Page 94 of To the Chase

“Hey.” He gave Benjamin a nice, firm pat. “I wanted to see if you—”

I held my arms out. “Yes. I want baby snuggles.”

Grinning, he crossed the room and placed his son in my arms. Jonah was awake and had little milky bubbles at the corner of his rosebud mouth.

“Hi, buddy,” I cooed. “How did you know this was exactly what I needed?”

Ben leaned into me. “I think I might’ve been right,” he whispered teasingly.

Shira gave him a look, but the corner of her mouth twitched, like she was fighting back a smile. Roman sat on the arm of the couch next to her, resting a hand on her shoulder, hers going to his leg. When they were near each other, they were touching. It was sweet, but right now, it made my heart hurt.

I ran a thumb across Jonah’s impossibly soft cheek to distract myself. “He’s squishy and warm and smells delicious. Who could resist him? It’s human nature.”

“Sure, sure,” Ben said with a sage nod. “That’s all this is. And you didn’t hire the surly teen across the street, FaceTime Nellie on a regular basis, and hang out with—”

“Shush,” I hissed. “Just because I tolerate certain kids doesn’t mean I like them in general.”

“Yep. That’s believable,” Ben scoffed.

As if on cue, Jonah gurgled and kicked his chubby feet, and my heart actually ached. Not the kind that had torn me apart earlier. This was a gentler kind, reserved for puppies and babies.

Shira kept her voice low and careful. “Do you think you really don’t do kids, or is it you’re afraid to fall for them and have them taken away again?”

I opened my mouth to answer, but I couldn’t. Yesterday, I would have had confidence in my assertion that I didn’t like children. I’d been telling myself and everyone else that for a solid decade. But now? My chest had been cracked wide open, revealing feelings I hadn’t dealt with—that I’d denied, even to myself.

“I don’t know.” I blinked at her. “I really don’t know.”

“You don’t have to figure it out today,” Shira said gently. “Just be kind to yourself. You went through something terrible. I don’t blameyou for being afraid of going through it again. Just…remember what you said to me a few months ago?”

I squinted at her. “Are you going to throw my own words back at me?”

“No.” She nudged my shoulder. “I’m going to be a good friend and remind you how smart you are.”

Ben rubbed his hands together. “This, I need to hear.”

Shira laughed, but her kind eyes stayed on me. “You said, ‘If you don’t really live, what was the point of everything you did to survive?’”

I choked out a huff. “Well, damn. You got me there.”

Ben scrubbed his chin. “That’s going in my memoir.” Then he arched a brow at me. “Don’t worry, I’ll dedicate it to you.”

I gave him a tired smile. “I’ll buy the first copy. You’ll probably spell my name wrong, but that’s okay.”

“‘To my best friend, Buzz.’” He grinned, and Shira let out a sweet chuckle.

Roman reached his long arm around Shira and me to swat the back of his brother’s head. “Don’t mind him. He’s taken too many head shots on the pitch.”

Ben shrugged him off. “So you hit me again? How’s that helpful?”

“Figured I might knock some sense into you,” Roman replied.

Benji-bear padded over to join the fray. He plopped in front of me, resting his heavy head on my knee. Between petting him and snuggling Jonah, everything else became background noise.

The weight in my chest hadn’t disappeared, not completely, but it was no longer crushing.

I didn’t have answers. I didn’t know what I’d do about Tore, or his kids, or the past I’d spent a decade trying to outrun. For this moment, I was surrounded by people who’d dropped everything to be with me and stayed without asking.

That was enough.