Page 10 of Too Many Beds

I couldn’t sleep.

With a sigh, I turned around and looked at the empty bed just a few feet away. It was weird being in a room with two beds and only occupying one. Lee and me should’ve stayed together. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so alone.

But I was alone. Shouldn’t I feel alone when I was alone?

I turned the other way and stared at the wall, but it felt too close. Almost like it was closing in. Trapped. I was trapped and couldn’t get out.

I sat up and took a deep breath, pressing my palm to my forehead. Outside, the storm raged. Thunder growled and lightning flashed like strobe lights. Rain pelted the glass, the walls, and the door.

Just like in the last room.

This was the third room I’d been in since we stopped at the motel, and I couldn’t sleep in any of them. Somewhere deep down, I knew my sleeplessness had nothing to do with the room and everything to do with the murder I’d committed.

Every time I almost got to sleep, my hands would start to itch. I’d jerk awake and yank them up to stare at them, expecting them to be covered in blood. There was no reason to expect that. I hadn’t gotten any of Laurent’s blood on me.

The scene replayed in my mind for the thousandth time in slow motion. My finger squeezed the trigger, and the gun barked. Unprepared for the kick, my hand jerked back, and a jolt of pain reverberated down my arm.

And then Laurent was on the ground in a widening pool of blood, his eyes open.

It’d happened so fast. I thought there would be more of a transition between being alive and being dead, but there wasn’t. There was alive, and there was dead and nothing in between. No transition. No time to call for help or to take it all back.

God, how did Lee do it? He had to have nerves of steel. I wish I were more like him . I always have.

The first time I saw Lee, I thought I’d seen a mirage. He looked like a movie star with his hair so perfect and his suit spotless. He was standing on the corner with a bunch of other suits, smoking and waiting next to Boss Fortier’s Benz, bleeding cool into the air. I remember he laughed, and it was like hearing the sound for the first time. I’ll never forget it, or the warm, bright feeling that spread through me after.

I was just some high school dropout back then. A kid with no prospects and no future. Somehow, I wound up being the assistant to Boss Fortier’s personal physician, Hamish Webster. Doc Webster taught me how to take out bullets, suture wounds, and set broken bones. I didn’t have a medical degree, but he said I was just as good.

For five long years, I apprenticed under Doc Webster, never expecting to be more than that.

Then one night, Avi brought Lee to me covered in blood. Doc was out of town with the boss, and I was the only one who could save him. My fingers had trembled so violently, I didn’t think I could do it.

Then Lee grabbed my hand, looked right at me, and said, “You can do this, . I got faith in you.”

The man had a fucking bullet in his gut and still found the strength to give me a pep talk.

After that, I was a complete goner. I didn’t fall head over heels for Lee so much as I tripped into an abyss. Him and me, we were like biscuits and jam, chicken and waffles, shrimp and grits. I never left his side if I could help it, and he didn’t seem to mind.

There were times when it almost felt like he might feel the same way, but…

Well, it was an unspoken rule that was enforced with deadly efficiency. There were no queers in the Fortier family business.

But I’d never seen him with anyone else. Lee never had girls hanging off his arm, didn’t have a wife or girlfriend. The man was like a priest, completely in love with the job and the accompanying lifestyle.

I couldn’t believe he’d walked away from it with me. I kept waiting for him to disappear. Maybe he’d take me to the border and go back, pretend like he didn’t know where I’d went, but he promised he wouldn’t. Acted like leaving was his idea, and that me murdering Laurent was just a happy accident that meant he didn’t have to travel alone.

In my mind, we might as well have been Thelma and Louise, and this was our last ride. I couldn’t fathom escaping the Fortiers’ vengeance, but if I was going to die, I wanted to do it beside Lee, and I wanted him to know how I felt. I just hadn’t worked up the courage to tell him yet.

Tonight could be that night. It might be the only chance I got.

But instead of going to knock on his door to tell him how I felt, I’d just been going from room to room, bed to empty bed, hoping to quiet the demons in my head.

I got up and went to the bathroom, leaning over the sink. A little water on my face didn’t make me feel any better, or help the burning in my eyes. I grabbed my glasses and slid them on, wincing when I saw my bloodshot eyes in the mirror. I needed to shave, and I kept meaning to switch over to contacts instead of glasses, so I didn’t look so much like an antsy nerd. I didn’t look at all like a mobster.

Maybe that was a good thing. At least, it would be in my new life.

My new life . My fingers tightened around the sink and I stared at the water circling the drain. I didn’t want to go to Canada. I didn’t want to change my name or reinvent myself, or to disappear into a mundane fucking life where nothing I did mattered. I sure as hell didn’t want to do it alone, which was what was going to happen if I didn’t march down there and talk to Lee.

Unless he didn’t feel the same way. Then he might slam the door in my face and tell me to fuck off. He might break my fucking heart tonight.

But wouldn’t that be better than never knowing?

Before I could stop myself, I was putting on my shoes for the third time that night. I yanked open the door and was immediately hit with wailing wind and rain. Maybe that was a sign I should stay in my room. If it was, I ignored it.

When I started down the covered walkway to Lee’s room, I was sure of what I wanted to say and how I’d say it. I was even feeling confident when I knocked on his door. But when the door cracked open, and I saw him standing there in nothing but his boxers and his hair mussed from sleep, my brain went blank. All I wanted to do was fall on my knees in the rain like some fucking drama queen and confess that I worshipped the ground he walked on. I always had. I’d do anything to be with him if he’d just tell me what to do.

But I didn’t do anything. I just stood there, shivering in the rain like a fucking tool.

“What is it, ?” Lee asked. His raspy voice made my cock twitch.

Down, boy.

“I…” Go on, you coward. Tell him. Tell him he means everything to you. I swallowed. “I can’t sleep. There are too many beds in my room.”

Oh my fucking god. What a stupid fucking thing to say! Take it back, . Right now! Before he ? —

Lee rubbed his face and sighed. “I know the feeling,” he said and threw the door wide open. “Get in here before you catch your death out there.”