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CHAPTER 35 CASS

January 2007

Los Angeles

Most nights that first week after we parted ways, I lay awake and whispered softly, again and again, Come here, come here, come here , believing with my full body that if I emitted enough desire, she would feel it across the hall. Finally, she did come. And that kind of ache, teetering on the edge of overwhelm, I’d never felt before. It was bold, but when I guided her hand down to feel me, my mouth was open by her ear and I thought for a moment I wouldn’t be able to form words, that all of my life force had pooled to the center, leaving nothing else functioning, but then finally I mastered myself and whispered, “You’re what I want,” and I let the words blend together with my breath so that it was a feeling passed more than a sentence said.

It was the best night of my life. I

I . Note from Cate: Nothing compares to this first night with Ryan. We didn’t fall asleep until dawn, and then just for an hour or two, the softness of her naked body wrapped around mine and me lying awake in awe at how good she felt, how I’d been as close to her as possible—inside her, even—and yet all I wanted was to be closer. How , I remember thinking that night, could we get even closer? (The second-best night of my life was when the local newspaper reviewed our play junior year and wrote that Amanda and I had “star power”; we sat on the dock for hours, feet dangling in the lake, reading the review aloud to each other.)