’m so happy right now. Would you… I mean, think it through yourself. Would you have kicked me out if I refused to fuck you that first night and kept refusing all these months.”

“No!” The word bursts out like he’s offended. “Course I wouldn’t’ve done that.” His eyes are still sincere, but his mouth quirks irrepressibly. “Mighta moved you to a different room. Otherwise would’ve died of a heart attack from the world’s most eternal hard-on for you.”

Giggling helplessly, I now lean over to give him a soft hug.

“See? That’s what I knew. That’s why I picked you. I’m happy now, and you’re happy, and sure it was kind of weird and… and transactional at first, but I chose you. And I’m still choosing you. I’ll always, always choose you!”

His face twists again and he pulls me on top of him. Draws my face down into a hard, hungry kiss.

I respond with all my heart, but it doesn’t last as long as I want.

Levi gently lifts my head so he can meet my eyes. “Okay. I believe you. I just wanna… I wanna always do right by you. I wanna be a… good man. For you.”

“You are.” I press a soft kiss against his mouth. “I promise you are.”

“Okay.”

He pulls me down again, this time holding me in gentle embrace. I snuggle into his big, familiar body and let myself relax.

We had the talk. And it went fine.

He wants me as much as I want him. He cares about me as much as I care about him. That much is obvious. Everything else can be sorted out through time.

We lay twined together for several minutes. I nuzzle his neck and chest, and he strokes my hair, my bottom, the back of my thighs. It’s intimate rather than sexual. I love it.

“What kind of run do you need to make today?” I finally ask, since the sun will be up soon and our day will begin.

He groans and stretches beneath me. “I gotta take a few guys north to scope things out. Those assholes up that way keep causin’ more trouble. Gotta tighten our defenses. Not sure what the hell they’re up to, but don’t want no war we’re too clueless to see comin’.”

“Definitely not.” That other gang has been poking at boundaries since I first moved in with Levi. “Are you really worried?”

He shrugs. “I dunno. Nothin’ serious, but it’s makin’ me take notice.” He pauses before he adds, “I know you been gettin’ out and about more, but maybe you should stay in till things settle again.”

I frown and lift my head. “Stay at base, you mean?” Ever since our trip to Kentucky, Levi’s been taking me on outings at least once a week so I’m not cooped up all the time. I’ve been loving it. Although I’m not all that happy about the outings temporarily ending, I’m not going to complain.

“Yeah. Stay at base. And maybe stay up here in the room when me and the guys are out on runs.”

At this, my whole body stiffens. “Stay in the room? No! Everyone else is fine going about their business here. Why am I the only one trapped in a room?”

He’s frowning now too. “So I don’t gotta worry ’bout you every minute. What’s the big deal?”

“The big deal is I’ve been trapped in a room for years, and I was finally able to feel… feel freer. If Becca and Jen are fine moving around on base, then I should be fine too.”

“The thought of losing Becca and Jen don’t scare me shitless. It’s my job to take care of you, and I’m gonna do it no matter what. You gotta let me.” He means it. He’s scowling up at me as if he can’t believe I’m arguing.

I’m not sure why I am, but it feels important to me.

Significant. “I do let you. I’ve never done anything stupid with my safety.

You know that. But I’m not a princess to be locked in a tower, and I’m not going to live like one anymore.

I’m not, Levi. I’ll be safe. I promise. But I’m not going to be imprisoned in this room. ”

“Jesus Christ, girl, you’re not in prison.” He’s impatient, frustrated more than angry. He sits up on the side of the bed and reaches down for his jeans, standing up as he yanks them on.

“I’m just saying?—”

“I know what you’re sayin’. But it’s fuckin’ exhaustin’.”

For some reason, the gruffly muttered words stun me. Freeze me. I’ve raised myself up to my knees on the bed, and I remain poised like that, staring at him blankly.

He uses the time to pull on his shirt and stuff his feet into his shoes.

“What’s exhausting?” I finally manage to force out.

“Tryin’ to keep you safe in this goddamn shitty world. What did you think I meant?” He looks bad-tempered but genuinely confused as he stares at me over his shoulder.

The thing is, I actually understand what he’s saying and why he’s saying it.

It’s perfectly understandable. The world has always battered people with its unending heartlessness.

But ever since Impact, every single thing about it has gotten worse, has gotten harder, has gotten rawer and rougher and wilder and more ruthless.

And the more people you’re responsible for, the more difficult and exhausting it gets.

But Levi’s words hurt me anyway. They hurt me so much I lose my balance and sit hard on my folded legs. “I’m sorry to be such a burden on you,” I say in a stilted tone.

“Shit, Hailey, you know I didn’t mean that.” He makes a guttural, exasperated sound. “You comin’ to the river or not?”