Page 20 of The Winter Goddess

Fionn’s Tale

Fionn took a deep breath, and then the words began to tumble out of him as though he’d been waiting a long time. “The first part of the story is true. Fia was my sister, my twin. And she was hungry. I did find berries one day, and I thought only of her hunger when I told her about them. I did not know all those berries would cost me. Fia decided that the only thing that would cure her hunger—our hunger, was godhood—and she set out to be kind, good, wise. All the things that Danu prized.”

All the things Danu claims to prize , I thought bitterly. Mór had all of them, every single one, and Danu had not given her godhood.

“But nothing she did worked,” Fionn continued. “Danu did not turn her eye to her again. So one year, on winter solstice, Fia went back to Síd in Broga. She brought one of my sharp bronze knives and she…she dragged the knife down her arm, marking the Ogham for sacrifice.” Fionn shuddered, then took a sharp breath. “Fia had always hated the sight of blood, but she watched it anyway and refused to let herself be afraid. She bowed her head and called to Danu, begged for the godhood her heart so desired.”

I sucked in a breath, suddenly sure that Danu had just left her there, had let her bleed and bleed—

“Danu came.”

I breathed out again.

“But she was angry, her eyes glittering, and even before she spoke, Fia knew to be afraid.”

“?‘Mortals do not become gods,’ the goddess proclaimed to her. ‘Not anymore.’ She placed her hand on Fia’s cheek, but the gesture was not tender, her hand hot as a poker fresh from the fire. ‘I am tired of hearing your voice, child. Do not call on me again.’?” Fionn let out a long sigh. “When Fia returned later that night, she was distraught and told me the whole story. And we agreed”—Fionn’s hands were fisted together—“we agreed that she would give it up. That it was too dangerous to continue her quest for godhood. I even said that I would travel the roads with her, that I would become a seanchaidhe as she wished, if only…” He trailed off, and I wanted to reach out and hold him. But his body was stiff, as though it were costing him all he had to tell this story, and I thought that if I touched him, he might fall apart.

“She pushed me to go east, and I agreed. With every step she seemed to become lighter, more joyous, and I was convinced it had worked—I had won her smile back. We arrived at a tavern after days of walking, and as I went to ask for lodging, I overheard her speaking to someone, asking where she might find the place that Danu was rumored to have been born when she was a mortal herself. It was then I realized that she’d tricked me, that her quest for godhood was not over, but in fact had begun anew.” Fionn put a hand over his face. “It sounds so foolish now, how could I not see the truth? But I was young, and I loved her with all my heart. I wanted to believe that I had brought her back from the darkness.

“?‘Why isn’t this enough?’ I demanded when I confronted her, voice an ache in my throat. I gestured at the fields stretching green and gold around us, at the twinkling lights of the little village we could see in the distance.

“?‘It can’t be enough,’ Fia said. ‘Fionn, don’t you understand? It can’t be.’

“?‘I will make certain you never want for anything. I promise.’ I held out my hand and looked at her, sure that she would take it. My sister. My twin. My heart.

“Fia backed away. ‘You cannot make that promise.’ She shook her head. ‘Only a god can. And you are not a god.’?”

I could picture her so clearly, though Fionn had never described her, could picture her thin, sharp face, her golden hair clouding around her like a halo.

“?‘Neither are you,’ I pled with her.

“?‘But I will be.’ Fia lifted her chin as she told me this. ‘With or without you, Fionn. I will become a god. And I will make sure’—she swept her arm as though she were encompassing all the world in her gesture—‘I will make sure no one is ever hungry again.’?”

Fionn sniffed, wiped at his eyes. “I refused to go with her. Said it was too dangerous, and we parted ways.” He reached his hands toward me, as though pleading with me to understand. “I thought she would come back eventually, and so when I went to Síd in Broga on one cold winter’s day, I did so only to feel close to her again. I did not expect to find her body lying there, among the other treasure and sacrifices that the jealous gods demanded.”