Page 34 of These White Lies

ELIZABETH

4 Years Ago

I’m notsure how I feel.

After we’d finished and mystery man disposed of the condom, he helped me back into my dress.

He.

I just had sex with this man, and I don’t have the first clue what his name is. Despite that… Ifeellike I know him.

Should I just ask? Would that be awkward?

Thanks for the absolutely mind-blowing orgasms, maybe we should exchange first names. Or maybe numbers?

Because I would definitely like a repeat performance.

That was… I don’t even know how to explain what that was. I’ve never allowed myself to surrender like that. To be that free, in the moment. Not worrying about how I looked or how I sounded, or pretending to feel something I don’t to spare his feelings.

That hadn’t been necessary. Mystery man is gifted.

But it was more than that. The things I admitted, were things I haven’t been brave enough to admit even to myself. And heaccepted them, as if a stranger baring her soul and weaknesses was perfectly normal. Strangely… I feel relieved that they are out. That I told him.

“Thank you.” The words slip free, but I don’t regret them.

He kisses the side of my head with an affection that strangely doesn’t feel out of place.

I’m sitting sideways across his lap in the leather desk chair, legs tucked loosely over his. His shirt is unbuttoned beneath his jacket, and I rest my cheek against his warm skin. Any minute now he’s going to get up and this surreal interlude will be over.

Back to the real world.

He hums low in his chest, then shifts under me until I meet his eyes.

“No,” he says with a slow smile that makes something curl deep in my belly. “Thank you.”

He toys with my hair, stroking it gently. It had mostly fallen out of its updo, and without a mirror to fix it, I settled for pulling the pins out.

My laugh is a little shaky. “I mean it. I…”

It’s hard to put into words the feelings rushing through me, but he waits quietly for me to continue.

I study his face. He trusted me by taking off his mask, and I want to return the favor. Make him understand what he did for me.

“Everything that’s happened in the last few years… It chipped away at me. Bit by bit.”

I glance at his mask still lying on the desk beside us and think about the fact that I’ve already let him see more of me than anyone else.

“I tried so hard to be what I thought I wassupposedto be, only to realize life turned out nothing like I thought it would.” I shake my head. “This isn’t coming out right.”

He gives me a small smile. “I understand.”

“Do you?” I search his eyes.

“I’ve lost myself in my job, too. Didn’t even realize how it was changing me… and not in a good way.”

I nod vigorously. “Exactly. I was terrified that after what happened with my ex, and the greed and dishonesty I encounter with my job, that this is just who I am now. Cold. Closed off. Suspicious of everyone.” I meet his eyes. “You reminded me that some of that fire might still be inside me. I’m just afraid I won’t be able to find it again.”

“You don’t need to be afraid, Firefly. That spark is just below the surface. Give it some room to breathe, and then you can burn bright whenever you want.” He smiles. “Like they say in the ring, ‘It’s not whether you get knocked down. It’s whether you get back up.’”