Page 49 of Thirsty

To: [email protected]

Date: May 3, 1:12 AM

Subject: Summer Wedding in Hell

Dear Crone,

Am I the only one who cannot follow wedding dress codes anymore? I’ve been invited to a commitment ceremony between two Litches of the Eastern Frozen Gate, and the dress code is Tortured Casual. What the hell does that mean?

Sincerely,

Die, Wedding Wear

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: May 12, 4:16 PM

Subject: AITA?

Dear Wise Old Crone,

I’m sick of people choosing my stepsister over me just because she’s undead. Like yes, I support reanimatedpeople of all mystic origins, but she literally STOLE my boyfriend while she was alive, murdered him, killed herself, and then arranged for them to be reanimated together so they could run off as immortal corpses. (And now they’re engaged.)

Like, what the fuck??? All my friends think it’s “so romantic,” they’re even posting photos from the graveside shower and the reanimation party and just—I just want to go NC with both of them and maybe even a few friends over this. I’m not wrong to be mad, right?????

Sincerely,

The Best Revenge is Living, Period

Wise Old Crone

How Exactly Does One Fuck a...

Point me to the encyclopedia of monsterfucking, please!

June 9

Dear Wise Old Crone,

This is so embarrassing. I don’t even know if you can help me. But here goes: there’s this guy I work with, and...we’re not really supposed to hook up with coworkers, but ever since this guy got transferred into my group, there’s been a spark between us. More than a spark, really—a blaze, a fireball, an all-consuming veil offlame. Because, in addition to our wild sexual tension, this guy is literally a dragon.

And Crone, he’s so hot; we made out after a work happy hour last week, and he keeps texting me. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I invite him over, but—he’s a dragon! What the fuck does that mean? How does he look (and feel) like a human right now? And what does that mean for his...

I don’t even know what I want to know about fucking a dragon. And I have no idea where to find out more! I don’t want to feel like some awkward stuttering virgin when we get together (so not my scene), but how can I avoid that when there’s no INFO out there about what to expect?

Tl;dr—I want to ride the dragon dick, but I’m fluttery and scared. What do you advise?

Sincerely,

Wannabe Monsterfucker

Dear Wannabe,

Take to your fainting couch and assail yourself of smelling salts. Anyone hoping to seduce a creature of the paranormal, mythic, occult, or bestial persuasion needs to be made of stern stuff—especially if they are human. Such affairs are not to be taken lightly.

I wish I could answer your questions, delicately phrased as they are, but I don’t have a manual or compendium on fucking dragons-in-human-form (I guess I’d tentatively come out as against fucking him in full-on dragon form, but I’d need more details). And why would I? Instructions on sex between humanscan be maddeningly hard to come by. For the most part, we all learn the same way: curious whispers and awkward talks with parental figures, lewd rumors and startling diagrams, lurid flashing screens and fumbling, sweaty attempts.