Page 18 of The Prince and the Double Shot (Runaway Prince Hotel #2)

ZANE

T he lies I tell myself are beginning to outweigh the lies I’ve told others.

How is it possible that I’ve actually developed feelings for Phil, who I know is probably not ready to feel the same way?

But I do have. In just a matter of a few weeks of knowing him, I…

I feel – too deeply. I’ve not allowed myself to live deeper than the surface since I ran away in the middle of the night. And now, my skin itches with feelings.

What would he say if he knew the real me?

Should I tell him, or is it too late to finally be honest?

Do I even remember how to live that way?

Could I for him? Would I? Too many fucking questions!

The answer didn’t magically come, and staring at myself in the mirror was not going to help.

I needed to get to work, and that was the last place I wanted to go when I was a fucking mess.

I grabbed my wallet and keys. Fuck it… I was wearing a hat today.

Perhaps I was the one who had seen everything wrong?

God, that would be so fucking depressing if my parents had been the ones doing what was right.

I had never been more than a tool for them.

They had never really shown me love beyond what was expected by the press.

Even when I did what they wanted, they always made me feel as if I had done it wrong.

Maybe it was wrong, at least wrong in that I didn’t always do things their way. Maybe?

What was that old saying? My way or the highway…

Well, it was their way or feeling trapped and exploited, so I made a choice.

But was it really the right choice? I hadn’t thought about it – not in a long time.

I just ran and tried to hide as best I could.

But being with Phil, who seemed ready to embrace his duty, well, it made me question everything.

It made me feel everything – every fucking emotion and regret I had tried to suppress for the last few years.

Was the choice I made the right one? What kind of life was I actually living?

Why was I still looking over my shoulder when I was pretty sure that they had stopped looking for me a long time ago?

Why would they look for someone that they never really cared about beyond the expectation of duty?

I had been ready to step into the role I was born to play, eventually, even if it had become something I almost despised.

I knew my place. But I had also snuck out and seen the world and how other people lived.

Where I was from, the contrast of lives had always made me uncomfortable.

My family had , a lot, and most of the other people had nothing .

Life in the mountains was hard, and it always had been.

The reason I ran away might have changed all of that.

It might have offered a better future if I hadn’t been scared – a coward.

I had been ashamed of my privileged life then, and was now humbled because I had run away when I might have been able to help.

I could have been a catalyst to change things for everyone else, but I made the selfish choice. I could see that now.

Marriage. An arranged marriage. It seemed so foolish to me now.

Now… It seemed foolish because I met Phil.

He had changed something inside me that I couldn’t pinpoint with any accuracy, but it had made me reflect.

He made me want to be a better person, and to be with him… I couldn’t be myself, could I?

Maybe I was the fool. Maybe there was no maybe … I was a fool.

There was also no way I could ever make it right.

I couldn’t go crawling home to them, I knew that.

I wasn’t even sure that they would accept me back.

They were full of their own superiority.

I’m sure that they would never embrace me with love and could only feel shame towards me.

It wouldn’t surprise me. That shameful feeling was the one I felt most in my youth.

But the others… It was really them that scared me.

They had never hated me, but now… I’m sure they hated me as much as I hated myself. They should.

I was so busy reflecting on my own self-loathing that I walked to my car without even checking to see if anyone might be lurking on the street.

I glanced around and shrugged. No one. Why would they look for someone who had betrayed them?

I was always their broken child. They probably thought they were better off without me.

Maybe they were. But old habits died hard.

I no longer peered out the window every ten minutes to check if they had found me.

I didn’t always wear a hat or dye my hair.

Once, I even grew a beard to help me stay hidden. Stupid shit…

Sheena had caught me off guard and had made me think about the life I led.

She was right about everything. I had lurked in the shadows for long enough.

I was a grown man, and even though I was questioning every choice I had ever made, it didn’t mean that I had to diminish myself to exist. I may not be proud of every choice I made in my life, but I understand myself better now than I ever have.

Even if they did find me, they had no power over me any longer.

Choices. My choices were my own. The bad and the good ones belonged to nobody else.

I would have to live with that, and I needed to let myself move forward.

I couldn’t be a barista forever, could I?

God, I hoped not. One day, not in the too distant future, my looks would fade, and what would I be left with?

What character could I fall back on if I couldn’t look myself in the eye and be proud enough to stand in my own truth?

How could Phil ever love me back?

His body called to me. I mean… It was more than that. His very being pulled me in his direction as if I were born to be beside him. Something in us called to each other. If he ever wanted me, I needed to make sure that I could stand proudly with him.

He had to marry a royal. I honestly was a fucking idiot.

I drove to work and tried to silence my judgment. It was going to be a very fucking long day.