Page 66 of To Free a Soul (Duskwalker Beginnings #2)

For once, she’d like to wake up in his arms and feel all of him, feel warmth, love, affection, like she was the most exquisite woman in existence.

Not nothingness, not cold shadows.

“I want to leave,” Lindiwe eventually stated, uncurling her fists as regretful determination sunk in. “I don’t want to stay here in your realm anymore. I don’t want to be intimate or have sex again.”

“I truly don’t understand what has brought this on. And you’re always so secretive when it comes to your thoughts.”

It was true, and she couldn’t deny that. But I don’t want to tell you I love you, then hear you say it back and not believe it. Or for you not to say it at all. Or try to convince me that this isn’t the best option because, no matter how much I wish it, you will never truly be with me.

Lindiwe cupped her hands together and placed them on her stomach when it rolled with sickly waves.

“I will do as we contractually agreed in the very beginning. I will be your servant, as you asked. If you want more servants, I will grow more Duskwalkers as I promised, but if I’m pregnant from this, I would like to wait a while before having another.

We will use tendrils like in the beginning, in a non-invasive, nonsexual way. ”

She wanted it to feel like a procedure, and not something that had her clawing for more with mind-numbing rapture.

“You’re the one who asked for this in the first place,” Weldir snapped back with a growl.

Her shoulders lifted self-consciously, and she looked down at her knees. “That’s the thing about consent. I can give it, and I can take it away.” Then she fiddled with the seam of her cloak. “And we both know you won’t keep me here to coerce me otherwise.”

He may have done that in the past when she’d refused to climb down from her cliff of anger and hatred towards him and her situation. But it’d only ever been once.

She’d thought it meant he was selfish and manipulative, but one fault over hundreds of years of the opposite exposed the truth. Weldir was kind and patient, but could react in thoughtless anger, just like anyone.

In a mere few hours, he’d attempted to communicate through it even when she refused.

That was one of Lindiwe’s faults: her anger drove her to hold grudges in silence. Something he’d... accepted and often allowed despite how it annoyed him.

Lindiwe peeked at him, and his lack of response and his stillness informed her he had no idea how to change her mind.

I promised myself I wouldn’t feel this way about him, so where did I go wrong? Why did she mix affection with pleasure? Why did he have to disappear and make her realise how much she needed his presence? And not because he aided her, but because he was a comfort in her life, a safe place to be.

She’d gone through so many metamorphoses over the years. From Lindi to Lindiwe. A raven to an owl. From a human to a Phantom to the Witch Owl. From hating Weldir to loving him.

How much could one person change before they lost themselves entirely? But I don’t want to die inside. She didn’t want this pain to become her new form and change her in the worst way possible.

“Does this mean you will ignore me like before?” Weldir asked darkly.

Her drying tears renewed as she offered him a weak and broken smile.

“No. I’ll always answer when you call for me.

I may ask you to help me move across the world quicker occasionally, or for one of my belongings I keep here, but my stay will be limited to those things.

” Her smile grew more tenuous when it wanted to fall.

“Now you can focus entirely on expanding your mist and reach, without worrying about me or my needs.”

His chalky, flaky brows drew together. “Doing so will mean I will likely sleep more to recover what I temporarily lost.”

“I know.” She hated the way the salt in her tears seemed to abrade her swelling cheeks and sting her eyes. “I’d like to leave now. Please.”

A tendril coiled around her ankle. She wanted to tug away from it when it broke her heart a little more, especially as it was likely a sign of his anxiety or sadness.

“At least tell me why, Lindiwe. You were... changing. I’ve known for a while you were growing fond of me, of being here with me.”

“I’m really sorry.” Sincerely, she was sorry, but she also had to protect herself from the one being who could destroy a part of her even he could not heal.

“Why are you telling me all this while crying as if it upsets you?!” he roared, just as his tendril coiled further up her leg. “You are being needlessly confusing, little human!”

Because the answers he sought would only do more damage to both of them. Why deepen his potential mental fondness of her and make him yearn for something that was impossible?

If I’d known I would end up falling in love with you, I never would have given you my soul.

There were many regrets she had in her life, but nothing this horrible, or painful, or made her truly wish she could turn back time and change it.

I wish it wasn’t me you found at the edge of the Veil. It would have been better, and easier, had she just bled out or been eaten.

His tendril squeezed her lightly. There was no malice in it, no cruelty. He was holding on, and she wanted to believe it was because he didn’t want to let her go, fervently, desperately .

And that made her want to change her mind.

Her stomach twisted, but she wanted him to know at least one very important thing. So that he wouldn’t blame himself.

“You did nothing wrong, Weldir,” Lindiwe finally answered, quietly, softly, and with utter sincerity.

“You’re right. I do care about you, and you’ve done everything you can to be patient with me – often when I don’t always deserve it.

But I don’t want to pretend anymore. I also don’t want to pretend that I’m okay anymore.

There are issues that can’t be resolved. ”

“Well, yes, but I am content with how things are.”

“I’m not. There are things I want that I can’t have, and wishing on impossibilities will only break me.” She lifted her gaze to greet his, and she crinkled her eyes with swallowing sadness. “I’ve spent three hundred years making sure that doesn’t happen.”

Lindiwe was on the brink of totally losing her humanity.

What would happen if she did?