Page 73 of The Player Next Door
“Yeah, that’s a whole lot of gross,” Devi concurred.
“He didn’tspecificallysay I—”
“He didn’t have to,” Chase said. Clare looked up in surprise, because Chase didn’t tend to get involved in these discussions much, which meant whatever he had to say must be important. “Look, I know I’m only like, tangentially part of the group here, but you’ve idolized Craig since you started working there, and he took advantage of that. He was always pushing you to do extra things, like that time he demanded you learn about every single weapon, or when he made you go tubing down the Mississippi.”
“I swear to god you guys exaggerate the kayaking thing more and more each time,” Clare grumbled.
Annie shook her head. “It was still weird. And he doesn’t give these assignments to anyone else on the team, right?”
“No, but they all have a lot more experience than I do.”
“Define a lot.”
“Derek was the next newest hire, and he’d been there three years by the time I joined.”
Annie did not look persuaded. “Did he ever have to do extra credit just to be taken seriously at his job? And that’s leaving aside theincredibly disgustingfact thatyour bossthought you neededmore sexual experienceto be able to write a goddamn character.”
“I—I don’t know,” Clare said, thinking.
She’d heard plenty of stories from the rest of her team about things they’d done, but it mostly seemed to revolve around things they’d donewithCraig—like gaming together on evenings and weekends, or laser tag outings she conveniently wasn’t invited to, or even the time Craig and several of the guys went camping up in the Boundary Waters. It was all stuff she didn’t really like doing, but the fact remained that the rest of the team were friends with him; they weren’t working for Craig’s approval the way she was. And before Clare was hired, there hadn’t been a woman on their team for at least two years.
“No, I think I’m the only one.”
“And that’s bullshit,” Annie spat. “Complete bullshit.”
“Annie’s right. I’d say it’s HR-worthy, for sure,” Devi agreed. “The bungee-jumping over a waterfall alone should have sent you there, but this is a no-brainer.”
Clare cracked a reluctant smile. “Pretty sure you guys are going to be saying he sent me skydiving next.”
Devi reached over and patted her hand. “What are friends for, if not drastic exaggeration?”
Chapter Thirty-six
Logan had never hated himself quite like this. He’d never hated himself before, period, because he wasn’t someone who spent a lot of time second-guessing himself or examining his decisions. He trusted his gut, and, when that failed, he trusted his charm to dig him out of it. Logan was an easy in, easy out sort of guy, and handling this sort of lingering regret was new for him.
He was so out of it that he hadn’t even gotten any joy out of crushing Wimberley, first with Schneider and then again on the court the other day. Wimberley and some of the guys from Confidential Wealth had challenged them to a game, and Logan had welcomed the chance to work out some aggression. He rarely played that aggressively, or that dirty, but it felt satisfying to watch Wimberley get more and more annoyed with him. Logan conceded every foul but smirked the whole time. It was a grim satisfaction to know he was beating him in more ways than one, but Logan couldn’t quite forget what he’d lost in the process.
But that was because Logan rarely involved his feelings in anything. Sure, he loved his dad and he cared about Sam, but those were simple relationships for him. Neither of them expected him to try very hard; he just had to show up. The Aidens were easy; all he had to do was be his usual shallow self around them and they’d give him high-fives. He liked Vince a little more, but Vince had his own thing with his family and didn’t seem too interested in a deeper friendship with him. Logan didn’t begrudge him that, but he also made sure he didn’t go out of his way to work on that friendship as a result. He had simply never had feelings for someone and wanted their approval at the same time.
But then he met Clare, and suddenly things mattered. She was smart and funny and kind and good, and Logan wanted to live up to her expectations. He really did. But he wasn’t quite capable of it, so he’d taken the easy way out.
He blew it all up, because that way, at least it was his choice. But that didn’t make it hurt any less, and it certainly didn’t take away the deep self-loathing he was wallowing in these days. And it unfortunately didn’t change the fact that no matter what, he still wanted her. More than wanted; he needed her.
Fine, he loved Clare. It was the first time he had consciously admitted it to himself, and of course it was too late. It would pass, he was sure, but goddamn it hurt. And in the meantime, there was no better way to punish himself than being on a double date with Brooks.
Logan frowned at his Martini like it had personally offended him. Brooks slapped him on the shoulder and leaned over to talk over the roar of the bar. “What crawled up your ass and died?”
“I’m out with you, aren’t I?”
“Yeah, you’re out, but you’re acting like you’ve got your panties in a twist.”
Logan’s frown deepened. “Wow, that managed to be misogynistic and homophobic at the same time.”
Brooks, never quite the brightest bulb, just preened. “Here they come,” he said with a nudge and a nod toward the door. “And now that you’re a free agent again, you should look a little less miserable, yeah?”
Logan started to roll his eyes again but stopped himself. Brooks had a point. And as he was the one who wheedled Logan into leaving his apartment, where Logan was spending most of his time alternately staring daggers at the closed shades on Clare’s apartment and sending wistful glances that direction, Logan owed him. Even just seeing Clare in the lobby for a few seconds had sent his heart skittering for cover and he had to pretend he didn’t see her to make it to the stairs. He didn’t want to risk the elevator, and by the time he reached his floor he was thoroughly out of breath, but at least his heart rate had a reason to be that high.
When Brooks texted and demanded Logan “stop being lame and start being fun again,” Logan had decided it was worth a shot. Given the obvious rumbling storm cloud over his head it maybe wasn’t working the way Logan had hoped, but he was a firm believer in faking it until he made it. Besides, he couldn’t hate himselfmorethan he did now anyway.