Page 48

“You know what? Fuck you,” he spits. “You’re pissed at me for the article—? Fine, that’s fine—”

“—What? No, I—” I’m blinking a lot. Doesn’t matter. He’s talking over me anyway.

“—but just fuckin’ ’round behind my back—? Fuck you.”

My head pulls back. “Are you—are you being for real…right now—?” I shake my head. “Are you cognizant that you are actively hooking up with a girl who isn’t me?”

“Yeah—” He shrugs. “Fuckin’ tit for tat.”

“Joah—” I try to stay calm, try to tell myself that he’s hurt, he’s misunderstood my relationship with Jamie—it’s easy to forget under all his bravado that sometimes , about some things, Joah really is really insecure. “There’s more than you—”

“—nah,” he cuts me off again. “Fuck yourself.”

“You’re being irrational,” I tell him.

“No, I’m not.” He slings an arm around Meghan Miller, who’s looking too pleased with herself, and with the look Lala is giving her, if I were her, I’d be sleeping with one eye open.

“I’m fuckin’ fine,” Joah declares.

I breathe in through my nose. “You will regret this…”

“Nope.” He gives me a cold, tight smile. “Just regret you.”

And there are those kneecaps. I nearly buckle when he says that, but luckily—I suppose?—he keeps going. “We’re done, you and me—” Nods his chin in another direction. “Fuckin’ piss off.”

“Yeah, okay.” I give him a single nod and a warm smile, then I turn.

“Are you okay?” Lala whispers quickly as we walk away. “We can go—”

But we don’t need to go. I have a better idea because, like I said before, I’m not overly religious and I’m not very good at forgiving people either.

“No,” I tell her and give her a controlled smile.

“What are you doing, Ys—?” She shakes her head, already she can tell I’m up to something.

Of course I am. I’d never let a man do that to me in public and get away with it.

Not even if I thought that man was the complete and total utter love of my whole entire absolute life.

“Where are you g—” Then she stops talking as I stop walking, having just planted myself right in front of Richie Harrigan.

Lala’s head pulls back, confused.

I bat my eyes up at him. “Hi.”

He takes in a long breath through his nose. “Alright?”

“Do you like my dress?” I ask him, and his eyes fall down my dress—he looks annoyed about it.

“Aye,” he says.

I smile up at him, pleased. “Did you have a good week?”

Rich tilts his head, says, “Ys, don’t—” at the same time as I hear Joah yell, “Oh fuck on off!” And then he barrels on over, grabbing my arm and yanking me away from his brother.

“Oh!” I blink at him a few times in mock surprise. “I’m sorry, are you no longer fine—?”

“That’s not the same thing,” he says through gritted teeth.

I smile as though I’m not following. “What isn’t?”

“You fuckin’ my brother.”

Richie’s head pulls back. “Sorry—do I get a say in this?”

“Oh my god.” I laugh airily at Jo. “You’re crazy! I said hi .”

Joah’s jaw goes tight. “You said ‘hey’ with your sexy eyes.”

My jaw drops in faux-shock as I look between the brothers. Rich concedes with a grimace, “You did.”

Joah gives his brother a bit of a shove and points a threatening finger in his face. “Don’t you fuckin’ look at her eyes and fuckin’ call them sexy—”

Richie smacks his hand out of his face. “Don’t put your fuckin’ finger in my face if you want to keep it, lad.”

“Oh—” Joah laughs, dry and drunk. “The big man’s here today!”

“Jo—” Rich says, trying to deescalate things. “You’re dr—”

“No, fuck, man—” Joah says to him, his eyes slits. “You wanna take a swing at her, fuckin’ see what happens—”

And then I grab Joah by the arm and yank him a step away.

“Oh my god, do you hear yourself—?” I stare up at him.

“How impossibly unhinged you are? You have spent the last— god knows how long —hooking up in a rather public setting with a girl who isn’t me, despite the fact that you and I are— were , I should say— were in a relationship—and you’re upset because I said hello to your brother . ”

“Yeah!” Joah nods, stubborn. “Why the fuck even would you do that?”

I give him a look as though I think he’s the biggest dope on the whole planet, then turn and walk over to the bar.

Lala orders me a tequila straight.

“Now what?” she asks.

I give her a look out of the corner of my eye.

“Give him a minute…” I tell her.

I understand men. I know how to make them dance for me on strings like little puppets. Am I proud of that—? Fuck, I don’t know. It’s 1995—I don’t have many trump cards in my pocket as a biracial woman, feminine wiles are about all I’ve got, so sorry, boys, it’s a dog-eat-dog world.

Lala looks confused ever so briefly, and then right on cue, Richie Harrigan wanders towards me, eyes pinched. Lala blinks away her surprise and she sort of slides a foot or two away—striking up a conversation with someone she wouldn’t usually talk to, but she’s taking one for the team, I suppose.

“Fuck, you’re trouble.” Richie laughs and my heart pangs because that’s what Joah calls me.

Called . Called , you silly girl.

“Maybe.” I shrug, smiling up at him. “Sometimes.”

“Daft cunt, my brother is,” Rich says, nodding.

“Yes.”

“But—” He gives me a look. “He is my brother.”

I look at him, exasperated. “I. Said. Hey.”

Richie tilts his head to the side, gives me this come on look.

“We know each other pretty alright by now, you and me, don’t ya reckon—?” he says.

I shrug. “I suppose…”

He runs his tongue over his teeth. They both do that. I’d never noticed that they both do that till now.

“There was a look in your eye,” he tells me, but he isn’t cross about it.

“No, there wasn’t,” I tell him, my nose in the air and definitely, 100 percent lying.

“Aye, there was,” he tells me, a bit sternly. “You’re wound up, Ys. Worked yourself right up, which”—he gives me a confused, almost questioning look—“bit fuckin’ rich, that, considerin’ Jamie Cross an’ all…”

I roll my eyes at him. Jamie’s not out.

If Joah had called me and asked me, I would have told him—fuck, Jamie himself would have told him. But I’m not telling anyone his secret for nothing. And now Joah’s for nothing.

“But still, like,” Rich keeps going, “ that ”—he nods his head back over to Joah, who now has Meghan pressed up against a wall, kissing her in a way that, if I were to pay attention to it, would make me violently ill—“is fuckin’ tasteless.

So sure, yeah—fuck him. But, like—you’re also…

I dunno—” He shakes his head, fighting off a smile.

“Christ, you don’t fuck around, do ya, Featherstonhaugh—? You got some fight in ya.”

My nose goes back in the air. “I don’t know to what you’re referring.”

“I mean—” Rich gives me a pointed look. “If I’d said, ‘Aye, go on then,’ would you have dragged me into the bogs there an’ then?”

I straighten myself up. “I don’t even know what ‘bogs’ are.”

He drags his hand over his mouth, wiping away a smile that probably—admittedly—shouldn’t be there. “Yeah, you do.”

“Yes, I do.” I laugh once and then so does he, then I shake my head, watching him out the side of my eye. “And you would have had a good time.”

He nods coolly. “I know I would have,” he says—fuck—it’s the strangest thing? I think I blush a bit. Weird.

Richie looks a tiny bit pleased, but there’s something else there on his face too. Some type of trepidation… “Ys, I can’t have that kinda time with ya.”

“Why—?” I roll my eyes. “Do you guys have some rule about ‘cross over’?”

“Nah—” He shakes his head. “Just don’t fuck about with anyone our kid’s in love with.”

I stare over at him, my heart suddenly feeling all heavy.

“He doesn’t love me,” I tell him.

“Yes,” Rich says solemnly. “He does.”

“No,” I insist. “He says he does, but he doesn’t.”

Rich shakes his head. “He says he does, doesn’t act like he does because he don’t know a fuckin’ thing about it—but he does.” He gives me a look, trying to make his point. “Loves you as much as someone can love another person when they’ve never really seen…you know, love like—”

I blink up at him, a bit thrown by that actually.

“That was absolutely far too soft for you, Richie Harrigan!” I scrunch my face up at him. “What’s going on? You never defend him—”

He shrugs, unbothered. “I’m on E.”

“Ah.” I sniff, amused. “That makes sense.”

And there’s this strange, weighty pause between us, and he’s watching me—eyes suddenly heavy.

“I would. Just so y’know.” He nods to himself. “If ya weren’t his like…”

My heart’s gone funny. Beating so fast, I think it trips itself out of rhythm. Have you ever had the feeling that you’re playing with fire? I haven’t—not till now. There’s something about it, actually.

“I’m not…” I say, my voice barely louder than a whisper. “Now. Not anymore.”

“Nah—” Richie shakes his head. “Y’are. Mightn’t wanna be, but you are.”

He gives me this strange look and this sort of resigned shrug—a bit like he’s sorry, a bit like he could be sad about it—then he nods subtly to his left.

“There’s an American actor in the corner who’s been staring at your legs since the fuckin’ second you walked in.”

I lift my eyebrows. “How do you know that?”

Richie moves in close to me, his mouth by my ear—by far the closest we’ve ever been to one another. “Because I’ve been watchin’ your legs since you walked in.”

Our eyes catch how they probably shouldn’t, then he clears his throat.

“Real pretty boy—” He motions his chin towards the American again. “More your speed.”

He starts backing away.

“What do you know about my speeds?” I call after him.

“I know ya speeds—” He rolls his eyes at me. “We’re mates, remember? You and me.”

And then he disappears into the crowd.

I take a second to take a breath and compose myself because that was—nothing. That wasn’t anything, was it—? I’m just tired. Looking for male attention, that’s all.

Which, speaking of—I’m in desperate need of it right now—what with Joah about to get Meghan Miller fucking pregnant in the corner over there.