Page 40 of The Power of Refusal

O f all the ridiculous proposals Elizabeth Bennet had endured, this one had perhaps the most absurd circumstances and was, at once, the most longed for.

Here she sat, in her shabby and well-worn gown, a decade out of fashion and stained with who knew what from her time caring for Mary. She had not touched her hair since the morning before. Surely the frantic activity of the day had long ago defeated whatever attempt she had made at styling it at daybreak. Limp curls around her face had escaped her pins. A smear of dark ointment had marred her sleeve, and possibly her face. She did not bemoan the lack of a mirror. It might be even worse than she knew. She was grubby, damp with perspiration from the boiling water she had been mixing with cold, and from the effort of wielding the pump. She safely assumed she no longer carried the scent of the light lavender water she had splashed on early that morning, hoping to see Mr Darcy.

Her mother would have murdered her had she been present. To appear so before a gentleman! Yet Mr Darcy’s eyes shone not with disgust, but with admiration. She was still a maiden, and for once, she felt a sudden, overwhelming desire to be seen as the young woman she truly was.

Gone were the days when she hid her charms to deflect unwanted male interest. Now, with Mr Darcy’s gaze upon her, Elizabeth yearned to reveal her full beauty. Her fingers moved with deliberate grace as she removed the modest headpiece. A thrill coursed through her as she watched Mr Darcy’s expression change. His eyes widened, taking in her transformed appearance with clear appreciation. Elizabeth felt a blush rise to her cheeks, but she did not look away.

Instead, she held his gaze, revelling in this newfound boldness.

When she met Mr Darcy’s eyes, all thoughts vanished. Her heart stopped, and she looked away, then she heard the low rumble of Mr Darcy’s voice close to her ear.

“Dearest, loveliest Elizabeth…”

A smile, that threatened to burst into a laugh, spread over her face. “Loveliest?” The poor man must need spectacles in his advanced age!

But he took her hand. She glanced from their joined hands to his beloved face. Any amusement at the circumstances ceased.

Mr Darcy gazed at her for a long moment. His cheeks reddened. Then he spoke, briefly breaking eye contact. “I fear that, despite being a man of sense and education who has lived in the world, I am rendered mute when I wish to speak of matters of the heart. I am deeply conscious of my failures in my poor prior efforts. I must, however, repeat one sentiment which I do not believe you found offensive. I ardently admire and love you.”

Elizabeth smiled in recollection of those words—had he but stopped there the first time!Perhaps they would be an old married couple now. To hear that those sentiments were still within him, she could barely contain her soaring heart.

Mr Darcy seemed encouraged by her expression and emboldened. He continued in a deep, rumbling tone. “I have loved you for years, even when I thought it was hopeless. I have loved you without ceasing since before that terrible day at Hunsford Parsonage. Through these many years, you, my dearest girl, have had my heart. You have been in my every thought. Even when I thought it was you who married Mr Couper. I thought you lost to me forever. All the light went out in my life.” Mr Darcy paused, his eyes on a distant memory.

“I was as a spectre. I did my duty, with no joy, no reason to live. My sister said I was wasting my life, and I was. She ordered me to find love. But I had love—for you. I could not love another when you were my constant touchstone. I had to go on living for my sister, for Pemberley, but it was as if there was no life in me. In the past, I had before found purpose in caring for Georgiana, someone who needed me. It was not inconstancy that had me wed—it was my need for a reason to continue to live each day. Thinking you lost to me, I turned to being of service. Hattie was a friend, and she was so ill, she needed someone to care for her. But she had only a few months remaining. Then I was alone and miserable again. It was Bingley’s change of heart, his kind note of condolence, which brought me back to life. To at long last hear something of you, even knowing you belonged to another, it gave me some purpose. To see you again, yet to know you were beyond my reach, it was an exquisite torture, but one I could not forgo. And then, the wonderful, thrilling day when I saw you had written ‘Elizabeth Bennet’ in the church register. I cannot express how my heart lifted.”

Elizabeth inhaled sharply. She held her breath through this long, astounding speech. All the years when she loved none but him, he had been similarly suffering for want of her. She could hardly think of it. His words overpowered her.

“How could you love me still when I was such a fool?” Her incredulity defeated her discretion.

“I could no more stop loving you than I could stop the sunrise. You alone kept me in the world, ever dreaming I might somehow be of use to you or see you for a moment in passing. Did you ever think of me, dearest girl? Had you forgotten me?”

Elizabeth laughed, a short bark that drew a glance from Rachel, forgotten in the room’s corner. She could at last say the words, speak of the feelings that had burnt in her soul.

“I have loved you ever since I came to know you. Once I understood that all my prejudices were folly, I could never help it. That your precious feelings remain after everything…”

Mr Darcy’s grip on her hands tightened. Elizabeth could see only the warm affection in his eyes and the soft smile on his lips. So dizzy from the day, from sleeplessness, from the surging emotion, she shook herself to ensure she was not dreaming.

The call bell rang. Rachel stood, nodding to Elizabeth as she ran for the stairs. Reality intruded. Her sister laboured above them, and they were alone in a dingy kitchen in the dark of night. How had she found herself here, now?

“My dearest Elizabeth,” Mr Darcy whispered. She turned to him again and was lost in his eyes.

“I lay all my heart before you. It is yours to do with as you will. I have and will carry you forever with me. I beg you to honour me with your hand and heart. I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy, if you would have me. Please marry me. I promise you will spend your life content with this loving man to hold you and keep you safe.”

Elizabeth’s eyes filled. “I can offer you nothing. I fear I might be too old to give you a child.”

“All I want is you. You beside me as we grow old together, you giving me purpose and bringing light to my life.”

Elizabeth closed her eyes. Perhaps when she opened them, she would awaken in some little bed in the parsonage, and all this had been a dream.

Mr Darcy gently wiped her tears. She opened her eyes and saw again that tender expression of love. It was true. It was real. Despite her tears, she smiled joyfully.

“And all I want is you. I will marry you, with the greatest delight. I will be an ancient bride and laugh every day. I will be so happy.”

Then her smile was covered by his kisses. Elizabeth, again wrapped in his warm embrace, cared for nothing else.