Page 15 of The Withering Dawn (Wicked Tides)
I stood on the beach, my bare feet buried halfway in the soft sand as the waves gently swayed back and forth around my ankles. It was chilly that day. The clouds continued to move in front of the sun, casting giant shadows over Dornwich that fed an uncomfortable itch under my skin, but I supposed I would always have those feelings now that I was not on that island. Everything was strange. Everything was scary. I had to get used to it.
Before me, the open ocean stretched out as far as I could see, giant, monstrous, and swelling with danger. Perhaps it was no different than the danger on land or on a ship, but those kinds of dangers I was familiar with.
One day.
One day I would return to the water… maybe.
I heard Nikolas approaching before I saw him. He appeared in my peripheral, tapping my shoulder. I turned to see him offering half an apple. I took it graciously, holding it for a moment. Apples were one of my favorites. They were sweet and juicy and they’d always been given to me on days the men of the Order were in good spirits. They were a good omen. A smile teased the corner of my mouth as I lifted it to my lips and took a bite.
“Thank you,” I said.
He nodded in response, taking a bite of his half. I watched him stare out into the sea, same as I had been, while he chewed, and considered how difficult it was to chew food without a tongue. The fact that his could never grow back made me sympathize, despite that he didn’t seem to be having any issues. He took another bite before turning to look at me, lifting his chin as if to ask why I was staring.
“Do you wish you could speak?” I asked.
He shrugged, sliding his free hand into the pocket of his trousers. He gestured to his eyes first and then to his surroundings. Then at his ears and then at his surroundings again. I nodded, understanding.
“I know. Many things are clearer when you do not have a voice to contribute.”
He nodded with a long, heavy sigh. When he finished his apple, he tossed the seeded core into the ocean with a strong throw. I continued nibbling on mine, savoring every bite like it was my last.
“Will you help the others when it comes to it?” I asked. “Will you help them kill Antonio?”
“Mmm,” he hummed, shaking his head and sticking his other hand in his pocket.
“You don’t care to get your revenge?”
Another shrug and a slight wrinkle of his nose said he didn’t have the stomach for it.
“Do you think it will change anything?”
He shifted his weight, pressing his hands down on his shoulders as if to indicate a large weight. And then he lifted them away and ran them down his body as if to flick away a layer of dust.
“You’ll be free of that burden,” I deduced. “Free, in general, to go and live as you please.” I paused for a moment, glancing back at the monstrous ocean, aware that I should not be so afraid of it. But I was. “Do you think I can come with you?”
He tapped my arm, indicating the water and moving his hand about like an eel as if to tell me I could swim away anytime.
I shook my head. “It frightens me. Too much space. Too much darkness. Too many unknowns. I wish I could swim those waters, but I suppose I am a coward. All I’ve known are tight spaces.”
Again, we stood in silence and despite his inability to talk, I could hear Nikolas thinking. Finally, he tapped me again and gestured toward the trees. I glanced back at the thick foliage and saw nothing. When he pointed at the sea, I started to understand his meaning.
“There is water there?” I asked.
He nodded, bringing his hands close in front of him as if to indicate something small.
I contemplated it for a moment, wondering if perhaps a smaller body of water would warm me up to the sea. I doubted it very much, but either way, it was a good way for me to be alone with my thoughts. I inclined my head at Nikolas and turned toward the trees.
“Perhaps I will visit it,” I said.
He nodded, scratching at the scruff along his chin. As I walked to the trees, I could feel the air growing more stagnant and humid. The sand turned to fallen leaves, dirt, and twigs that crunched under my soles. There was no trail to follow and barely any space to navigate without having to duck under a branch or step over a root. But I could smell the fresh water before I saw it. It wasn’t like the sea. Fresh water smelled like innocence and serenity whereas the sea smelled wild and uncontrolled.
I reached a small clearing, glancing back to memorize which direction I’d come from. When I entered the clearing, I could hear the trickling sound of a small waterfall running through the rocks and moss. Fallen fruit on the ground from the tall palms made the banks smell sweet. I took a deep breath, savoring the wonderful solitude and the way the sun’s rays beamed down through spaces in the branches above. I walked further to see the light glistening like gold off the rippling surface of a pool. The water was crystal clear with a few leaves floating along the top.
I let out a deep breath like I’d only just remembered how to relax as I stepped closer to the edge of the pond. I could see the bottom from where I stood, all covered in stones and sunken logs. The dormant, strangled part of me that wanted to feel that agonizing change pulled at my wounded soul, begging to be unleashed, but just the thought of changing made my palms sweat. The distant memories of watching my legs break and bend and fuse together into one, thick appendage haunted me. I’d only done it once or twice before my mother had left my life and the brothers of the Order forbade the shift from ever happening again.
Staring at the cool, inviting water, I wondered if I could endure it now after many years enduring things I was certain were far worse. I could never be complete without knowing all of myself. Of that, I was certain.
Glancing over my shoulder like someone might walk through the trees at any moment, I prepared my body and my mind for what might follow in the next few moments. I didn’t want to be afraid. Fearful was how the Order wanted me and I was no longer theirs.
Slowly, I started to strip out of my dress, peeling the thin material off my shoulders until the whole thing fell to the ground. I stepped out of it and then picked it up, draping it neatly over a large stone within reach of the water if I needed to put it on quickly. Taking a deep breath of the calming aromas in the clearing, I stepped closer to the pool, letting my toes touch the water.
If I could stomach hard punishment, starvation, and degradation, I could stomach the part of me that was of the sea. The part of me that my mother gave me.
I inched closer until the water covered my feet.
I was a siren. The sea and the salt were in my blood. Yri were not meant to fear it.
I walked on, sinking into the pond until the water surrounded my legs.
“I am of the sea,” I whispered, trying to get control of my trembling hands.
The deepest part of the pool was right in front of me, beckoning me forward. I slipped a little deeper, closing my eyes.
“I am of the sea,” I whispered again.
Sharp, shooting pain lanced across my ribs first, stealing my breath. I gritted my teeth, enduring. It was no worse than when Jacob took a wooden cane to the backs of my thighs.
But then the pain radiated downward and I felt the terrible, gnawing sensation in my muscles. My bones. I felt my joints separating. Cracking. I felt my skin stretching. Splitting. I let out a breath on a whimpering cry as I fell forward into the water, submerging myself completely. The water choked me, filling my mouth and throat and flooding my still-human lungs. I writhed under the surface, trying to push the water out through the gills that opened between my ribs, but it was so hard to focus when my legs felt as if they were being skinned by a dull knife. I screamed, my voice muffled by the surrounding water as I sunk to the floor of the pool. Opening my eyes, I saw nothing but blood clouding my vision. My blood.
My bones continued to break and split and reform anew, pushing through changing muscle until my legs were no more and in their place, a long, red tail twice the length of the legs I once had. It was so much bigger than I remembered. The scales were fine, a mix of copper and crimson with fins to match. And finally, as I stared at my unfamiliar bottom half, I felt my gills open up. I breathed deep, laying flat on the bottom of the pool staring up at the light glistening above me through thinning clouds of blood. My hair, barely distinguishable from the red water, floated up around my head, putting a rouge filter on everything.
For a long time, I lay there, feeling myself in my new body. The body I’d been born with. It was so familiar and yet so horrifyingly foreign. I felt both liberated and trapped by it. And when I finally started to move my tail, the unbound power in my lower muscles almost startled me. The pool was far too small for me to move as freely as I wished, but it was the price I had to pay for fearing the sea too much. I coiled around, my tail following my torso’s movements like an eel. Every rough surface of the rocks could be felt down its flexible length, but it was almost too sensitive. I shuddered at the strange sensations, reaching back to run my fingers over the smooth texture.
Gods, I had done it. Whispers of the pain it took to change forms still tingled along my spine, but I’d done it. A large part of me was proud of that, despite that I was in a small pond rather than under the salty waves from which I was born. It was something.
It was more than I’d done the day before.
Now, the idea of changing back was toying with my mind…