Page 90 of The Secret Life of the Elusive Governess

Gulping another drink, the pieces slid themselves together in his mind. Nicholas’ eyes were neither his or his mother’s. Nicholas’ ruddy skin was not his or his mother’s, either. The boy was of a surly nature, one Moses had never had in his youth, and detachment from any and everything around him was another clue.

However, the boy did look after his sister, he did take his lessons to heart, and he was brave. That had to count for something…most of all, Nicholas called him Father, with the requisite respect. With all the pain, Moses found a tiny reason to smile. The boy was his, blood or not. He would never, in his life, desert him. Turning back to the table, Moses continued to read.

I grew to like you, Moses, I truly did but then I could not hold in my pain for much longer after Nicholas was born. I do not want to hurt you, Moses but I kept seeing Sebastian instead of you. I kept hearing him instead of you. I kept wanting to be with him instead of you. My heart cried for him, Moses. There were times when I felt that being with you was unbearable and that I could never love you as I did him.

I became hard and intolerable because I hated myself for damning you to this marvelous mockery while you thought it a normality. I hated seeing you looking at me as if I was the one jailing you to this marriage when it was all my father’s doing. I could not see my way out of this void until I recognized that you needed someone else, just as I need someone else. You needed Miss Robins just as I needed Sebastian.

I hated Miss Robins because she had all that I did not. She was educated, beautiful, but most of all she had freedom, I did not even remember what freedom felt like. She has no children, all has the opportunities in the world to find love, to live her life and be happy on her terms. While married to you, I have none of those and I hated her for it. Moreover, she could relate to you on a level, an intellectual level that I could not.

Please know, Moses, Josephine is your child. That precious girl is the perfect combination of you and me. She will need you more than ever when I am gone, Moses. I hate to depart in such a cowardly nature but I cannot imagine looking you in the eye and telling you all this. My guilt would have overcome me and your look of remorse would have put me in my grave.

I am truly sorry, Moses, but even as I was married to you, I had not let go of a connection with Sebastian. I could not, he truly loves me and me, him. Before Josephine was taken, he contacted me and told me that he was coming for me, even as I am still married to you. He told me that he had suffered long enough and he cannot see his life in any sort of fulfilment without me. That evening when you told me you were in love with Miss Robins, I was burdened to do the same but the words would not come out. I could not blame you for finding love, Moses, when I had done the same.

Sebastian arrived and I could not resist him. One meeting of his eyes and I was lost, Moses. I could not deny myself the love I have longed for, for many, many years. I know this is very shameful of me to run off this way but please understand, Moses. I know you will be happy with Miss Robins as much as I will be happy with my old love.

I wish you all the happiness with her, Moses, just as I know I will have the happiness I have longed for. I am leaving my children to you and her because this is the best option for them. You both can do a much better job of raising our children than I could. Attached to this letter is a signed written confession of my crime in case you want to pursue a divorce. Please find it in your heart to forgive me.

Lavinia.

Flipping the letter over, Moses saw the confession written by Lavinia’s hand and pressed his lips tightly. It was a carefully crafted admission of her infidelity after they had gotten married, which saved Nicholas from the state of being a bastard before the fact.

Hunching over, Moses dropped the papers and pressed his hands to his eyes. Disbelief was still running through him. Lavinia’s words had dug deep within him and had carved out a hollow pit in the middle of his stomach.

She truly is gone.

“Moses?”

Listlessly lifting his head, Moses sat back and gestured for Caroline to come forward. She came with a puzzled look on her face and rested a hand on his shoulder. Reaching up, he cupped her hand with his and then drew her close. As she was standing, he pressed his hot forehead on her stomach and felt her hand comb through his hair.

“When did you come back?”

“Just a few moments ago and I could not find you.” Caroline replied, “What is paining you?”

“She’s gone, Caroline,” Moses’ words were empty and hollow. Though theirs had been a loveless marriage, they had shared many a year of their lives together. Her leaving still hurt. “She ran away with her lover and she is gone.”

“I… I did not know she had it in her,” Caroline whispered, her surprise apparent.

“Neither did I.”

Pulling back, the Duke sat and tugged Caroline to sit on his lap. Handing her the letter he wordlessly asked her to read it while he rested his stinging eyes on Caroline's shoulder. He wrapped his arms around her while she read it, and he knew exactly when she was finished because her body had tensed.

“I-I,” her voice broke, “I am so sorry, Moses.”

Taking the letter from her Moses looked at it once more and dropped it, “I am… upset but not heartbroken. It seems wrong now but she did the right thing, Caroline…I believe the moment I told her that I was in love with you, she put this in motion. She followed her heart and, by doing so, allowed us to do the same.”

He felt when she shifted on his lap, “And what of Nicholas…are we…?”

“No,” Moses said with a shake of his head, “I cannot and will not deny him even with this revelation. He is still my son and I know you care for him as yours. If you consent, my love, when we get married, we will raise him as ours. I know it will be a lot to adjust to, but I know, with time, it will be well.”

Caroline smiled slyly, “You did not need to ask. Would you like to tell him after he graduates Eton, or… never mention it at all?”

Moses laughed and tucked her closer after hearing her inflexion on the word ‘we’, “I would like the latter, you have read my mind.”

Her hand ran over his hair and down his jaw, “Will you have me as yours, Moses? A daughter of a Baron that masqueraded as a governess, that might cause you a scandal?”

“I should be the one asking you that question,” Moses murmured as he nudged Caroline’s hand, “I suppose we truly are meant for each other…if you are ready to be married to a man that was tricked into a marriage, with a son that is not his, and a wife that eloped with her former lover and will be the center of a scandal for years, but who does not care?”

“I am delighted to.” Caroline smiled, “Scandal or not, you are a wonderful man ...” She shrugged, “If the gossipers cannot handle the truth, they are invited to construct all the rumors they can and be satisfied with those.Qu'ils mangent de la brioche.”

Moses laughed the sincerest laugh he had in weeks. “Let them eat cake, my love, let them eat cake.”

The End?