Page 46 of Total Dreamboat

Felix

I don’t fall asleep for many hours, and I don’t think Hope does either.

I feel bloody awful.

I didn’t mean to offend her. But I know that I’m right: embracing love as a means of running from your life is no better than running from love to avoid your life falling apart. Neither of us is in a place to make this more than it is.

But Hope wasn’t asking for life advice, and I shouldn’t have offered it. It’s not for me to decide what will make her happy.

It’s just that I want her to have a life she’s excited about.

We all deserve that.

I don’t know why I didn’t work harder to claw my way out when I realized I’d put my foot in it.

Except, maybe I do.

Maybe, at the end of the day, I need for this to be over.

What I didn’t say to her is that I can’t let myself miss her. I can’t let myself pine for a girl abroad, to count the months and weeks and days until I can see her again, and reliably focus on healing the things that I need to fix.

And I meant what I said: I don’t want to hurt her. I want to protect her heart—including from me. Except it’s clear that I’ve bruised it anyway.

So I toss and turn and dread the early hour when the alarm will go off and thrust us into a day of potential bureaucratic missteps followed by many grueling hours of travel—the reward for which will be never seeing each other again.

When the alarm sounds, Hope says good morning to me coolly, and refrains from speaking any more than necessary. Probably healthier than forced cordiality, but I hate the chill.

We take a taxi to the High Commission in silence, then another to Hope’s embassy for her passport. To my shock, everything is in order.

We can actually leave.

We have hours to kill before our flights, but it’s obvious Hope doesn’t want to spend any more time with me, and I’m tired of fried food and boiling weather. I suggest we head to the airport early.

She agrees.

We stand awkwardly in the departures lounge after checking in. Our flights are leaving from opposite ends of the terminal.

“Well, I hope you have a safe journey home,” I say.

“Yeah. You too.”

I open my arms for a hug. I’m half afraid she’ll dodge it, but she taps me halfheartedly on the back. I give her a kiss on the cheek.

“Take care,” I say.

“Bye, Felix.”

And with that, she turns around and walks away.