Page 6

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From the text messages of Ziggy and Holt

Ziggy: Good morning. (Afternoon? Where are you in Europe? Which time zone? If you want to tell me. Which you don’t have to. But I was texting with my roommate from the ship yesterday and she said the weather’s been super hot over there too. I hope you’re in a cooler area.) I got moved in quick and easy yesterday. Thank you for the note about which bedroom to use and for the contractor schedules. Jessica and I went on a walk today and one of the neighbors recognized her and asked if I was your girlfriend. Something happened with my mouth and I told her that I’m your kept woman. It won’t happen again, but I thought you should know in case your neighbor texts you.

Holt: Which neighbor?

Ziggy: I’d say “the older one,” but I realized you’re right. The average age in this neighborhood has to be at least seventy-five. This one was watering a bed of white flowers three houses down .

Holt: Ok

Ziggy: Once on the ship, a colleague told a guest that he was dating me. That guest thought we were cute, and by the end of the cruise, neither of us could work a shift without at least four people congratulating us on our engagement. It was awkward. Especially when someone posted a congrats to us on their socials and his boyfriend saw. I know better than to spread relationship rumors and I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.

Holt: Ok

Ziggy: Thanks for understanding. Glad we had this talk.

Ziggy, two days later: Does Jessica have any toy restrictions?

Holt: What does that mean?

Ziggy: I took her to a dog park this morning before my interview and she was trying to eat a toy that was half her size. I got a little worried that she’d hurt her neck.

Holt: No small toys. Big toys are fine.

Ziggy: Choking hazards are being avoided. Unrelated—I got a new job and once I get official documentation of steady income again for the loan company, I’ll be making an offer on a house too, but I won’t leave Jessica hanging if I move in to my new place before you get back.

Holt: O k

Ziggy: Is this a bad time to text you?

Holt: No

Ziggy: Is this a good time to text you?

Holt: It’s fine

Ziggy: Great. The plumber came by this afternoon to take some measurements and he said that the bathtub you picked for the hallway bathroom won’t fit without moving a wall. Would you rather pick a new bathtub or move a wall?

Holt: Pick a new bathtub

Ziggy: I’ll have him send you options.

Holt: Don’t care. You pick

Ziggy: You want me to pick a new bathtub?

Holt: Yes

Ziggy: What if I have bad taste?

Holt: It’s a bathtub

Ziggy: But is your style more clawfoot, tin bucket, or standard boring white porcelain?

Holt: Keep it in the budget

Ziggy: Great. Does the plumber have the budget? Or do I need to guess about it?

Holt: Plumber has it

Ziggy: You’re not even going to ask what a tin bucket bathtub is?

Holt: Will it hold a person?

Ziggy: Yes. And I don’t think it’s actually called a tin bucket style. I’d have to look up the official name.

Holt: Then it’s fine

Ziggy: I’d go clawfoot myself.

Holt: Great

Ziggy: But maybe not in your bathroom. The vanity wouldn’t match, and you’d need a European-style shower curtain setup, which might not fly in the US.

Holt: I’ll call the plumber tomorrow

Ziggy: Probably best.

Ziggy, another three days later: My sister met Jessica today and thinks she’s amazing and wants to do a social media page for your dog. I told her no, but if you want Jessica to be a small-time internet star, let me know and I can make it happen.

Holt: N o

Ziggy: Thanks for confirming! I’ll pass along the definitive answer. Also, I unfortunately had to leave that last job (morning sickness is the absolute devil and I miss wine), and my offer on the house fell through, so it’s no problem to stay with Jessica until you’re back.

Ziggy, three more days later: I met Mrs. Massery today. She asked if you’ll be back in time to buy a discount card from her grandson? I don’t actually know what that means, but I got the feeling you would.

Holt: I’ll send her cash. Feel free to use the card

Ziggy: Not to be obtuse, but discount for what?

Holt: Restaurants usually. Maybe an oil change

Ziggy: The last time I got my oil changed, I ended up pregnant.

Holt: Ok

Ziggy: That was a joke.

Holt: Yeah

Ziggy: A bad one.

Holt: Happens

Ziggy: I’ll try to make better jokes in the future. Maybe I’ll try limericks. There was a guest on one of my cruises who only spoke in limerick. It was funny at first, and then it got annoying. No one was sad when the cruise was over. Except maybe his wife. She had to listen to them all on her own after they left. Or so I assume.

Ziggy: Speaking of limericks, I heard there used to be a player on the Thrusters who trash-talked in haiku. Do you lacrosse players ever do stuff with the hockey guys? Is that true?

Holt: Sometimes and yes

Ziggy: Do you have any habits when you’re on the field?

Holt: The pitch

Ziggy : You pitch on the field?

Holt: Never mind

Ziggy: OH. It’s a lacrosse PITCH. I get it now.

Holt: *thumbs up emoji*

Ziggy, another four days later: It just occurred to me that you’re paying my electric and water and gas bills while I’m staying here. Can I help with those?

Holt: No

Ziggy: You’re not here using them.

Holt: Don’t care

Ziggy: Is this like the same thing where the plumber dropped off a pie that he said you bought from his kid’s baseball team fundraiser? Am I another fundraiser?

Holt: No

Ziggy: That’s comforting. Thanks for the talk. Let me know if you change your mind about letting me pay for utilities.

Ziggy, two days after that: The plumber had an unexpected opening and can start tomorrow, but the new bathtub isn’t arriving until next week. There’s a possibility they could do rush shipping, but it would cost $$$. I told them both to stick to the original schedule unless they hear back from you otherwise in the next six hours.

Holt: Ok

Ziggy: Also, the white flower neighbor lady apparently told the Range Rover lady that I’m your cousin and that I make bad jokes. When I’m eighty-three, I want to drive a Range Rover too. She looks badass.

Holt: Ok

Ziggy: *picture of Jessica wearing a necklace made of white flowers* And Jessica is doing well. She likes wearing sunglasses.

Holt: Ok

Ziggy, one day later: Someone named Red dropped off a lasagna last night. They apologized for taking ten months to bring it by and said the next time one of your family members dies, they’ll try to not be awkward about it and take too long. They also asked me to not tell you that part, but I remember when my grandma died (way different, I know, it’s just the only experience I remember with death, since I was three when my dad died) and how I just wanted people to quit whispering about it without talking to me about it straight to my face. But also, death is really hard. And Red cares.

Holt: I don’t know a Red

Ziggy: Seriously?

Holt: Seriously

Ziggy: I thought maybe he said Fred, but the card says Red. *picture of a sympathy card very clearly signed RED*

Holt: Huh

Ziggy: Maybe he knew your brother?

Holt: Must be

Ziggy: Or else he knew someone else with the same name as your brother and got confused and my sister is now eating someone else’s grief lasagna. I gave it to her because it made my stomach revolt.

Holt: Ok

Ziggy: Am I annoying you? Ok is what you say to people when you want them to go away.

Holt: N o

Ziggy: That’s all you’re gonna give me?

Holt: Yes

Ziggy: At least you have a very comfortable house. I’m breaking in the oven. Also, my mother insisted on sending her cleaning crew over. And her yard service.

Holt: I have a yard service

Ziggy: You haven’t met my mother. I love her, and I have met her, and for your sake, I hope you never do.

Holt: Ok

Ziggy: How’s your lacrosse camp?

Holt: Fine

Ziggy: Good. It would be terrible if it was less than fine.

Ziggy, four days later: FYI, I was hearing noises from your bedroom, so I went in to investigate, and it turns out the hallway toilet is having some issues. Weird that the sound came from your room—at least, I assume that’s your room?—but that’s how I found it. The plumber turned off the water supply to that whole bathroom. He thinks you should move up the renovations so he can get in there and make sure there aren’t bigger issues. Also, the tub has arrived, so he can.

Ziggy, twelve hours later: In case my last text didn’t come through, the plumber needs to talk to you about the hallway bathroom. He’s been trying to call, which I’m sure you’ve seen, but he asked me to reach out again too.

Ziggy, eight hours after that: Not to be a pest, but you usually answer within an hour or two no matter what time I send you a message. Are you okay?

Ziggy, four hours later: I know I’m basically just your house sitter, but if you could let me know that you’re okay, I’d be grateful. I’m getting worried about you. Oddly enough, I do know how to file a missing persons report in four European countries. But I don’t actually know which country you’re in or what part of that country, and when I googled lacrosse camps, I couldn’t find any for adults. It turns out I worry about people when I’m living in their houses, which is the only reason I looked it up. And I could just have bad google skills. Or didn’t actually know what I was looking for. Sorry to be a bother, I’d just really appreciate knowing you’re okay.

Ziggy: Hello?

Ziggy: I really hope you’re not dead. And I sincerely wish I could drink wine right now.